Yesterday, I left my dear friends in a state of mild panic, as Cute Ute decided Cerazette be damned, she was Cute Ute The Despoiler, Hear Her Roar. HFF commented on our uncanny bad luck in matters reproductive, and there were reasons… whereapon H confessed that he was a bit freaked out and had been all week.

You see, while I was staying at my Dad’s, I forgot to take my pill one night. I realised as soon as I woke up, and took it straight away, and the next one just before bed as usual, and was then back on track hurrah. When H and I finally got home, we were so pleased to have survived the Parental Oblations with only a few scratches, we fell into our own lovely bed with cries of joy and reacquainted ourselves with the boinginess of the mattress.

I think it was about then Satsuma was twinging, but she twinges at changes of diet, changes of weather, and frankly changes of underpants so I ignored her.

This past week, I have handed a cup of half-drunk tea back to H, asking which tea was it supposed to be, because it tasted weirdly metallic. I have felt sick more days than not. I have had an upset in my lower bowel. I was cheerfully putting this all down to eating stupid things I shouldn’t eat at Dad’s (the wine! There was relentless unavoidable wine! In food! I may as well have eaten the wire-wool pan-scrubber, it’d’ve been gentler on the linings).

Then the bleeding and Christing fucknuts vicious back-ache started, and as you know we all collectively freaked out. Because it would be just like Satsuma and Cute Ute to gang up on me and throw all my carefully thought-out decisions about the FET to the winds in a careless rapture of cruelty, while Bitter McTwisted kicked my head in about being a careless, careless, careless little idiot and this is why we couldn’t have nice things.

In my defence, the Cerazette leaflet suggested the pill had to be more than 12 hours late to be ineffective and this one was 8 hours late. To my horror, various frantically googled websites have suggested it need only be 3 hours late to lose effectiveness. Fuckittyfuckfuck.

So I scrabbled about on the bathroom shelves (Good Lord, the collection of empty moisturiser jars I’ve built up) and found a lone lorn remaining pregnancy test. I peed on it this morning, and it came up resolutely negative. Negatively negative with extra negative, which as you know negates the double negative and sets it back to negative again.

Um. Yes. Putting this one down to ‘hormones, they fuck with you. Even on the pill’ (as suggested by Dr Spouse (see yesterday’s post’s comments)) also Cute Ute’s absolutely vile personality.

Or it could’ve been a chemical pregnancy. Oh, who the fuck cares. Either way, it’s Not A Thing and we’re back to waiting and taking folic acid until the official spotting that signals the beginning of FET, The Maddening, in approximately three to four possibly five weeks’ time. Yes? Yes. Righty ho. Nothing to see here. I’m going to get a large drink, mind.

16 responses to “Fussbiscuiting

  • Melissa

    Ah well better to freak out about something and it not come to be than freak out and it’s true? I guess?

  • a

    Phew? 3-5 weeks of drinking sounds like a good plan…

  • Mina

    Honey, you may die of many, many things, but boredom is surely not one of them. Definitely, certainly, 100% sure. So, ignore the bleeding, focus on the spotting (who EVER thought this sentence may come to be uttered?!). Bestest of luck, dear. And make it a double, whatever you’re having.

  • Dr Spouse

    I recommend damson gin – at least, that’s what I’m having.

  • starrhillgirl

    Well. That was a roller coaster. For me. Whew. Probably it was intense for you, too.
    Yes, gin. Good call, Dr. Spouse.

  • Amy P

    *briefly turns into Elsewhere Persona so she can drape over a sofa in relief properly, darn it!*

  • L.

    I am sorry that things are not being simple and easy now that you more need them to be!

    I take the US version of the same pill, and I will say that if I miss one, this has digestive and bloody consequences beyond what I would have expected, plus it has weird hormonal-ish side effects like sometimes making me sweat a lot–so I’ll hope your issues derive from that alone, and that they return to normal soon.

    I have a good GYN practice, but the prescribing doctor and the leaflet failed to inform me well about this pill when I first started.

    A later doctor (same practice tho) said you can’t be more than 2-3 hours off in taking it.

    Also, functions differently than the other pills. Its main method of preventing pregnancy is that it forms a large mucus plug at the cervix–a physical barrier. Implications: 1) If you miss the pill, you’re not safe after taking the missed one + the next one. You have to wait three days before you’re safe (for the plug to re-form). 2) If you’ve had sex 24-48 hours BEFORE you miss the pill, you could be, well, fucked, because the sperm like to hang around for a while in our nice warm interiors.

    Point 1, I could live with. Point 2 is close to a dealbreaker for me. Both would have been nice to know earlier in the game! What’s up with the mini-pill misinformation?

  • Betty M

    Just catching up – good grief Cute Ute is a menace. Gin is the only answer – large ones and often. With a slice of lemon – have a nought and it counts to teh 5 a day I reckon.

  • twangy

    *Takes hearty slug of gin* Oh me nerves. Back to waiting now.

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