Back she crawls

Hey, Gentle Readers. How are you all? And look, I’m still alive!

Item – Yes, I have gone for a good old gloomy-pants new look around here. Things are suddenly and to my intense disgust very different, and this is the bloggy equivalent of cutting most of my hair off and dyeing the remains Emotional Midnight Ink.

Item – No, there have been no further shocking revelations about my health. It remains as it ever did – endometriosis, PCOS, adenomysosis, allergic to bloody everything.

Item – Actually, it’s the marriage. Which you, dear kind readers, have watched me occasionally vapour and kvetch about right here on this very blog – the communication issues, the sex (lack of) issues, the not-being-on-the-same-page-hang-on-is-this-the-same-book? issues. It turns out you can’t be even so much as in the same library when one person is hiding a rather important thing from the other. And I found out.

Item – Other things I found out these past twelve days:

  • Fainting from shock is actually a real thing that really happens (being me, I of course politely waited until I was all on my own before fainting from shock, and had to get back up again to make my own hot sweet tea. Which I am still irrationally pissed off about).
  • You can miss a person horribly even when they’re sitting the other side of the room from you, eating popcorn and glumly watching the Olympics.
  • You will actually say ‘please don’t speak to me right now or I will hit you with a chair’ and actually, sincerely mean it as a polite warning made out of concern for the other’s health and wellbeing.
  • There are such things as Deal-Breakers. That will break even 20 years of love and 17 years of cohabitation and 9 years of marriage. And will break them all with a clean, hard, irretrievable snap. And the pain will come closer to killing you than even pulmonary embolisms and RPL.
  • That property prices in Britain are fucking insane and I will be forced to mortgage my every living relative for a cupboard with a chemical toilet in the corner.
  • That it will be my cupboard. That I long for it now with the power of a thousand suns.

I can see you, Gentle Readers, practically bouncing on your seats in your eagerness to type ‘but what the hell happened? What did you do? What did H do? WHAT? WHAT?’ And I am going to cheerfully piss you all off by not telling. H, as furious as I am with him, as shattered as my heart is, nevertheless deserves both his privacy and the right to tell his story his way, should he ever want to tell his story.

The night after I Made My Discovery, I dreamt I was painting the walls of our home, but the plaster kept flaking off to reveal what looked like grey-blue dinosaur hide (I don’t have an unconscious. It’s all Captain Obvious in there). So let’s just say H was keeping a velociraptor under the bed, even though I hate velociraptors, am scared of them, and have always said things like ‘Oh, we don’t have velociraptors! We’re not velociraptor people, are we, H?’ and H would say ‘What? Oh, yes. Quite. No velociraptors. May doesn’t care for them.’

And then the velociraptor burst out and bit my leg off.

So, you traitor, you really believed you’d keep
this a secret, this great outrage? Steal away
in silence from my shores? Can nothing hold you back?
Not our love? Not the pledge once sealed with our right hands?
Not even the thought of Dido doomed to a cruel death?

Virgil’s Aeneid, Book IV, translated by Robert Fagles

– See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19807#sthash.DPtFK5vF.dpuf

You have taken the east from me; you have taken the west from me;
you have taken what is before me and what is behind me;
you have taken the moon, you have taken the sun from me;
and my fear is great that you have taken God from me!

Donal Óg, translated by Lady Gregory.

– See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19457#sthash.RJd5MWfD.dpuf

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49 responses to “Back she crawls

  • Melissa

    Oh my sweet May…I’m so desperately sorry. I’ve been thinking about you so much since your last post (I know, weird, I don’t “know” you and you might not even recognize my comments as a habitual reader, but I’ve read every post and my heart really bleeds for you). I cannot imagine what you’re going through and it’s so spectacularly unfair that you’ve had such pain in your life. I am praying/sending you positive vibes and I really really hope…well I guess I don’t know what to hope for you. It seems silly and empty to say I hope things get better for you quickly, as if this was a cold that will be a distant memory in a week. So I guess I’ll wish you strength to get through all of this. Because I know you are equal to that, not because you’re strong but because you’ve had to be and will continue to be. Much love dear….

  • Mel

    Much much much much love. That is all. Oh, and a hug. And if I were there, I would make you tea.

  • Rachel

    I am so sorry. Marriage is terribly hard, but it seems absurdly unfair that after all you’ve been through you should find something so unconsciable that you must leave.

    But as a small consolation to your fans in the internets, I am ever so glad that you’ve come back to write a bit more and hoping you continue to do so.

  • Moira

    Glad you came back.

    Velociraptors are SUPPOSED to be extinct but no, the bastards are still around biting off the legs of the unsuspecting.

    X

  • Blanche

    Hugs and lovely soothing things to you, and bad bad prickly awful things to H for 20 years of hiding the awful which caused your heart to break in its reveal.

    I have not participated in this, but it may be helpful to you if not now, then at some point when things are less raw. I do know the general tone of her parenting related materials is compassionate so I would believe that continues into other topics. http://askmoxie.org/divorce/

  • newm

    I’m sorry, seems a little inadequate, but then so does everything else. Much love, and be kind to yourself.

  • Lisette

    I’m so terribly sorry for all you are going through. My heart goes out to you xx

  • Amy

    I’m so sorry, May. As newm said above, that sounds useless and perhaps pointless to say, but…fuck. I am so sorry.

  • starrhillgirl

    Oh, sweetie. I feel you, I totally do.
    Poetry, though! That’s a thing.
    Hang tight. The only way out is through. So cheesy, so true. (E.G. Here I am, still standing, with enough love to send you a great deal of it.)

  • chon

    Oh May. I have no words. I don’t know what happened and I don’t care as long as you find a way to feel better about yourself.

  • Betty M

    Oh May. I am glad you are back but so sad at the absolute shittiness of what has happened.

  • loribeth

    Dear May, I am so very sorry for this unexpected turn of events. 😦 But I’m glad you are OK (relatively speaking…) & back writing. A cup of tea and a keyboard to pound may not be a cure-all but I’ve always found they sure do provide a temporary balm.

  • waterbelle44

    Have been thinking of you and so sorry to hear of this development.

  • sharah

    I’m so sad to hear that everything has gone to crapbasket, but I’m relieved that you are not in any new physical dire straights. I was worried for a while there. Much love your way.

  • L.

    I couldn’t stop thinking about you after reading this post and still can’t find the right words, but they boil down to I’m so, so sorry, how could he DO that, I’m so sorry, wishing you much strength and peace, take good care of yourself, what a fucking life this can be, what a betrayal, your closet will be a wonderful place, and I’m glad for poetry.

    And please do what you need to do to heal, whether that be shouting H’s misbehavior from the rooftops or never posting here again; acting awful or delightful.

  • chickenpig

    I am very glad that you came back and that you are alive. I am so sorry about the god damned velociraptor.

    Truer words have never been spoken. I felt very much alone sitting and watching the Olympics with my husband. Right now he is at work and I am watching the Olympics alone… but not as lonely.

    I am thinking of you and wondering if we are seeing the same events. (probably not…. but maybe?). You are not alone.

  • Hali Kei

    Oh May… There are no words. Or rather there are words, far too many of them, but none seem to capture just the right thing to say. I have not commented on your blog before, but have been reading and cheering you on from half way across the world for the past year. When I read your last post, I felt almost as if I had lost a friend and have been worrying for you and wishing a far happier ending for you than it seemed that you had found. I cannot presume to know what you’re going through, or say I’ve been in your shoes. I can say that I do understand the feeling of having the bottom drop out of your life unexpectedly and excruciatingly, when the feeling of loss is shattering because you can see them across the room and yet they are not the person you thought you knew at all, and you grieve as if they were lost to this world. I wish for you peace and strength and whatever it is that you need to get you from this place to the next, armed with the knowledge that out in the great internet abyss there are people who care and continue to cheer you on. And as for H… well, karma and all that it brings. May it bite him someplace deeply unpleasant!!

  • staciet

    I wish there was more I could do than offer mere words, but I’ll say them anyway. I am so very, very sorry.

  • Meg

    I’m here. That’s all. Here and holding your hand like all of the others.

  • illanare

    I’m so sorry, May. I can’t know how you feel, but I am sending warm thoughts and virtual gin across London to you.

  • t

    I’m so sorry.

    I’m going to assume that either he’s gay, he cheated on you, or you came home to find him screwing the dog. Since I don’t know, I’m going to assume “dog fucker”.

    You are far from the only woman to discover whichever it is, and I hope that you can tap into some of the support out there. In any case, it sucks. I’m really sorry.

  • carole

    Ah, bollocks. I suspected that something H related was going to be the bad thing. I’m really sorry that life has found another bloody miserable thing to do to you: it’s just monumentally unfair, to say the very least. But like everyone else, I’m so glad you came back. I missed you.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    *admires stark new lines of blog*
    *nods approvingly*

  • infertilelady

    Sending another virtual hug and cup of tea your way… and a death-stare for H. Thinking of you xx.

  • katyboo1

    I know exactly what it feels like to have your trust shattered, and what it feels like to feel lonelier than you have ever felt with the one person you thought you would never feel lonely with again. It sucks great, hairy arsenuggets, that’s what. I am glad you are back. I hope you find your shoebox for one very soon. Huge, huge hugs. xx

  • Korechronicles

    Sending love and courage to endure. It’s a hard and painful time…the dissolution of one kind of life and the journey to a new reality. I’m here to hold your hand, for as long as it takes.

  • Jo

    I don’t know what to say besides I’m sorry. And H deserves the shittiest of hells for breaking your heart.

  • Mina

    I am fairly convinced that I will not be able to understand most people not even on my death bed. That is a lot of years together for H to be able to hide something from you. No wonder poor bloke had issues, says stupid hindsight-y me, looking retrospectively moronic. But what leaves me absolutely gobsmacked is this: many of those last years have been rough on both of you, you have sailed together miscarriages, and ill-advised opinions on your reproductive plans, and family dramas and medical issues and how the fuckity fuck can one do that and STILL manage to surprise the other with a life changing a shattering thing? How can one make a lie so true for so long? H, as the song says, since the poetry part is covered by better people than I, I hate you so much right now. Maybe not so much in a year, but on behalf of all of us behind May, just know that you are highly unpopular. And karma, karma is a bitch, she may overlook people doing good things all their lives, and let stupid, bad things happen to them, but do one bad thing, and the vindictive bitch gets back at you in a jiffy. And we are all clear that what you did, H, will never be qualified as good, no matter how right and/or true that might have been (I say that for the sake of argument, because I can’t think of anything of this consequence to be either right and/or true).

  • Mim

    Just one more person out there sending warm thoughts, hugs, and the strength to get through this. “Hang in there” sounds trite but I can’t think of a better expression…

  • F. U. Velociraptor (@fuvelociraptor)

    So glad you’re back, May. I know this wasn’t the way you or anyone else hoped your new life would begin, but here you are. And here we are.

    Send that velociraptor my way; I have a message for it.

  • a

    I…don’t even know what to say. No one should keep velociraptors, especially under the beds of the unsuspecting. I’m sorry for your heartbreak.

  • Suzie

    Oh May, glad you are physically ok but so so sorry for your pain and what you’re going through, after all you’ve been through previously. I’m a very long time reader, no time commenter but I have been thinking of you every day since your last post. Take care of yourself May, sending you love and hugs.

  • sheila

    Just hugs to you both – hoping you can work through this together and come out the other side…. It is so nice to have you back, charcoal lines and all!

  • QoB

    I’m so very sorry. My god. I can only imagine, and I don’t want to; so very much palm-on-heart feelings coming your way.

    Ugh. AGH.

    “There is a good time coming, be it ever so far away.”

  • jjiraffe

    The only words I can think to say about this are of the four-lettered variety.

    So I’ll refrain, and join your many readers and admirers in wishing you well. We’re all here, virtually brewing you a pot of strong tea. Small comfort though that may be, against the velociraptors. I’m just so sorry this has happened to you.

  • g

    May, you know you have all my love and support. Anything I can do, ever, just sing out,

    xo

    g

  • Bee

    I am sorry, things will get better, you will be alright.

  • Lilian

    Sending love and tea to you and velociraptors to H. People never cease to amaze me (not in a good way). Hope you find a homely cupboard and if there is anything I can do, unlikely though this is, please let me know. Glad you’re back.

  • twangy

    Oh NO. [Expletives]. I am so sorry. I know from my own experience that marriage can crack open and reveal dark, unsuspected things and lord knows I would never say Not Us. And trust is everything. If you say velociraptor, my dear May, that is all I need to know. You have my support, of course, in any way I can offer it, practical or otherwise.

    I have been thinking of you (and trying to be respectful) and I am glad you have spoken up. Be very gentle with yourself.

  • NotSoNewtoIVF

    Sending so many hugs xx

  • Julia

    Glad you are back. This sounds very painful. Sending you a big hug. Wishing you peace in your journey ahead.

  • lokilokiloki@gmail.com

    I’m so sorry and so relieved at the same time, if that makes any sense.

  • malloy

    Limping out of appreciative-lurker mode to say thank you for returning to us, as broken as you must be (and yet still funny–H. is nutters to lose you). Looking forward to the missives–whatever form they take, in all expletives if need be–from your own little cupboard.

  • Jess

    I want to bring you home and wrap you up in warm blankets and keep you safe and warm.

  • Valery Valentina

    Still don’t know what to say other than so so sorry. (or No no no not you, not you & H) Will find out about more cake recipes instead. Hope your family is there for you.

    We have Harry Potter style cupboards under our stairs if you want to hide. Or if you want to hide H.

  • Jane

    “You can miss a person horribly even when they’re sitting the other side of the room from you.” It pained me deeply on your behalf to read this. There is no place lonelier than in your lover’s arms if the love is gone. Yours was a true love. There will never be anything wrong with the love you two shared. But the relationship, as you say, well, that is a different story, and one that only you and H can write, either separately or together. Some events/ongoing practices are indeed deal breakers. I hope the truth of this revelation will serve to fuel a life lived honestly and well for you.

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