The WTF appointment with Dr George was over three weeks ago now, since when I have been Refusing To Think About It. You’ll have to excuse me. I had a lot of ‘Holy fuck I nearly died’ to process, which created massive interference with the ‘Shit shit shit shit SHIT I miscarried 6AA’ data stream. Basically, my hard-drive needed serious de-fragging. I think I cobbled together a parallel-processor out of tinfoil and spit – it may burst into flames mid-post – so onwards! Let me see what I can dredge out of the dark backward and abysm of time.
(From semi-educated computer jokes to Shakespeare in one sentence. I rule).
We had emailed Dr George pre-visit, so as not to waste the entire appointment in a ‘previously, on House‘ montage. The first thing he said was ‘I see you’ve been in the wars!’ with a welcoming grin, which instantly dissolved into gloom and he added, solemnly, that actually what we’d been through was horrific, and he was truly sorry. He’s normally a cheerful upbeat sort of chap. I see I defeated him. I felt a complicated cross between vindicated and miserable about that. It’s nice to be taken seriously but not very reassuring to be The One That Makes Doctors Gloomy.
To address the DVT and dramatic pulmonary embolism problem, Dr George agreed that whatever my test results up until now showed (i.e. absolutely bloody nothing that could predispose one to thrombophilia) (apart from a tendency to sodding well clot anyway, so bloody there), I clearly had a severe, pregnancy-related thrombophilia problem. He wanted to wait and see what the Haematologist had to say about it before we did anything else, in case I needed more aggressive treatment than prophylactic doses of Clexane, for my own safety. And in any case, I needed time to recover and make sure there was no lasting heart or lung damage (jolly conversation, this). On the other hand, the Clexane should have been enough to protect 6AA, especially as my troubles began when I stopped taking the Clexane. Which, incidentally, will never ever never happen again – me suddenly stopping anti-coagulants after the end of a pregnancy. Hell no. Dr George was quite firm about that. The thing is, the lack of diagnosed serious causes of thrombophilia had lead everyone, everyone, to believe the clotting was only a threat to my teeny-tiny embryos, and not in the least to me. Hahahahahahah.
And then we turned to the sad demise of 6AA. Who had a perfect set of matched chromosomes, and no business failing to develop at all. Dr George declared that waiting to day 5 and having CGH performed on the survivors had been the right thing to do. To recap, back in July:
- Thirteen eggs were retrieved during, uh, retrieval. Dr George was pleased about this. It promises well for future IVF, apparently.
- Nine of those eggs fertilised on being placed in the company of H’s sperm – this is also good, given my age.
- On day three, we had six embryos that looked worth culturing to day five. So we cultured them to day five.
- On day five, we had four embryos left to biopsy, one excellent-looking, one reasonable, one a little slow, and one shabby little creature they could only get one cell from to test.
- Twenty-four hours later, we had the results. Normal 46-chromosomes-in-pairs 6AA and 6BA, one wildly abnormal one (still alive, still growing strongly) which had three trisomies and a monosomy, and the shabby little creature couldn’t yield a result and anyway had conked out overnight. So we transferred 6AA and froze 6BA.
- Consider, if we’d done a day three transfer as per standard, we’d’ve had a one in three chance of transferring a normal embryo, a one in two chance of transferring a non-implanting dud (and a possible chemical pregnancy, if it’s true embryos do slightly better inside one, as shabby little creature was hatching and looking to implant), and a one in six chance of transferring a badly damaged future miscarriage (best scenario) or stillbirth (horrific worst scenario).
- Nevertheless, 6AA died anyway.
So why did I miscarry, given the Clexane for clotting and inflammation, the Metformin for wonky blood-sugar, the Prednisolone for my psycho immune system, the Intralipids ditto, the Progesterone pessaries to keep my uterus from shedding? What had prevented a normal embryo from developing normally?
It is possible the clotting issue was the problem, and prevented 6AA from creating a decent placenta. A human embryo spends its first week or so, once it has implanted, house-building rather than developing itself, so the gestational sac and yolk sac grow first, to nourish the embryo while it works on tapping maternal resources via a tiny little proto-placenta, and then and only then gets to work on itself. If placental development had been botched by micro-clots in my uterine capillaries, 6AA would’ve stalled. And in fact, we had a lovely gestational sac and yolk sac and no bloody visible foetal pole.
It is possible my psycho immune system was not sufficiently suppressed after all (I seem to be Queen of borderline or inconclusive test-results and nevertheless violent symptoms) and there were enough NK cells roaming my uterus to attack 6AA’s placental intrusions, with results as above. There’s a further test (expensive, natch) they can do, testing my NK cells against various combinations of Prednisolone, Intralipids and IVIG, to see which mix suppresses the NK cells best, and then use that. We are thinking about that.
A very very unlikely possibility (and Dr George was adamant this was unlikely) was that I simply wasn’t absorbing the progesterone from the pessaries very well. You apparently can’t really test for this as blood levels of progesterone don’t match the uterine levels of progesterone, as the stuff in the pessaries is absorbed by the uterine area primarily. Or should be. My uterus is abnormal, however, what with the adenomyosis. ‘Next time,’ said Dr George, ‘we could use progesterone-in-oil injections instead, just to be sure. They’re a bit of a pain, though.’
And it is possible, if apparently also very unlikely (H and I have both been karyotyped and genetic issues do not seem to run in our typically-non-miscarrying families) 6AA, despite the 46 chromosomes and healthy go-getting attitude, was genetically non-viable on a more subtle level. I don’t know. Nobody knows. There was nothing to test.
We then discussed trying again. Should we ‘bank’ 6BA, our frosticle, and do another fresh cycle to gather up a couple more healthy embryos before I get all perimenopausal? Or transfer the frosticle first and bother with more IVF only if ‘necessary’? H has been rather pro the first option, not least because he always wanted two children, and therefore having a few spare healthy embryos in store and ‘only’ 38 years old, for when I am, oh, 41 say and ‘ready for seconds’, would be sensible. I had been all ‘two kids would be splendid’ up until a couple of years ago, whereupon a combination of ‘I’m too old for this shit’ and ‘I’m too ill for this shit’ and ‘I can’t go through all this that many more times’ put me squarely in ‘one. One would be perfect. One would be a fucking miracle‘ camp. With the proviso that Lord knows how I’d feel about it once I had the Precious One, because I am not stupid.
Dr George was of the opinion that given my clotting issues, we’d want to avoid the oestrogen stimulation of fresh IVF cycles if it wasn’t necessary. He would transfer 6BA first, and then rethink if that ‘doesn’t work out’. This does rather mean H too would have to become more reconciled with the idea of an only child, because if the FET did work, it’d be maybe two years before we’d be up for another IVF, and I’d be 41 and mouldier. Even though the women in my family have late late menopauses and both grandmothers had naturally conceived healthy children in their forties. And would I want to take Cute Ute the Despoiler back into cycling? With a very small child to care for? Remember I call her The Despoiler for more reasons than the recurrent miscarriages.
Anyway, if I am behind any plan, I am behind the FET plan, and see how I feel about a fresh IVF after that. But I am very skeeved about trying again.
Plan, such as it is: Wait and see what Haematologist says. Contingent on her opinion, consider further NK cell testing. Do a FET using recommended anti-coagulants, immuno-suppressants as revealed by test, and progesterone-in-oil rather than pessaries. And see what happens.
To which plans I would only say, why the fuck is everyone being so gung-ho about this? What about me? What about all those miscarriages, including one of a sodding perfect embryo? Why are you all so keen to do this to me again? The hell is wrong with you all, you heartless arseholes?
I’m going back to my bat-cave, and walling myself in.