Plan, wait, J? Are we at J now?

Today, H and I went back to the Riverside Clinic, to see about setting up a Frozen Embryo Transfer for Frosticle.

I felt very calm about this. And sensible. And calm. Right up until I was sitting in the waiting room. All those hopeful people, with their brave blank faces.

(Oh, God, and the woman with the toddler – obviously, there was nowhere else for toddler to be while mama got one with making his sibling. Obviously. No one is so fucking oblivious as to take a toddler to a fertility clinic unless they have to, right? Right. Still. And nevertheless. I actually read The Times therefore. I dislike The Times. I am a raging leftie and I don’t give a TUPPENNY DAMN about celebrity affairs and cellulite. But I read it, because I’d forgotten a book and I didn’t want to look at the toddler).

And then Dr George called us into his office and we discussed the FET at length, while he flicked repeatedly through all the letters from my various haematologists.

Plan, therefore:

  1. Start taking prenatal vitamins with folic acid again. Also, take 75mg of aspirin a day for entire duration of shenanigans, starting about now.
  2. Even though I am on Cerazette, I am having regular, if extremely light (spotting, basically) bleeds, about once a month or so. Satsuma is definitely refusing to be suppressed. Irrepressible ovary. I’d say bless, but there were all the times I wanted her to ovulate and she sodding well wouldn’t for months. Anyway, as soon as the next bleed starts, stop taking Cerazette, and call the clinic to arrange a scan.
  3. Start taking Synarel. (We have a bottle of Buserelin in the fridge, left over. Is this the same thing? Or not? Are the dosages different? Should I just shut up being clever and get a bottle of Synarel?).
  4. Between Days 2 and 4, get first of many many scans.
  5. Start taking Progynova tablets (this is oestrogen, yes? Yes. I’ve checked. It is). THEREFORE AND IMPORTANTLY, also start taking TWO (2. Two. TWO) needlefuls a day of Fragmin, so the extra oestrogen doesn’t promptly turn my blood to porridge.
  6. Steroids again.
  7. When Cute Ute’s lining looks good and plumptious, stop taking oestrogen and start ramming progesterone bullets up my various private orifices instead.
  8. Hang on, when do I stop taking the Synarel? *scrabbles through notes, to no purpose*.
  9. Intralipids.
  10. On day seven of the progesterone, thaw out Frosticle and pop it back in.

You will note no mention of Metformin. Dr George thinks it’s mostly for improving egg quality, really, and not necessary for a FET, and while I know the views on this in the States are vastly different, I personally am pleased, because Metformin makes me feel really disgruntled, and every single time I have taken it I have put weight ON. Yes, ON. I am pretty sure I am one of the minority of people who finds it screws their metabolism up even more, rather than sort it out.

You will also notice we are doing the same old same old protocol – intralipids and steroids and Fragmin – with the addition of aspirin. We are not doing IVIG. We all considered it, but my NK cells, while elevated, are not sky-high, and back in July 2012 while we were being Thoroughly Poked by Dr Expensive, we found that Intralipids alone massively reduced their activity (no idea why H is burbling about IVIG in that post – we didn’t have any results indicating IVIG testing had been done (everything about Dr Expensive’s testing and briefing regarding the tests was confusing and off-pissing, by the way. Everything. Which is why we quit him)).

There are no good theories as to why 6AA died. The higher dose of low molecular weight heparin mentioned above is for me, not Frosticle, and Dr George doesn’t think I could’ve clotted 6AA to death. Though the aspirin is for us both, given The Professor’s recommendation years ago that I take aspirin when pregnant. The steroids and intralipids are definitely all Frosticle’s, as are the cooter-bullets, because ew. We had those bases covered. So, 6AA may have had the right number of chromosomes, and yet still have had DNA of gibberish and codswallop. Maybe all my embryos do. H and I have both been karyotyped and we are both normal (no translocations, balanced or otherwise), but that doesn’t guarantee one or both of us doesn’t have a spontaneous fuck up in the gamete-making process that doesn’t show as a miscount in the chromosomes. And I am 38. My eggs are crappier than those of a 28-year-old and that is Mother Nature for you, the stone-hearted bitch. And it could’ve been just ‘one of those things’. We know so very, very little about conception and early embryonic development. So very, very, very little.

H and I snuck off for coffee before heading back to work, and to have a little think. I had actually started another round of spotting and light bleeding a couple of days ago, but we both decided we did not want to start the sniff-swallow-stab-poke regime today. We’d rather have the extra month. In which I shall take prenatals again and make sure I exercise regularly. And eat my greens. And have a couple more counselling sessions, and warn my boss about the scan regime, and cry and panic and flail about, because this is insane, Gentle Readers. It is nuts. Nuts. How can we possibly put us through this again? And yet, if we don’t, we both know we will regret it. And I can’t face abandoning Frosticle. The poor wee thing will probably die in my uterus, but it will certainly die in a petri dish otherwise. At least Cute Ute’s nice and warm.

P.S. – Cute Ute, the psychotic bitch, decided to make some unintelligible point or other very definite to me, by a sudden outbreak of seriously heavy bleeding with clots this evening. What? Why? I am taking Cerazette, damn it. At least I’m not in pain, she said cheerfully, practically begging Fate to smack her in the teeth for that one.

18 responses to “Plan, wait, J? Are we at J now?

  • Bionic


    Inarticulate, but nevertheless reading, loving you from afar. (And thought I’d better say so, rather than imagining I will come up with something smarter if I just wait.)

  • starrhillgirl

    Once more into the breach, my friend. As you like to say.
    By which I mean, you have all my hope headed your way.

  • Betttina

    I am putting on my rose-colored glasses to say how I excited I am for you and Frostie. You are so very brave, dear May. Best wishes to H. (And the only people in my infertile family to get pregnant without IVF were each 38, so it’s a good baby-growing age!)

  • Amy P

    What Bionic said. *hug*

  • MFA Mama

    Right, then. *commences worrying*

    Which is to say, I think it would torture you both if you didn’t at least TRY this. So I’m glad that you are. But I am still a Jewish mother. So.

  • infertilelady

    Have everything possible crossed for you both, am sending gentle warming hugs towards frosticle. (oh, and I hear you on the metformin – wtf is that stuff?!?)

  • Twangy

    OH! I wish you SO MUCH GOOD LUCK. SO SO MUCH. Stop shouting, me. I have EVERYTHING crossed.

    (Reading materials of the very engaging variety because YES. You could write reams about the waiting room (and attendant characters) alone. I would like a small individual booth with a tiny cinema screen to be provided, wherein a person could wait for the doctor, and watch something either very funny or very serious. PLEASETHANKYOUPLEASE, as Miranda would say. Is that so much to ask?)

  • Dr Spouse

    Our miscarriage specialist said that on proper, full testing 1/3 of miscarried embryos have chromosome abnormalities, 1/3 have developmental abnormalities (spina bifida, heart abnormalities and the like) and 1/3 just have no obvious reason. I know it sucks, but it kind of felt slightly better to us when no chromosomal abnormality was found. More like we weren’t being stupid for even trying? If that makes sense?

    I’ve actually linked to the study, I find, from this blog post:

  • Mina

    Oh, sweet, darling May! I can’t possibly imagine what you are going through. But I hope beyond hope and wish and do the entire squeezed-eyes-and-shivering-fists routine of begging any and all deities, real or imaginary, to grant you this one, this frosticle to turn into a baby. To take home, and love, and dote on, and be fucking done with this fucking nightmare. Luck is all you need now, every other aspect seems to be covered. Hugs and smootches.

  • thalia

    As you say, if you don’t do it there will be eternal regret.

    On the synarel/buserelin – they are doing the same thing but given the whole art vs science thing I’d go with riverside’s standard protocol. Everything is so finely balanced that even if it was the EXACT SAME DRUG your body would no doubt find a way to react differently to it. hang in there. xx

  • Valery Valentina

    11. I like eleven. I’m so glad you had sort of a plan of January. How else would one ever say ‘now is the time’.

  • sheila

    Deep breaths. One day at a time. Quietly rooting over here for all three of you.

  • Sol Solntze

    Fortunately or unfortunately the embreyo is there and I totally understand your decision. *hugs* and thinking of you both.

  • Jenny F. Scientist, PhD

    In the best of all possible worlds, this should totally work, and I devoutly hope it does. And in the real world, in any case, I’ll be voting for ‘don’t up and die, please’ (or even have distressing complications! Or just mildly annoying ones! NONE AT ALL DO YOU HEAR, UNIVERSE?) at the VERY least.

  • boringyear

    Fingers, toes, and all other crossables crossed for you and Frostsicle. Xxx

  • Lilian

    Am and will be thinking of you all. Hugs x

  • Melissa

    Positive thoughts for you and Frostsicle!!!

  • Anonymous

    More positive juju on it’s way. Not chocolate kind unfortunately, because it would be boiled and melty sitting in the postbag on any runway in the country at the moment.

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