Frolicking in Limbo

Hello, Gentle Readers. Went the week well? Shall I tell you about my week? Of course I shall, it’s why I started the blog – to babble into the void, whether the void liked it or not.

Item – Last weekend I went to stay with Hairy Farmer Lady, who fed me cake in epic quantities, and then ice-cream in epic quantities, and having done that, booze in epic quantities, and then let me rant in epic quantities and took me to the theatre to boot. It was beyond awesome. And I felt, well, I felt wanted. And funny and cute, but above all wanted. Worthwhile. Worth making an effort for. Wanted. Excuse me, I must just attend to a face-leak.

Item – I don’t think H ever consciously meant to make me feel worthless and unwanted. But! People of the World! If your partner continuously complains that Behaviour X makes them feel worthless and unwanted, you have to deal with the motherfucking fact that persisting in Behaviour X sends a very distinct and hard-edged message to your partner that actually, yes, they are not as important to you as Behaviour X. It doesn’t matter if X = having a meths lab in your shed or X = just being obsessed with golf to the point where you are never available to go to Sunday lunches with the In-Laws and run interference. (Caveat, obviously, sometimes, Behaviour X is no big deal and you may feel partner is being a dick about it. Then you have to ask yourself ‘do I want to live with a dick who is less important to me than X?’). But to do something dinosaurish, and to lie to your partner about it, even though your dinosaur is making you behave in a boorish way and your partner is crying about it again, HUGE WARNING WHO’S BEING THE DICK NOW KLAXON.

Item – More limbo, in that my mother is experiencing delays in her finances, which means I am experiencing delays in my mortgage-planning, which means I am still living with H, which is a colossally awkward life experience which no doubt is vastly improving to my character and morals at the expense of my fingernails and sleep-habits.

Item – Living with H does not suck, because we are both being very adult and polite and we are both trying very hard to remember that the situation is fucking awful for both of us. Well, it does suck, but it could suck so very much more. I do remember, I must remember, that H is bearing a burden of his own and it’s galling, chafing and wearying him too.

Item – H does artistic things from time to time. I went to one of these events this week. I had been looking forward to it, you see. H came over to say hello at one point, and when he’d gone back to The Art, the person next to me said ‘oh, is he your husband? You much be so very proud of him!’. ‘Yes,’ I said. Yes. And no. And, oh God, no.

Item – I got into a bit of a panic about moving out, about not being able to move out, about renting instead for a bit, about how I couldn’t really afford to rent unless I shared, about how very much I did not want to share, about money, and was I doing the right thing? Was I? Was I? I went to see my counsellor and flailed at her for a bit. There, there, she said. Baby steps. It’s OK to take baby steps. It’s OK not to know quite what to do. It’s perfectly OK for this all to take ages and ages. If I’m more comfortable sharing living-space with H until I can sort my own place out, even if that takes months, that is OK. As it would be OK if I ran squeaking into the night carrying nothing but my laptop and spare knickers. If stability is very very important to me, that is also OK. If I am phobic about moving house at the best of times, guess what? It’s OK!

Item – Also I am strong and intelligent. It’s a thing people keep saying to me, but when my counsellor says it she means just that, rather than ‘so stop crying because you’re making me uncomfortable’ Thank you, beloved NHS, for this woman and her well-trained kindness and the fact she laughs at my jokes.

Item – I went out again this weekend (see? Frolicking!) with more people who laugh at my jokes and make me feel wanted. So there’s that. Which is good. Which is very good. There is life at the end of the tussle.

Item – And now for a quick bitching – I am baffled by the small, (very small, not you) quantity of people who have attempted to ‘comfort’ me or ‘cheer me up’ by telling me anecdotes about their own lovely children/spouses/four-bedroom houses with gardens. It’s one thing to tell me about children and spouses and houses in a spirit of ‘well, this is what is going on in my life’, because I do actually give a damn or indeed several about my friends and their offspring and belongings. But to offer up a ‘look at my adorable child! My splendid spouse gave me a present! I have walk-in closets!’ anecdote to cheer me up, when I am childless, getting divorced, and soon to be homeless does not strike me as classy.

Item – Oh, yes, Cerazette! Some kind souls have asked about Cerazette and Shark Week (or, Shark Festival Fortnight, as it insisted on becoming). I am still on said pill, I plan to stay on it until I am very elderly and menopausal. I do have a slight ‘issue’ (ho ho ho. Hee hee hee) with spotting, as it comes and goes unpredictably and hangs about for weeks, but it’s light and unobtrusive, by and large. And no periods. No burning pains in the uterus and bladder and cramps in the bowel that go on for most of the month. I’ll take the spotting, ta.

43 responses to “Frolicking in Limbo

  • korechronicles

    Like the caterpillar who must actually dissolve to liquid in order to cross the threshold to a new life, you are having to watch everything you were once certain about to slide away from you. In the midst of upheaval, there are no rules…and that’s most definitely OK.

  • Amy P

    There are far-away people who want very much to be frolicking with you too *hugs*

  • g

    May, if you ever come to the antipodes I will buy an ice cream factory



  • twangy

    Excellent idea, that of going to stay with the HFL. What a tonic! Of course, May dear, you’re wanted, indeed the whole world is studded with people would be delighted to see you. This is a given.

    Your counsellor sounds good. I nod approvingly at her from afar.
    (Unbelievably I saw an actual card at the weekend (M&S, I think, was the culprit) that actually proclaimed on the front: YOU’RE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW. I mean, what can possibly be the motivation of such a statement? It’s redundant, at the very best. I was seriously expecting SO STOP WHINGEING, IT’S MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD to be written inside but no, that’s just the subtext, evidently.)


    • May

      I adore my counsellor. I should clone her and share her about.

      Oh good Lord, M&S, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Stick to knickers and Chicken Kiev, they should.



  • Mina

    Indeed, tiny steps could help loads in face of this catastrophe, even though the first instinct is to JUST. RUN. THE. FUCK. AWAY. When one runs away, arms flay, feet kick, vision is obstructed, etc. all which, separately and combined, cause other various-sized catastrophes. So, just turning one’s back casually, licking some ice cream, pretending to be cool as cucumber, might be a better strategy than just screaming at the top of the lungs, while flailing and kicking, even though this method has also its merits (releasing pent up energy, if nothing else).
    You are wanted, May. And cherished. And loved. By many people, in different ways. Keep on frolicking. Hoping you get to do it in the sunshine. Frolicking in the sunshine is the best.

    • May

      Exactly. I feel if I charge madly away, flailing, I will run straight into a tree and break my glasses.

      Though the occasional screaming fit is indeed meritorious.

      It was sunny today, if chilly. I had lunch in the park. It was a teeny-tiny mini-frolic-in-sunshine.

  • Melissa Long

    Totally agree with Amy P! I’m glad you’re spending time with people who make you feel wanted. More of that, you deserve so much of that! Frolicking and baby steps for Darling May!

  • Kathryn

    I am very sorry that this is happening to you. You seem like a fun, bright and lovely person. It has to get better – it will. I am rooting for you from the other side of the ocean. Truly.

  • wombattwo

    May I am so glad that you’ve found what seems to be a very sensible, well-trained counsellor who GETS you. Not so easy to find, sometimes, but I am glad you have.

    Shark Festival Fortnight, eh? Sounds like a delightful holiday. Not surprised that you’re staying on the cerazette for now.

    I would agree with your counsellor, I think you are strong and intelligent, but for me strength can not only mean functioning in times of crisis, but also being honest about how you feel. There is strength in admitting this all sucks (understatement of the millenium there…) and there is incredible strength in gentleness.

    Am glad also that you had a good weekend with Hairy Farmer Wifey. Very jealous of the cake and booze!

    Much love.

    • May

      The counsellor is so extraordinarily… timely… as well as sensible and kind and humorous and on my wavelength. I feel like she might be the Last Fairy from Sleeping Beauty.

      ‘Strength in Gentleness’ sounds awesome. I like that.

  • Emily Erin

    Glad that HFF was able to do what many of your readers wish we could; wrap you up warmly, give you good food to eat and listen to let you know that you’re heard, and of course that you are valued and important.

    So glad that the NHS has done something right with the counselor. She sounds lovely.

    I hope that you are able to sort out the housing dilemma in short order and in a way that doesn’t cause hives.

    • May

      HFF is clearly the Gentle Readers’ Gentle Stand-In, bless her and all of you.

      Alas, my stupid immune system has gone into hysterics and I am well and truly hived. Well, eczema’ed. Ick. Also ow and itch itch itch. So BRING IT ON, housing. BRING. IT. ON.

  • Barbara

    I… I’m sorry, May, but I’m afraid I can’t understand what you are trying to convey in item 2. I know you want to keep your extinct archosaurs private etc and I respect that. However, this leads to, well, obscure prose.

    There, I said it.

    • May

      Yeah. Not my best-written paragraph ever, is it? Eh. I’ll often cycle back to the subject, no doubt, and maybe it’ll make sense eventually. Still makes no sense to me, either.

    • Amy P

      Huh. I got it, I think–it boils down to, if you know something bothers someone immensely because they’ve told you so, and they’ve told you just how unloved said behavior makes you feel, DON’T DO IT. If said behavior is something that is not immoral/illegal/unethical/just-plain-not-nice, and it’s more important than the person, you should re-evaluate your priorities.

      Not nearly as pithy, though.

      I could be completely wrong, too.

  • chickenpig

    You may be one of the strongest and bravest ppl on the internet. I think you have earned the right to take things at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. God knows, infertility and loss forces us to deal with things at the pace our doctors and bodies dictate, you shouldn’t have to do it now.

    I hope that there is a ton of frolicking in your future. I wish I could be one of he lucky ones that gets to frolic with you.

    • May

      I honestly feel humbled by this sort of kind and encouraging and most flattering comment. You are all too good. And I am very grateful for you all.

  • sheila

    HFF is an all round legend!

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    *nods intently*
    VERY much wanted. We will simply have to work on our capacities for ice cream and booze. ..

  • Dr Spouse

    Notes from me: 1) I’m very jealous. You have to come and visit me next and 2) Have you thought about an implant? I thought Cerazette was great but oh, my stars, the implant!

    (Though having said that, I am about to have it taken out and have an implant-free spell to see if it was giving me more migraines than without – I think the migraine rate is about the same but just want to make sure).

    • May

      I have a bucket-list tour of the island thing in planning.

      Not really getting migraines on cerazette (well, I’ve had two sort-of migraines). I like not really having migraines. I have decided oestrogen is THE DEVIL.

  • minichessemouse

    Sends Gin and Cake. You are in my thoughts my dear and i wish there were some way I could help.

  • a

    You should come to the Midwest (USA) – we have frozen custard, which I like better than ice cream. Or we should all take a field trip to Italy for gelato.

    I’m glad to hear that you have found a good counselor. As I understand it, they are as rare as unicorns.

    • May

      Until my ice-cream churn broke, I was the Diva of Frozen Custard. Ohhh, that stuff is good.

      If we all went to Italy, we’d have to go to Siena, to the Gelateria on the Piazza del Campo. It’s worth the entire plane fare.

      I simply must clone my counsellor. Do you think she’ll let me cotton-bud her inner cheek?

      • a

        No need for the cheek swab – just steal her coffee cup!

        Siena sounds like an excellent plan – I haven’t been there yet.

  • valery valentina

    So glad to read about frolicking. So Happy that HFF managed the cakes to spoil you. (and yes, I love your gentle readers as well!)

    Tulip time coming up here, maybe you want to come over and have a look? You wouldn´t have to step out of the plane for that. But will come and pick you up if you do.

    Word of warning on baby steps: have someone hold your hand. or better: TWO hands. stepping babies tend to fall often.Hit their head. And cry. (or is that what people really mean when they say baby steps? I never thought of that before)

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