Frozen over

Hello, Gentle Readers. How are you all? I’m a lot better. Really, much much better. My leg only aches now when I stand or walk for more than five or ten minutes. I even baked a cake today, standing to do all the whisking and mixing, without needing a sit-down in the middle (though I did need a sit-down once the stupid thing was in the oven (it – the cake – looks very untidy indeed. Mary Berry would be ashamed of me)). I am easily tired, but on the plus side, I sleep like I’ve been drugged, for eight to ten hours straight every night. As a life-long insomniac, this is a treat. Ish. When I’m not having complicated and unpleasant anxiety dreams.

As for my emotional state, I am frankly a bit weird at the moment. I am pretty calm, sanguine, cheerful even, if somewhat subdued and untalkative (what do you mean you’d noticed?). I – not consciously – won’t let myself think about miscarriages or trying again or almighty fucking huge pulmonary embolisms. I can feel my thoughts skittering across the surface, like ducks on a frozen pond. I talk about these things, as and when, in a matter-of-fact way with an upper lip stiffer than boiled leather. As evidenced above by the fucking annoying anxiety dreams, there is a whole deep quagmire of grief and fright and rage under there somewhere. No doubt I will thaw and Go Mental at some point. My GP thinks so, and is rather concerned I will try to go back to work too soon and Officially Lose My Shit. I don’t know. Do you know?

Anyway, we spent a few days with my mother, and we visited Hairy Farmers, and then there was the consultation with the Haematologist, and I need to tell you all about the WTF appointment with Dr George at Riverside. I will be back. Meanwhile, I leave you with bullet points:

  • My heart, according to the echocardiogram I had in the last post, is just fine. So yay!
  • I am now on Cerazette, with the approval of Dr George, Doc Tashless the GP, and the Haematologist. Because on blood thinners and not allowed Diclofenac, Menstruating Mays Are Very Very Very Unwelcome.
  • We are benched until Christmas at the earliest. We must make sure I won’t fucking die next time I get pregnant. To which end I gave the hospital another four vials of blood to test for… things. Like Lupus. And shit like that.
  • Holy shitwhistles, the bruising from the Fragmin. My belly looks, as I mentioned on Twitter, like a bowl of stewed prunes and not much custard.
  • My family are bloody mad (and there’s a post in that too!).

25 responses to “Frozen over

  • Amy P

    Mad in the fun way or the *headdesk* way?

  • Jo

    I have missed you. I think about you daily. Take care of you, and when you are ready, we will all be here to listen. As for Losing Your Shit — what are they waiting for? I’m pretty sure Shit Was Lost a while back. You must do an amazing job presenting yourself to the world at large. I’m so sorry you’re in this mess, and wish for all the world things were different. Giant hugs!

  • Dr Spouse

    I got on OK with Cerazette, slightly fewer migraines actually. So here’s hoping for a breather.
    And yay for cake!

  • sheila

    It really is just lovely to hear from you. Thank you. Sitting here, listening, holding your hand and wishing you wellness.

  • xj2608

    Good to hear from you. I’ve been waiting impatiently for an update! I (as mentioned previously) think avoidance has its merits. A little distance can make things easier to deal with. At any rate, carry on with the healing.

  • Quiet Dreams

    As a somewhat professional mental health person, I think you’ve got some kind of post-traumatic what-have-you going on, as would anyone who’d been through what you have. Be as kind to yourself as possible.

  • boringyear

    I’m not going to pretend I understand what you’re going through, because holy hell woman.

    But I DO understand the skittering ducks (perfect metaphor, BTW). I have those too, re Monkey’s cancer. And they’re still here, almost a year later.

    I think it’s a perfectly fabulous self-protection mechanism, and if the pond never ever melts, I think maybe that’s OK too! Do what you gotta do.

    I think you need to take a nice holiday far far away. Just sayin.


  • Betty M

    Ah yes – stoic stiff upper lip calm when awake, torment when asleep. I know that. Horrid. My sympathies. I hope the blood vampires find some answers for you soon. Ignore much of the interweb on lupus. It brings out the dodgy loon brigade.

  • Mina

    I can understand your wanting to just sit still and blink time away until something good happens. I hope the gallons of blood are carefully tested and looked into and answers are surfacing soon. Answers that bring solutions that come with live babies at the end of this bloody long wait. I hope you are on the mend. Thinking of you, as always.

  • starrhillgirl

    Re Loosing One’s Shit, I don’t know. I honestly think it’s thing you can see only in hindsight. You have all my sympathies.

  • Lilian

    Very glad your heart is fine. I was on Cerazette and had no problems with it. Your GP might be right about the losing of sh*t (this happened to a colleague who had gone through something similarly awful but not exactly the same situation as you), so maybe it’s not a good idea to go back to work too soon. Also, I know you know this, but counselling is probably a good idea for the near future. Sorry, I am in advising mode.

    Thinking of you and H. x

  • QoB

    Thank you for posting – yay for your heart, yay for having something to fend off the Uterus of Doom while you’re on a forced break. And take care of yourself. Losing One’s Shit in work is never pleasant so I would try to avoid if possible (this is assuming that you will Lose Your Shit soon-ish, and that a person can only Lose One’s Shit once, so, you know, garbage in garbage out).

    How *are* the Hairy Farmers? They never call anymore /bloghijack

    • Hairy Farmer Family

      Alive! Alive and doing ok, thank you! I really do keep meaning to blog, but It Is Difficult, School know where I blog. Work know where I blog. John knows where I blog. In another year or so, Harry wil be able to read where I blog. Every topic seems… verboten… xxx

      • QoB

        Aw, thank you for replying! Perhaps a move to password-protected would help? But that is just me being nosy, keep with whatever works for you all 🙂

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I think a cake photo would have delighted and entertained..?! I bet it was deliious, irrespective.

    I fear you are irrevocably attached to your shit and losing it is unlikely. (I’ve often felt that a bit of Lear-like madness would make a nice change to Dealing With It, but reports from the other side don’t sound encouraging either. Pity!) I think the quagmire becomes a little less bubbly, but basically stays there until Dealt With.

    Hurrah for Cerazette! and a shark week that is Much Less Toothy/Red.

  • Persnickety

    Good that the heart is still functioning. I know what you mean about skittering thoughts. Counseling and not going back to work may help. In the meantime brewing up coffee infused tequila. I don’t know how to ship it to you tho.

  • newtoivf

    glad you’re on the mend…be sure to schedule in the ‘losing your shit’ soon. Its important to get that out the way! x

  • Anonymous

    Thinking of you both x.

  • Anonymous

    I hope everyone is kind to you and H. Sending good thoughts.

    K x

  • Melissa

    ICK. Kind thoughts to you! Positive vibes, May needs positive things!!! C’MON UNIVERSE!

  • L.

    It’s just been such a scary and awful time, it makes perfect sense that you aren’t ready to dive into that ice-cold water. I think HFF is very wise in that our shit burbles along with us–but sometimes we’re not ready to shovel it up just yet either. It’s not been very long at all since all this happened. I mean, when we’re all saying “I’m very glad your heart is fine” (and I am!!!) that is some really freaky shit, yo. I imagine one might be skittering along the ice for some time. Is there a counselor as well as a GP? I don’t know about work and falling apart, but I think a counselor would know better than a GP.

    I really want to know what Dr. George said. I kind of want to shake him by the collar and say “WTF!!!” myself. But maybe that is something that needs to thaw out when it’s ready, as well.

    Sending you gentle good wishes from afar. The Twitter said something about H. having his own maladies; ugh, I hope that TPTB will not proceed on to the plague of locusts now.

    • Anonymous

      I’m with L, wanting to have a word or two with that Handsome Dr. George. He didn’t turn out to be a dumb blond after all, did he? Your Clooney-esque description of him doesn’t seem to point in that direction. (many pardons to my fair-headed friends here. I was one of you once, well, pre-puberty anyway). But yes, WTF Dr. G????

  • Twangy

    Oh gawd, was there a long-term risk to your heart? Somehow I hadn’t absorbed the significance of that at the time, but yes, makes sense. Of course there was. I am retro-relieved. Poor belly, though.

    Poor skittering ducks, too. I completely get it.

    (I am still restraining myself now from inserting unprintable curses at the universe every single time I comment, but they continue in my head. Progress, I feel.)

    Mind yourself. Cake is good. xx

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