Well, it seems Satsuma is becoming drearily predictable. I ovulated on Saturday, day 19 of the cycle. I’ve ovulated between day 18 and 22 for the past seven cycles (and for quite a few cycles before that, too, interspersed with a few random very long and/or anovulatory cycles, just so I don’t relax or anything. Hmm. I take back the ‘dreary predictable’, in case she takes offence).
My next brisk and totally unwarranted jaunt through The Seventh Circle of Hell, Outer Circle (River of Blood and Fire), is therefore due on the 24th or 25th, a weekend I had plans for, damn it to buggery.
Of course, H and I have been having sex, lots and lots, yada yada yada, so the River of Blood and Fire has a 30% chance of being delayed for a few days, followed by utter psychological devastation.
No, I am not feeling in the least bit positive and hopeful.
I used to be downright euphoric for a few days after ovulating. The relief that Satsuma hadn’t packed her bags and gone to join the choir invisible. The excitement that I was. In. With. A. Chance! Wheeee! The comfort in not being entirely, totally, 100% broken after all.
After a while it faded to pleased, anxious, and reassured.
And now I’m underwhelmed, terrified, and oh, I know I’m 100% broken. I hate the idea of spending the next week in miserable uncertainty. I hate knowing that I am trudging slowly back to the trenches for another vicious kicking.
This is no fun anymore.
Nuts in May 
June 14th, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Sigh. No. It’s a real trudge into bloody battle, sure enough. The war is worth winning, for sure, but… yeah. Feel like we need a ‘Never in the field of human conflict’ type uplifter about now.
June 14th, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Aww May. I have meant to respond to your last couple of blogs (your amazing/tear jerking sonnet)(and reply to comments), but I feel absolutely gutted for you after reading this one. That is the worst part, the knowing you are putting yourself up for the heart-break! More pain. Time slows down. Then you feel you’ve lost time. It goes around and around. You are so strong. I know you don’t feel it. Dare I say – your future child will read this one day and laugh at how much they were/are wanted! Sending you big hugs, love and strength ~
June 14th, 2011 at 10:17 pm
Oh May, I just want to wrap you up in a blanket and stand guard over you and not let either of those possibilities anywhere near you. Beat them away with a pointy stick, in fact.
June 14th, 2011 at 10:56 pm
I’m so sorry there’s no sense of any kind of positive anticipation any more. On top of everything else.
June 15th, 2011 at 1:22 am
God, that 100% broken place sucks. I’ve spent a bit of time there myself, and I wish you a safe and rapid journey through.
On a practical note regarding dreary predictability…how does it work out that you always have plans during the River of Blood and Fire? If it were me, and there was predictability, I would schedule only painkillers. And laying in bed. Then again, I have no social life, so scheduling painkillers and laying in bed would be more scheduling than I am accustomed to.
June 16th, 2011 at 2:37 am
Because, once she schedules only painkillers and bed for a week, Satsuma will decide to be not regular again?
*hug* May
June 16th, 2011 at 7:14 pm
No fun doesn’t even begin to cover it. Wanting to send a whole battle group to get the universe in order for you.
June 16th, 2011 at 8:37 pm
I’m sending all the sympathy you directed my way right back atcha hon. I totally get the dreariness of it all, and the mortification and exhaustion and utter lack of fun. I wish I could make it otherwise for you. I admire your tenacity and I just keep on hoping for your miracle.xx