Lying down in front of the bulldozers

For the long Easter weekend, I basically curled up in a ball with a pile of books, and when I had read until my eyes crossed, I’d cook. Or wash up. Or watch TV. Or go for a walk in the sunshine and fresh air – whenever there was some, in between downpours. Proper April weather for Blighty.

I noticed that if I was feeling ghastly and godawful, lonely, sad, missing H (yes, I miss H horribly when he’s not about. Damn it. DAMN IT), I would usually feel a lot better if I had a shower or went for a walk.

It has been nearly three months – three months oh my hopping cane toads – since I realised my marriage was over. And it’s been bloody stupid pointless limbo all the way, with a side-helping of rage and added extra feelings of helplessness and trappedtrappedtrapped. And yet here I am, perfectly able to perk up a bit and feel better if I use nice shampoo and go watch chestnut trees in blossom and people larking about in the park. I don’t know if this is a sign of my absolute shallowness or amazing resilience. We’ll go with resilience, because my counsellor doesn’t like it when I do myself down.

I don’t know how things are going to pan out at all anymore. I had hoped that my darling mother would have some Financial Assistance handy and right there, because she’d promised us Financial Assistance before, when we were still Us. But her assets are all entangulated and there is this seemingly endless delay and before you ask, no, I’m bloody well not prepared to rent – I actually genuinely will not waste any more of my not-very-much money on RENTING SOLO when I am trying to BUY and never have to be at the twatweasel mercy of a landlord ever again – and I am very not prepared to take a room in someone else’s house oh my God. I’m nearly 40, I’m an introvert, I am private and shy and people piss me off, I abominate loud noise and I have a ridiculous slew of food allergies that makes fridge-sharing fucking annoying, and I have enough books to build a sodding house. No. Not renting, not sharing. H may be my ex, but at least he makes tea properly and can and does cook.

As to why H is in the flat and keeping the flat? Well, because it’s a) rented, not owned, and b) he pays the rent on it. That was our deal. He paid rent, because he earned over twice as much as I did, and I paid bills and put as much as possible into my savings account for IVF and/or mortgages. So, actually, he’s being nice letting me stay.

Where was I? Oh, yes, panning out. Uncertainty of. Bewilderment. Confusion.

I have made a decision. I have decided I don’t care. The whole of 2014 can be a bewildered heap of bollocky-burp if it likes. I am not going to give a fuck. I am going to go to work, and come back from work, and eat dinner, and take showers and get dressed and undressed, and read books and watch TV and listen to the radio. I am going to write poems and bits of my novel. I am going to carry on emailing my mother listings of particularly non-horrible cheap flats. I am going to talk to my bank about mortgages. I am going to admire my favourite trees, and go to the theatre occasionally, and see my friends. And if the housing situation works out quickly, hurrah, and if it doesn’t, oh well, what the hell. None of this will be improved by my fretting myself grey-headed about it (I have a silver streak coming in above my right ear, which I am blaming absolutely on H and his shenanigans). None of this will move faster for stressing. And, and this is important, none of it will move slower just because I relaxed, had a good night’s sleep, and read a book for fun.

See? This is what a walk in the sunshine with clean hair does for a girl. Insouciance leaking in puddles all over the floor.

24 responses to “Lying down in front of the bulldozers

  • starrhillgirl

    Now, I had a lot of grey to begin with, but I swear that there was a 50% increase after M left. I totally blame her.
    Resiliency is good. Enjoy those chestnuts.

  • Valery Valentina

    Yay for decisions! I like them all!
    Don’t know if I’m introvert enough for you, but you are still welcome in Amsterdam if you want to pop over. If I knew your name I’d send you a ticket. And you could score my tea making skills 😉

    (and um, who ever would suggest you are shallow? they shouldn’t have. Or HFF will come after them with some pointy farm device.)

  • Betty M

    Loving the insouciance. I’m imagining you like an upmarket better smelling herbal essences ad in st James park or some such! And apologies for prying re the flat.

  • AmyP

    Yes, absolutely, things will not move slower if you don’t stress out about them. Now, if only the rest of one will listen to that sensible part of one that actually realizes that…

  • bionicbrooklynite

    I’m getting a streak all of a sudden, too. SOUL SISTERS. Or something.

    • bionicbrooklynite

      Oh, and I have this suspicious short patch on the left side, like really, really terrible experimental bangs. (is this something an agricultural extension office might sponsor?) I didn’t notice losing that hair, but I have a good guess when it was.

  • Mina

    I am thrilled to hear clean hair in the sunshine park makes you feel a tad better. Even though it remains heartbreakingly sad that your world with H is dead, YOU are very much not dead. And I would not call it “insouciance”, I’d say it is a natural reaction to too much sadness and heart ache, and that healing bastard time dulling a bit either your pain, or your handling of this pain. I hope when the time to act comes, you will have had more such insouciant moments to help you move forward. Being trapped sucks.

  • Bee

    Oh yes the relief of not having a brain going round a hamster’s wheel, at least for a while. Letting things settle for a while is no bad thing.

  • Sara

    This sounds like resiliency to me. Why SHOULD you care? Why SHOULDN’T you do what you enjoy and what makes you feel better? That just seems plain and simple smart to me.

  • A.

    Hurray for insouciance! Sometimes the only way to cope with limbo and uncertainty is to snuggle up to it, whisper sweet nothings like, “You don’t scare me.”

  • Lilian

    Sounds like a good plan to me.

  • twangy

    Good on you. Leap on any moment of joy, May, ride it into the sunset and – [metaphor becomes increasingly ill-advised at this point. Divert metaphor! Divert!].
    I recognise the insouciance and celebrate it! Sunshine, insousiance and shampoo for all! Enjoy things! Wherever possible!

  • Nicky

    Insouciance: a relaxed and calm state : a feeling of not worrying about anything (So says Mirriam-Webster.)

    Yes, I really did need to look it up. As guilt and worry are against my religion, I heartily approve of insouciance. I ate a deliciously sticky orange marmalade roll for breakfast, and haven’t done a lick of housework all morning. Viva la insouciance! (I will become drearily responsible again in about 10 minutes. I’ve got THINGS to do.)

    Good for you! Hurrah for finding joy in small things despite the enormity of bad, sad things. Good Counselor will be pleased.

    Much love from Dairy State, across the pond.

  • a

    You are definitely resilient. And if it’s easier to continue to have H as a roommate, then why rush into anything?

    I believe my hairdresser implied that any kind of streak of gray is due to stress. I blame mine (directly in the front right center of my head) on my husband.

  • Chickenpig

    H is not being nice in letting you stay, he is doing his rightful part since he let loose the velociraptors. So stay as long as you need to, and if H starts making noises that you aren’t moving fast enough, punch him in the nose for me.

  • Jo

    No words of wisdom. Just thinking of you.

  • bettina

    3 cheers for insouciance, and on to jouissance, at last! This was a heartening post to read.

    And now back to brass tacks and all that: shouldn’t VH be compensating your move to better — if not bigger — living through home-ownership? I’m still thinking financial spousal-supportive thoughts. This doesn’t seem like a no-fault dissolution to the marriage, and the fault clearly lies with your current roommate. And as you said, he earns twice what you do. A marriage as long as yours certainly warrants some kind of ‘severance package,’ if not monthly stipend, no?

  • Dr Spouse

    Feedly are my comment again, but glad you are here, and that it is spring. Survival, that’s what we’re about.

  • Chickenpig

    Just wondering, is your blog post title a Douglas Adams reference?

  • docgrumbles

    I am a psychologist and a blogger ( I am currently conducting a survey of bloggers who post about pregnancy, fertility, adoption, pregnancy loss, and parenting. I would like to extend an invitation for you to complete the brief survey found here:
    (I am very sorry to leave this in a comment like a spammer!)
    Thank you so much!
    Dr. Grumbles

  • Blanche

    As long as you don’t forget your towel then all else can be bought, borrowed or stolen. And if you’ve used said towel to dry your clean hair before setting out upon a fantastic journey, then even better for you!

    Hugs to you dear May along with hope that closed doors, even windows for God’s sake, start to swing open for you without the need for lubrication or effort on your part.

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