Unpregnant notes

And then I remember, with a sudden slapped sensation, that I just had a miscarriage, and was supposed to be focusing on getting over that.

Item – While Cute Ute got a partial grip of the situation on Tuesday, and agreed that any more vicious cramping would just be downright bitchy on her behalf, she still hasn’t stopped bleeding. The bleeding is finally slowing down to heavy red spotting (touch wood. Where’s some wood? Quick, touch it!) only today. Yeah, guess how much I enjoyed sitting about in hospital waiting rooms and corridors with my leg on fire, my heart thrumming like a harp-string, one toilet to share with all these other people, and blood persistently, unstoppably, running out of me?

Item – I am still about five pounds up on my pre-IVF weight, but all the bloat and plumpitude around my midriff has completely gone. I no longer look in the slightest bit pregnant. Just a bit… Deflated.

Item – While I was pregnant, my normally very dry skin became almost normal on my body – I could even just shower with moisturising shower gel and not need lotion unheard-of notion! – and my face and neck became downright oily. I promptly broke out in quite impressive acne. It was infuriating and gross and I loved it, because pregnant, you guys! Within a couple of days of losing 6AA, my skin was drying up. I have a whole bunch of acne scars on my neck, collar-bones and alas temples, but they’re slowly going. I need lotion by the gallon after a shower. *sigh*

Item – I can’t tell if I’m this tired because I’m recovering from a pulmonary embolism, or I’m anaemic, or I haven’t slept well for months, or I’m miserable and shell-shocked, or, no wait, I’ve got this, all of the above. You think? I think.

Item – We have our post-IVF WTF appointment with Dr George on Tuesday. I think I may have cornered the market in WTF this month. Shall we be good, and warn Dr George beforehand by email? Yes, yes we really should. Or he’ll spend the whole appointment trying to rehinge his lower jaw.

Item – Talking to pregnant people right now makes me feel weepy and panicky. I know you, oh Gentle Readers, won’t hold this against me for a second, because ten miscarriages and near-death experiences you know? I get such a free pass, yes? But the rest of the big wide world is out there gestating happily oblivious to babies die and mothers die and holy fuck how are there any humans alive at all? and I am a stoic woman usually, but not right now not even a little. I don’t know how to leave the house or be on FuckBook or talk to family or anything. *flail flail*. Ach. This too shall pass. This, too, shall eventually pass.

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12 responses to “Unpregnant notes

  • Jo

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. I am very curious about what Dr. George has to say, in light of the PE and all that. Hoping for some answers, and an end to this misery sooner rather than later.

  • xj2608

    I am tired from reading your misadventures. I should think you’d be unable to even raise your head from the pillow.

    I think it will take Dr. George more than a weekend to pry his jaw off the floor.

  • Dora

    Oh, May. Wish I had the words. Ten. Shaking fist at the sky for you.

  • starrhillgirl

    Stoic is for the damn birds.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    Yeah, screw stoic. They are dead, after all.

    I can’t think of anything to say except that I am so mad and sorry and it’s all so unfair I just can’t stand it.

    Sometimes I look around on the subway or similar and am just dumbfounded that every single person aboard managed at some point to be *born*. It seems to unlikely.

    • boringyear

      Not only were they born, but they’ve managed to stay alive for years and years! Craziness.

      May, I’m so very sorry for everything you’re going through. It’s sickeningly unfair and I really wish I could make it all better. Unfortunately I will have to content myself with a giant ‘Fuck you’ to the universe that allows these things to happen.

  • sheila

    I’m back to singing the Amy Winehouse line about what kind of fuckery is this for you in my head. Will be very interested to hear what Dr George says once he has picked his jaw off the floor….. I think emailing him in advance may be good, not just for him but also for you. I imagine it will be a very emotional appt for you and having things written down means you won’t forget stuff (not sure you could ever forget what you’ve been through lately). I imagine he will at least recommend counselling, so it may be worth getting that set up whilst you’re in there on Tuesday? Big hugs May – hope youre having lots of chocolate…. And hugs to H too – hope he’s not as (understandably) stressed as he was.

    • Lilian

      Yes, good idea about emailing Dr George – for your own sake as well. I hate that all this has happened to you…again. I am raging/sorrowing on your behalf, but against what I don’t know. xx

  • wombattwo

    I might be tempted not to warn him beforehand. Perhaps somewhat cruel, but his expression may at least provide some light relief in a truly shitty situation.
    Totally get the not wanting to speak to pregnant women etc. Do avoid f*ckbook, it stinks at times like these. Yes this too shall pass, but for now you don’t need to be stoic, you have to look after yourself, and take one day at a time.
    Much love.

  • Teuchter

    “Ach. This too shall pass. This, too, shall eventually pass.”

    Yes it will. Eventually.
    In the meantime – do whatever you need to do. And know that we’re all here, wishing we could do something, anything, to make it better for you.
    Much love xx

  • Valery Valentina

    on passing: I think when the one twin was vanishing it was my mantra. At work I have two screens, one I filled with an online clock. I could stare at it, see the seconds ticking away. Even if it was the only thing I could do.
    It’s a year later now, and my life is so very different. But I’ll still be glad when the weather will be colder again, so I don’t have to tell myself that all these pregnant bellies are not for me to worry about, that I don’t know how (un)wanted or how (un)difficult they were.
    thinking of you lots.

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