House Rules

Some people will never learn anything, for this reason, because they understand everything too soon. — Alexander Pope.

I think I ought to remind my Gentle Readers that, as I said here:

I can see you, Gentle Readers, practically bouncing on your seats in your eagerness to type ‘but what the hell happened? What did you do? What did H do? WHAT? WHAT?’ And I am going to cheerfully piss you all off by not telling. H, as furious as I am with him, as shattered as my heart is, nevertheless deserves both his privacy and the right to tell his story his way, should he ever want to tell his story.

Therefore, I would be grateful if you would all stop speculating and asking me. Please. Thank you. Your speculations would either be wildly innaccurate and therefore either silly and/or hurtful, or uncomfortably close to the knuckle, and therefore really hurtful and difficult to deal with, as I promised H his privacy on this, and I am not the sort of person who breaks promises, and it would be unworthy of you, Gentle Readers, to force me into a position where I might have to.

I am also not entirely pleased that I have to write this next bit:

When I refer to ‘dinosaurs’, as a metaphor for deal-breaking shit, I am referring to things that are immoral, wrong, cruel, bad, and possibly illegal. I am referring to things like addiction, abuse, larceny, lies, grand theft auto, and voting for UKIP. I most certainly am fucking not referring to such matters as H being gay, or bi. Being gay or bi is not, I repeat not, a dinosaur.

Say H were bi – why is bi a problem? I’m fucking bi, for fuck’s sake, and I’ve been a good and faithful partner then wife for SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS (and H has known I was bi since we were both 19). ‘Bi’ does not equal ‘two-timer’ or ‘sexually incontinent’, and to suggest it does is seriously not on. At all. Do not any of you ever make me have to repeat this.

Say H were gay – well, yes, it would be a tragedy for me that he could no longer keep doing heteronormativity and had to leave me. It would be fucking awful for me, because I love him. But it would not, in any way, shape or form, be a dinosaur. It is not immoral, wrong, cruel or illegal to be gay. It would suck that he felt he had to hide it even from me. It would suck that he felt pressured into living a lie. I would be very very angry with him. But it would not be a dinosaur.

Fortunately, H’s family and friends are not ridiculous bigots, quite a few of them are happily and openly gay, and if he had ever realised he was gay and decided to come out, he’d’ve been loved and accepted. So the whole ‘he’s secretly gay/bi’ is just not a thing. He isn’t, and if he were, he’d’ve been fine, and we would never be in a ‘sudden dealbreaker reveal’ situation.

I repeat, H asked me to respect his privacy and his right to his own story. I am respecting his request. I owe him, and myself, that kind of respect and self-respect. That promise is, I’m afraid, more important to me than gratifying the casual reader’s casual curiosity.

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80 responses to “House Rules

  • J o s e y

    i love this. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling pressured to share that which you have made clear will not be shared, but I LOVE this statement so much – “Being gay or bi is not, I repeat not, a dinosaur.” AMEN.

  • KeAnne

    I’m sorry that you had to clarify the House Rules. Thinking of you.

  • Betty M

    I am just happy you came back to tell us anything as I missed you. What you tell is up to you and I hope that I have respected that. Speculation and/or amateur psychoanalysis never got anyone anywhere good.

    • May

      What was that irritating but true quote? ‘Assume makes an ass out of u and me’? Very very irritating, but alas true.

      And I missed you guys too. Very much.

  • Wordgirl

    I think I first found you through Edens blog. I’ve been silent the blogosphere for a long time. I couldn’t help but remark when I read about the dinosaurs though because I knew exactly what you meant. Not that this is at all similar but my father was a victim of a violent crime. I have spent my life fielding questions from people intend on knowing more than what I was willing at the time to reveal.

    Other than that. I could have written this response. This should be your sacred place, a place you can come to and feel comforted–not a place you feel beholden to or pressured by.

    Pam

    • May

      There are many times and occasions when a person who has gone through really horrible dreadful cruel shit wants to be able to say ABC about it, crucially WITHOUT being pecked to death about the XYZ part of it. Because it HURTS, people, and the person in pain gets to decide how they deal. Many hugs to you.

  • Mina

    Some people do need to have the rules stated out loud and clear. But you know it is the newbies who think they could twist the truth out of you. The “elderly” just try not to pour tea on your head when patting your shoulders.

    Because the fact of the matter is that, in the end, it does not matter WHAT caused the break up. Different dinosaurs break different people. For example, Triceratops of Infidelity may cause damage in one house, without distroying it, while it can smash a palace in smithereens by breathing on it. It does not matter anymore how or why it happened, it matters that in your case, this bloody Velociraptor snapped your marriage in two. And there is no gluing back together. And you each have to take your end of the marriage, put it in your luggage and carry it always wherever you go. Which will be very hard.

    One hears often “let me know what I can do” when in trouble, which seldom comes to anything more than words in the wind, but seriously, May, do let us know what we can do.

    • May

      The ‘tea on head’ thing made me laugh and laugh. And you’re right. The long-term Gentle Reader-Commentators have been scrupulously respectful of my wishes. For which I thank them all.

      And I thank you/them for reading, and caring (about me, not the juicy gossip).

  • a

    I am curious as can be, but I understood the house rules. Plus, as a longtime reader, I do feel a certain (miniscule) amount of sympathy for H – even though it is through his own actions, his life is pretty well blasted apart too. So…

    Well, that is some interesting personal information that you have now shared. Umm…why would you ever think you’d have to be lonely? If you’re bi, you have twice as many options as most people. (Eventually. When you recover your equilibrium and grief has receded.) 😀

    • a

      Just looked up UKIP – that does sound rather unpleasant. Sort of Tea-Party-ish. Could be a deal-breaker, but I do think with some education (and perhaps a well-placed blow to the head to counter whatever damage the original one did), a person might be redeemable.

    • May

      As God is my witness, I am never dating again…

      (I would be perfectly happy to eat my words on this. But at the moment, I am never dating again).

      • a

        Ha – I would be quite concerned if you were thinking about dating just now! In fact, I think I’d have to suggest a short rest in the nearest loony bin.

  • chon

    Thanks for the etiquette reminder. I must confess my first immediate thought was that H might be gay but then I thought I couldn’t imagine you wanting to leave so immediately and forever if that was the case. I must also confess to wondering what happened to what I thought was such a solid relationship. I don’t mean to pry and I don’t need to know at all. I completely respect your privacy. However in all of that we will continue to remain here supporting you however we can to make you somehow smile at that end of it all.

    • May

      I do know, I am VERY aware, that everyone is very very curious, and I do feel a bit squirmy that I don’t feel able to answer. But I gave my word. I may be able to talk about it more openly one day.

      As for solidity of relationships, alas, they can look PERFECT as long as one person is lying their fool head off and the other cheerfully and innocently believes in them.

  • Silver

    Lurker delurking to say that I am very sad that you are going through all of this but glad that you are still blogging (healthy response IMHO). Having once harboured a dinosaur-owner myself, in the past – unknowingly, unwittingly – I understand the many reasons one might have for NOT sharing its nature. Courage, mon brave!

  • korechronicles

    I’m so sorry that this post was in any way necessary. Personal integrity seems in very short supply.

  • korechronicles

    …these days. Premature posting finger to blame.

    • May

      And here I am, trying to corner the market in integrity by Pissing Off The Internets. The High Road is a lonely one, with rain coming in sideaways *maudlin self-pity moment*

      I hug you.

  • boringyear

    I am super curious, of course, but I also have the utmost respect for your integrity in this matter. If it was me, I would have a hard time keeping it to myself. I’m ashamed that anyone would try to pester you into such an awkward position.

    Besides, your dinosaur metaphors make for absolutely brilliant reading.

    You’re incredible May, and you will continue to be so.

  • Me

    Being Gay or Bi isn’t a crime or cruel or illegal no, but if my partner came out as being gay after years of trying to have a baby and knew I was 39 years old and my reproductive system wasn’t entirely fantastic to begin with, then that would be a dinosaur to me. A major deal breaker. There isn’t anything wrong with being bi or gay, I am bi myself also and I have a happy relationship with my partner and have been faithful to him for years without any dramas. I can understand how it sounds here, but many of us have been following for years, may not comment all the time, but read faithfully and hoped and hoped for a good outcome. 4-5 years of reading all about someone and getting such an intimate look into their lives and feeling like they “know” you, makes it really hard to know what to say when we don’t know what has happened. It is human nature to feel protective towards the people we care about, even ones we haven’t met or even spoken to in real life. Thinking of all the awful things that could have happened to make it all go to shit, and not knowing how to express the words to show how we feel when worried that it could be the wrong thing to say because we could be so close to the truth is also an awful limbo to be in. I’m speaking for myself here obviously, not everyone. I just don’t know what to say and I wish I could say something to help, but can’t.

    • Hairy Farmer Family

      I agree with some of what you say, but I am genuinely puzzled by your sense of responsibility as a commenter and… can I say it? I sincerely don’t want to be inflammatory – slight hint of entitlement. Blogging is not a transaction. I have never felt obliged or pressured to make a comment on anyone’s blog: that is the beauty of the medium. You join the conversation only when you have something to say, surely? It is not incumbent on you to say anything beyond your personal commenting comfort zone. I have made many a seemingly bland comment over the years …. ‘I’m so sorry… that must be so upsetting… bastards!… God, I agree!… what rotten luck…’ because I haven’t felt personally qualified to give more targeted support, advice or sympathy. To say that, because you feel intimacy with the writer (who _wouldn’t_ wish May well?) you are now in an uncomfortable position comment-wise (‘awful limbo’) veers a wee bit too close (to my mind) to blaming the writer for… writing. And I would refer you to the comfort-in, dump out circle. I appreciate you wrote in response to a Ground Rules post re commenting, but I cannot, At All, get my head around why you should feel so pressured, having been given only partial information, to tiptoe correctly through the commenting tulips when saying nothing, or saying something very non-specific, is so… easy?
      God knows, I wish I could say something spectacularly clever to help May, too. I’m still thinking, trust me.

      • May

        *fist-bump*. What? I like fist-bumps.

      • Me

        Number 1, I have zero sense of entitlement. As I stated in my reply to May, I wanted to show that I had been thinking of her and that I wanted the best for her. I was also worried about causing unintentional hurt by inadvertently saying something that could cause pain by being a bit too close to home. Number 2, I am beginning to think that my honest attempt to be respectful was a total waste of time as it has been totally misconstrued and I am apparently demanding information and feeling entitled to it. I will just keep my good intentions to myself from here on and go and dig myself a hole and bury myself in it for being such a nosy, bossy, demanding, self entitled blog reader.

        • Anonymous

          Meg, my opinion on your comment was given in very measured terms, and I’m not sure why you’ve taken names to yourself that I didn’t give you. I repeat: I appreciate that you were responding to a post on comment guidelines, and expressing your personal response to them; to the best of my belief I’ve not misconstrued your meaning. I am keen not to sound unutterably holier-than-thou, but I do cordially invite you to re-consider if your phraseology might not have been a bit more carefully chosen. Your original comment – _I_ think – conveys reasons Why May Not Sharing Is Not Ideal For Meg. I have no quarrel with your emotional mileage varying – although, as I said, I don’t understand it – but even within the posting context, I don’t feel comparing the angst of making a comment to May’s Angst is overly insightful, at this moment,
          in this situation. I am not throwing brickbats at your concern for May: I am questioning the specific expression you made of it. What I AM saying is that, in this particular post, phrasing your concern and support in terms of telling May your feelings about how _her_ invidious position negatively affects _you_ is likely… well, likely to arise in me shoving my oar in and saying that it’s not very helpful. I accept your feathers are now thoroughly ruffled into disarray by my opinion, which is a pity, as I specifically expressed my wish for a calm debate, but I will have to do my very best Gallic Shrug, I’m afraid.

    • May

      Yeah, well, H being gay wouldn’t stop us having a child together, now, would it, given that we have exhausted all the possibilities of in-house private bouncing and outsourced it all to IVF and FETs? I mean, H also wanted to be a parent if at all possible. And I have seen enough ‘Dad and Daddy live here and Mummy lives there’ arrangements thriving to have been prepared to go for it if that is what it took.

      If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything, my lamb. I get up to 700 ‘visits’ a day when my life is being dramatic, and they-all don’t say anything either, and I don’t mind in the slightest. Also, I am the world’s shittest commentator myself. Also also, ask yourself, this comment I want to make, is it kind? Is it true? Is it helpful? If not, then why comment at all? Enjoy whatever aspect of the ongoing drama you like, or, if you’re not enjoying it any more, get on with your one and only awesome life.

      Keep in mind, I don’t know you or your blog at all (you haven’t linked to one) and it’s hardly equitable that you know SO VERY MUCH about my life, and I know buggerall about yours, and yet here you are (very politely) demanding more of me and mine, having given so little of your own in exchange. This is not actually the same as a friendship, friendly as you may feel towards me, and I don’t owe you any details at all.

      • Me

        I don’t actually recall saying that I wanted to KNOW what had happened. I DID give my own personal opinion on what I considered a dinosaur, and being misled and lied to about ones sexuality is what I would consider one to ME. Also, I am not enjoying your drama, and as I said in my comment, I don’t know what to say because I would hate to intentionally cause hurt if it was close to the mark. Apparently having compassion for someone who you have been hoping would get a break is being nosy, and wanting to say how much they hope you end up with a happy ending is demanding to know personal details. Well, forgive me for caring, forgive me for hoping that all ends well, and forgive me for making the effort, (apparently very rudely and demanding), for saying so.

        • May

          ‘Me’, this is a quote from your first comment : ‘Thinking of all the awful things that could have happened to make it all go to shit, and not knowing how to express the words to show how we feel when worried that it could be the wrong thing to say because we could be so close to the truth is also an awful limbo to be in.’

          This is emotional blackmail. I don’t need to be told that I am putting people in ‘awful limbo’ by not revealing certain private and painful information even though I promised not to. That really does not square with ‘compassion’ or ‘zero sense of entitlement’ and while you didn’t say the exact words ‘I want to know what happened’, putting emotional pressure on someone to reveal by talking about how ‘awful’ you find the lack of reveal? Seriously?

          I also do not appreciate your persistence in trying to argue with me about my deal-breakers. Mine are different from yours. This blog is not about you. If, as you have said repeatedly, you ‘care’ about me, why are you choosing a painful topic I have already got upset about to carry on prodding at? Why are you using my blog to transact your emotional business at my expense? If you’re not ‘enjoying the drama’, why create more?

          You say you have been reading my blog for 4-5 years as if that was some kind of badge of membership to my life. In which case, I would like several 100’000 words from you about all the emotional and physical dramas of your life for the past 4-5 years. Please don’t leave out embarrassing details, anything humiliating, or things you are ashamed of. Also, do it wittily, so I’d WANT to read it for 4-5 years. No? Why not? Why do you get it demand it of me but not give anything except the occasional ‘best wishes’ in payment?

          • Me

            I am so sorry that you would use a statement about how worried I was about saying something that could be hurtful, and turn it into emotional manipulation and apparent blackmail. I did not say that you were putting people into awful limbo, I said that it was hard to write something without worrying about hitting a nerve, and that put ME into an awful limbo. I am not the type of person who would get enjoyment out of causing more suffering to someone who is already going through shit. And my love, I have had a blog for many years and I have commented many, many times on your blog with it linked, and I have emailed privately with never an answer. Why don’t I link my blog now? It is a blog about my children and I am not that much of a bitch that I would sit there and link it. And maybe THAT will give you an answer as to why I am lost for words to describe how bad I feel for you. Which I will be fucked if I ever bother attempting again. I hope all ends well for you.

  • Elissa

    Interestingly (well for me) is I actually am not curious what type of dinosaur H has been creating, but I am sad for both of you. Because my feeling is to be so clear cut, to be so truly final it must be hideous. So, in a way, I feel pleased not to know. I am, however, hoping that you can make a glorious exit. Because at the very least you deserve that!

  • Sara

    Wow. I’m so sorry that your readers made it necessary for you to write this post. How on *earth* could either of those be dinosaurs?

  • Anonymous

    I am coming out of lurkerdom to so that I both completely understand people’s curiosity (oh, she meant that. well, that will never happen to us, so we’re fine) and am appalled by it. On a more serious not, my DH dealt with a velociraptor. It packed away easily. There was often something a little odd but nothing that couldn’t be explained away. Although even the explanations started to sound a bit suspect so I did some snooping, never having any idea. It turns out that DH had been embezzling money from work for well over five years and well upwards of $100k. I found out three months after we married. There were more lies too, about school, girl friends, arrest records. You name it. I got to the point where I would look at the date on any receipt I found in my wallet and wonder if it had the date of the new me or the old me. For reasons that I can’t even begin to explain I stayed with him and I often regret the decision. I am impressed with your ability to be decisive and to know that you just can’t do it. I wish I could have done the same thing.

    • May

      I’m so sorry. The ‘being lied to’ is just so awful, especially about huge things like that. Remember, you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Always remember that.

  • Carole

    I guess it’s normal for people to be curious (I’d be a liar if I said I haven’t got a mental list of things he might have done in my head, which I am either scratching out or double-underlining according to each new post), but this is a place for you to say exactly what you want to say exactly how you want to say it. I respect that and I respect you for being such a good writer and being able to express your pain so damn eloquently! Much love to you.

    • May

      Thank you for your flattering kind words. I know people of COURSE will be curious. Be curious, by all means. Just… no pokey the owie lady in her owies.

  • twangy

    Well said. There should be no need for you to satisfy anyone’s curiosity even if you hadn’t made the promise to H. As it is, I have huge respect for the decency and grace under fire you show.

    I mean, these are people’s actual lives, after all, and what the blazes difference does it make what the exact nature of the beast is? We don’t need to know. We take your word for it. That is all.

    Fair play to you, as we say here.

    • May

      It has, I admit, made me sigh, the amount of people who claim to really care about me, but are more interested in JUICY DETAILS GIVE THEM TO US NOW than my actual mental state and the fact they’re hurting me by going on and on about it.

  • Bachelor's Button

    I’ve been so sorry to read of latest developments. Some things are not for the blogosphere. Especially the dinosaur’s of others. I hope that you come through it all in one piece. Hx

  • Lin May

    I have lurked on your blog for years but I had to acknowledge this post. First of all I back you completely in NOT telling people about the dinosaur. It is no ones business apart from you and H. I grew up in a house of huge thumping dinosaurs, so much so that authorities took me away at 15 and gave me own safe cave with other children broken by dinosaurs. Sadly they placed me back with them again and I continued to watch the destruction they caused and fought the guilt of why I couldn’t catch them and cage them away from all of us. At 21 I walked away from the dinosaurs forever. Oh May, it’s a different circumstance but I know how it hurts. It breaks my heart to know you have discovered a dinosaur too. I am not going offer assvice, it drove me mad when people did for me because I just wanted to scream “Don’t you know I am in pain here and you expect me to listen???It’s a DINOSUAR!” But know you are in my thoughts constantly and I check back here several times a day to see how you are. I know it breaks you, I know the screaming like a small child. I so wish you didn’t have to suffer this pain.

    Thank you also for your comment about what constitutes a dinosaur. I too am a bi woman and have been with my male partner for 22 years. I have never been unfaithful, why? because I love and want HIM. I am not about to jump into bed with a woman anymore than I am about to jump into bed with a man. Being gay or bi is most definitely not a dinosaur and should never be classed as one (voting for UKIP however is up there with being a T-Rex).

    Finally fertility. I never became a biological mother either although we tried so hard. It hurts. I won’t offer any useless assvise about that either other than to say I know your pain and life will go on. Because it does. Some days are Hell but you find your balance because the option not to is unthinkable.

    I have written a novel. I shall return to lurkdom now, dear May but know I feel for you so much and I will be checking here relentlessly because I care. So very much. Huge hugs to you.

    • May

      Huge hugs to you too. Thank you for your comment and your support.

      • Lin May

        I am thinking of you in the kindest terms, just wanted you to know that.

        • Lin May

          Oh and I love cats (I have always had cats) and chocolate, and crafty type stuff (That’s crafty as in making things not sneaky). Plus if you can ever make a post about how not to end up with a piece of triangular knitting where you have pulled it increasingly tighter halfway through I for one would be grateful!

          I just felt the urge to tell you a little about me because although I have commented on your blog I am faceless to you and I wanted to give you a bit of a person to know. If that makes sense? I kind of feel I owe you that after going through your journey thus far with you. Maybe I’ll just shut up (you can laugh at me, I do).

          Stay strong. You can do this. xx

  • Melissa

    Well said! You don’t owe us any details, we are just glad you are here and writing. So much love to you!

  • sheila

    I just really like the cleverness of the Velociraptor metaphor. I wonder how many extra google searches there were for that word after you first used it?!

  • Meg

    Interesting how the house rules post turned into a debate about whether or not you “owe” us an explanation.
    If you posted here and said you don’t want to know, then you are a liar. Trying to impress May with how little curiosity you have about the details doesn’t make you superior to the other readers, or a better internet friend.
    I’ve been a faithful reader (and cheerleader) for 6+ years. I sure as shit want to know, and I don’t love May any less than any of you.
    I’m going to respectfully disagree with HFF and say that writing a popular blog does involve a give and take. May doesn’t make her blog public for her health. She *could* have chosen to make her journaling private. In exchange for support, camaraderie (or whatever the case may be), the reader gets to give that support (very rewarding), and get a fairly in depth glimpse into the personal life of a lovely couple – yes it’s voyeuristic, but so is the entirety of the internet and anyone who chooses to participate on this platform.
    I’d also add that it’s *not* H’s story – it’s yours. This is your life! You may share details of your own life. Saying H would prefer you not is kind of a cop out.
    You know your readers and following. No, you don’t “owe” us anything, but I do believe there is an understanding – a kind of agreement – that takes place when you make your life public (even anonymously so). And I don’t believe that you are naive enough to think that’s not true or doesn’t apply to you.

    • May

      Do you pay me money to write here? No? Didn’t think so.

      I could go password protected, yes. Or you could just fuck off and read a blog you find more rewarding.

      • Meg

        It’s naive to think that making your life public entitles you to privacy. How many thousands of hits do you get a day??
        I’m disappointed by the lack of respect for your readers, most of whom have been lovingly following your story for so many years.
        You know we feel like we know you, right? We’re invested in you and your well being. And not just on a voyeuristic level.
        You don’t want to talk about “it”. Totally fair. For the love of god, lay some guilt on H to write a post. We’re all begging you.

        • May

          Lack of respect for my readers? Seriously? How about some of my readers’ total lack of respect for me, my privacy, the pain I’m in, and the fact I’m actually a real human being and not a fucking soap opera written for their amusement? Your desire to know, even though I have said I don’t want to tell, I promised not to tell, and being repeatedly nagged about it HURTS me, rather gives the lie to your saying you’re invested in my well-being and aren’t being voyeuristic.

          And I am done with this conversation.

    • Hairy Farmer Family

      I disagree, Meg. I don’t view a blog space as being any different to a friend’s house, and the internet is an extension of the paradigm, not a perversion of it. If I’m respectful, thoughtful, friendly, and I mind my manners when I engage with the people there, I’ll probably be welcome back again. But further to this: every home has different requirements of their guests. Shoe removal, maybe. Smile at the children. If Great-Grandma thinks you’re her brother, cheerfully agree. Don’t lift the cloth over the parrot’s cage. Sit quietly through grace even though you’re a stone-cold atheist.
      And if a guest can’t accept the validity of the rules pertaining to that home, particularly if they are visiting in Difficult Times, then their manners and conduct are likely to be subjected to negative scrutiny.

      • May

        And even if this was more comparable to a Free Art Gallery, Open To All The Public, there would still be rules, like ‘do not go into that room, it’s marked private’ and ‘do not scribble on the paintings’ and ‘kindly keep your pants on and your shirt done up’ and ‘poking the curator with a stick is NOT ON’.

  • tracey

    Your post is very Well Said.

    Everyone has the right to chose what they do and don’t want to share with whoever. It’s a basic human right, whether it be in conversation or via electronic media.

    So horrified that you have encountered a Deal Breaker in your marriage, so completely unfair. I hope life manages to be gentler and kinder to you. Lots of people thinking of you with love.

  • Persnickety

    I will admit to curiosity on the nature of the velociraptor, but I also admit that it is a very good idea to keep silent on it. One persons deal breaker is not to another’s, and I think were you to disclose the nature of the beast there would be many comments as to why couldn’t you overlook it, or try to turn it into a chicken.

    I am sad that it isn’t fixable, that this has happened and that there is nothing else that can be done ( sorry, not very eloquent).

    So, how about that shakespeare, then?

    • Persnickety

      And there’s no edit function for me- I am sad, because I want you to be happy. And previously this would have meant one thing, and now it means another. So it is a sad situation. And there is no obligation on you that I am sad – it’s my reaction to what you are writing.

      I’ll leave you to your writing ( better than mine), but there is coffee tequila in Australia if you ever need it ( gluten free)

    • May

      Thank you for your very wise point about ‘the nature of the beast’, and how one person’s EVIL DEMON could be another’s ‘mere chicken’. Yes. I do not want to be told I’m Doin’ It Rong by someone who does not share my outlook on life, very much not on this issue.

      You are both kind and wise.

      Coffee tequila sounds AWESOME.

  • Cecelia

    De-lurking from Brooklyn to send you a hug. I’m so sorry you encountered a velociraptor, I’m so sorry you are losing your best friend. My heart hurts for you– in that “universal-human” way– I’ve been in a spot like that too, years ago. May (May!) you bounce into your new life held in the arms of friends and may all your dreams come true… Really.

    And for the record I don’t care what H did– this is not an afternoon soap opera!– and actually it doesn’t matter. Pain is pain and break ups are terrible no matter what. What are all these people clamoring for information going to do with it if they ever got it? Forget it after a minute. The brain just hates to be denied.

    Xx C

    • May

      Hello, thank you, yes, exactly. I was under the impression that the important thing here, for people who say they ‘care’ rather than passing pop-corn eaters, was that I was in pain and trying to deal with it, not the exact shape of the blade that cut me. Thank you for reaffirming that. Thank you for de-lurking.

  • Arwen Rose

    May, I too am delurking to say that I wish you the very best in making your glorious exit into a new life (and secretly hoping you kicked the Velociraptor to death :))
    I am so damn sorry that your marriage is now lost and that with it you lose a best friend. I have been there.
    I have not had the IF journey you have had, though I have had my own very different kind of IF hell, but I had a first husband who acquired his own dinosaur. We had even had the conversation pre-marriage about which dinosaurs were deal breakers for us both so when he told me about his he already knew we were over. God knows the dissolution of a marriage, or any relationship is sad enough. The nature of the beast matters not. The importance lies in the destruction it has caused both you and H and the waves of grief that result.
    Abiding with you always.

  • infertilelady

    I recently started a (tbh piss-poor) blog about infertility, IVF and the like purely because there was too much crap to keep in my head any longer. I didn’t expect anyone to read or follow, a beautiful handful of people are doing both. I am extremely grateful for the comments and support they’ve given me so far, it’s been a pleasant surprise… it really is like a little hug you weren’t expecting. However, I don’t owe those people anything. If I decide to give up blogging half-way through the next 2ww, that’s my call. This a v long-winded way of fully agreeing that you (May) owe nobody here any insights, any answers, anything that you’re not fully comfortable with sharing. I too have been following you for years (only recently commenting not anonymously), and I really do wish you all the best. I hope you have much tea and cake in your life right now xx.

  • Dr Spouse

    Sad that this discussion had to be entered into, but promising to only pass you tea and knitting needles (the latter to be used as you see fit). Oh, and gin. Don’t spill the gin.

  • Jenny

    You know, when I very first read this post, I thought, “Why is she scolding us? We haven’t even speculated! Why would we want to know what H did? It’s all just about the horrible pain of this situation, whatever he’s gone and done, surely.”

    But reading some of these comments, I see why it was necessary. You know this is all the fault of the damned to hell velociraptor, too, of course. It creates the rubbernecking and the self-satisfied at-least-it’s-not-me, as well as the lovely majority of your commenters, whom I wish I knew in person.

    As I wish I knew you, though I am a bit clumsy and would surely spill tea on your knitting, unforgivably. But am so distressed for you. Please don’t forget to take physical care of yourself.

    • Jenny

      By the way, you’ve surely found it, but Irretrievably Broken is an excellent divorce blog. She’s several years out, so you can start back in her archives, but the writing is terrific.

  • illanare

    A (my ex) was also a velociraptor owner/hider. When I found out about it we tried to make it vanish but couldn’t and our relationship creaked to a halt. But our velociraptor would probably be someone else’s soft fluffy chick and no-one else’s business.
    I say the above only as a way of expressing empathy and agreeing that this topic is yours to air or not as YOU choose.
    Sending tea and gin (but not in the same container)

  • Bee

    Crikey, you are in pain and having the shittest of shit times-no need to pile on any more.

    I admit I am extremely curious, but what you write here is obviously entirely up to you.

    I think you are a most excellent writer and lovely person and I just don’t want you to be put off writing by unwanted speculation and probing.

  • F. U. Velociraptor (@fuvelociraptor)

    I don’t know to what extent you would consider this a similar issue, but I offer it up as my own experience.

    This fall, I was Really Quite Ill. Outwardly, I appeared fine – as long as you didn’t expect me to climb stairs or run or sit upright for very long at all. As I am a volunteer, rather than a paid employee, there was no reason for anyone but my husband and doctors to need the details of my situation. (That is not to say your employer is ever entitled to Details, but they would expect to know more than that you have suddenly gone away and cannot tell them when you will return or give them any idea why you disappeared.)

    It became the life’s work of some of my acquaintances to ferret out the reason for my absence. Why? Goodness knows. Dodging busy-bodies made a bad time worse than it had to be. My situation was never life-threatening – many people would have spilled the beans in the beginning for the joy of being the center of attention – but the story was mine and I chose not to share it.

    TL;DR: People are social animals and sometimes the animal completely takes over in the quest to be social. I’m sorry that happened here.

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