Over

And it was gone. The sweet, kindly new-to-us sonographer, who had bothered to read my notes before she came and fetched us, and who said she was so sorry for our loss, looked and looked, from many many angles, some very nearly anatomically impossible, but, there lay Cute Ute, empty, with a thin lining, shut tight, deserted.

Our perfect embryo had folded its tent and stolen away.

I thought back to the enormous clot I had passed in the Riverside Clinic toilets last Thursday, that I hastily poked through and saw nothing gestational in. I thought back to the several smaller clots I passed later that day when we had got home again. I thought how surprised I’d been that none of them had been accompanied by more than a mild cramp and a slight stabbing sensation in my cervix, and how therefore I’d assumed I couldn’t possibly have passed the embryo. I have, in the past, suffered a great deal more for a far smaller… object. I thought about how I simply hadn’t felt pregnant since Thursday. I thought about how badly I wanted a coffee, and later tonight, a large alcoholic drink. I gripped H’s hand very tight.

The sonographer found a nurse to talk to us about next steps. We all agreed it was a complete miscarriage, and while I may well carry on spotting and having light bleeds for another few weeks, there should be no more severe pain or heavy bleeding. I felt, guiltily, huge relief that the ‘worst’ was over, had intact slunk past us without our really noticing. I can stop all medication. We can schedule our What The Fuck appointment with Dr George. I came away with a prescription for smaller and smaller doses of Prednisolone, so I can spend the next fortnight or so weaning myself off it.

Gentle Readers, thank you. Thank you all for being there, for reading, for commenting, for popping out of the woodwork to comment for this special and horrible occasion. You mean a lot to me.

Beloved 6AA, beloved proto-child, what the hell did we do wrong?

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53 responses to “Over

  • jane

    sorry seems desperately inadequate and I resist the temptation to make bright and breezy suggestions rather just say I will hold onto hope for the future tightly X

  • Sheila

    I’m devastated for you and H May. Be kind to yourselves…..

  • J o s e y

    You did nothing wrong, and that can be the most frustrating thing. 😦 I’m thankful for small blessings that the worst physical pain of this m/c is over. You’re in my thoughts..

  • Shannon

    Sweetheart, I am so, so very sorry for you and for H. Much love, and please look after yourselves right now, and as you mourn.x

  • Elissa

    At a loss to know what to say but this is a beautifully written post about a horrible horrible moment. I am so sorry for you and H.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    Nothing, my love. You did nothing wrong. I almost wish you had: how comforting to have something to correct.

    I am so sorry. I wish there were something to do besides hold your hand and say I am so sorry.

  • Moira

    I know that you know you did nothing wrong.

    Bless you both, and bless little 6AA.

    Hugs x

    Moira (out of synch)

  • Melissa

    This kind of thing really makes me want for some term more than “I’m sorry”. It’s just not enough. I have read countless IF blogs, but yours wrenches my heart more than any other. To have come so far and lost so much is so incredibly unfair.

    You did nothing wrong, but I know that’s little comfort now. *hugs*

  • Amy

    I am heartbroken for you, and so sorry that 6AA could not stay with you. The wretched unfairness of it all is just too, too much. I hope you are surrounded by comforting things, especially in the times where nothing seems to be capable of comfort.

  • Blanche

    My heart goes out to you and H. Enjoy your large alcoholic beverage – you well deserve it after the news of the morning.

  • minichessemouse

    ayibg that I’m sorry for your loss just doesn’t feel like enough to me. And it pains me that there is nothing more I can do than to say that I am sorry, and that I am thinking of you and that I am here shod you need me.

  • Jenny

    Impossibly sorry for the loss of your baby. Wishing you deep comfort, whenever and however it may come.

  • periodicmusings

    I’m just so sorry for you guys.

  • loribeth

    Catching up on some blog reading, & so very, very sorry to find this post. 😦 YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Be kind to yourself. (((HUGS)))

  • Peg

    So sorry. Just so very sorry.

  • Twangy

    You did everything perfectly. Ah, May. I am so sorry.

    I am glad we are here to keep you company. You are not alone.

  • Amy P

    Oh, my loves…

  • Lilian

    You did nothing wrong, which (as others have said) probably only makes it worse. So very, very sorry (that inadequate word again) for your loss. xx

  • waterbelle44

    I’m just so upset about this for you two. It’s so, so, so, so wrong. I hate it. Holding you in my heart.

  • A

    I´m sad for you. Your loss is so real, so painful, so unfair.

    And believe it or not, I´m a little bit envious. Don´t kill me. On friday I have to have surgery since my screwed up body never ever would be so smart as yours and get the baby out by it self. My third time. Twice this year. I´m one of those who just pretends it´s never happened and even if I just found out yesterday that all hope was gone; today I was back at work. I´m so sick of this. There´s 5 billion people in this world, why can’t I get one. They all managed to survive 23-43 weeks of uterine care. Why does my babies keep having to die??
    Hope I don´t offend you by writing about my self. (And if the english is bad, again not my first language.)

    • May

      I am so sorry. Take very good care of yourself. Please take gentle care of yourself.

      Believe me, the me of five years ago who had to have surgery to get the remains of my first pregnancy out and then got a hideously painful infection also envies current me, as does the me of four years ago who bled so much she had to be hospitalised, and the me of three years ago who was in such pain during that miscarriage she threw up for three days.

  • heartsick

    so so sorry may. it’s just so unfair.

  • L.

    No, you did nothing wrong. I know life isn’t fair but it is still an ugly shock to see it laid out so clearly at times like this. You worked so hard again to address every contingency and yet still here there is this mysterious cruel taking away of your joy and hope. I am glad you’re not likely to suffer more physical pain but that is a slender decency of life at best.

    I know a large drink is a very poor substitute for feeling better but all the same, mix yourself up a good one. Thinking of you and H.

  • Alexa

    I am sick and sad and angry for you. I am so, so sorry.

  • Emily Erin

    Hating that you and I and so many others know what Oct. 15th means and that so many of us have little candles to light. But I will light one for your babies and for mine. Wishing you peace- however that comes and still fuming at the stupid universe and the unfairness of it all. You did everything right; not that it’s ANY consolation at all. Hugs.

  • Mina

    Oh, the fuck no… I am thinking of both of you, and holding you both so very tight, albeit only virtually. You did nothing wrong, of course. Wanting something so bad is not ever wrong. Perhaps dr. George has more insight. If there is one, he must have it.
    May, sorry does not accurately express how I feel. I wish there were something I could do. Crying with you, my friend. So long, 6AA.

  • Dora

    I’m so very sorry. I wish I could think of something comforting to say. Keeping you and H in my thoughts.

  • a

    I’m so sorry. I wish it weren’t so. 6AA, you will be missed.

    And I know you know you did nothing wrong. Things just suck sometimes.

  • Sol Solntze

    I am so sorry for your loss. I’m glad the waiting is over. Damn the universe anyway, because it certainly isn’t anything you guys did. Hugs to you both.

  • Betty M

    I am so sorry May and H. And you did everything you could possibly do and more.

  • Womb For Improvement

    I am so so sorry. I wish I could say more. I’d been hoping so hard for you guys.

  • katyboo1

    Utterly gutted for you both. Huge, huge love and hugs. xxx

  • Amy F

    Lots of love and hugs to you both, I’m so sorry xx

  • chickenpig

    I wanted so much to see that your pregnancy was one of those miracles we all hear about where all the terrible things happen…and yet the embryo survived and is now sleeping upstairs in ladybug pj’s. This is just so incredibly unfair. I hope that at the very least this loss gives your doctors an idea why this keeps happening. You and H are in my thoughts.

  • Betttina

    I am just so very sorry. I have nothing else useful to say.

  • boringyear

    I’m so very sorry. Mother Nature can be such a bitch sometimes. I wish I had something better to say.

  • MFA Mama

    Oh, my friend, I am so sorry.

  • Rachel

    Wow. I am so, so sorry. It just doesn’t make sense.

  • Robyn

    Sorry is completely inadequate in the circumstances. And neither of you did anything wrong, it just is the complex and utterly incomprehensible ways of the universe. Get drunk, rant and rave, throw things, preferably not at each other, because that’s what I intend to do on my side of the planet. Sending love, hugs and chocolate. xx

  • blackbirdofpeace

    I add my “I’m sorry”s to the chorus, because I just really, really am. You poor things, all three of you.

  • Sara

    I am so, so sorry. How utterly awful and unfair.

  • Teuchter

    So sorry. Thinking of you both. Much love.

  • carole

    There is no wrong, just the stupid hit and miss nature of human reproduction. Bastard evolution. I’m so sorry for you both. I knew it was a very long shot, but I did have a glimmer of hope that you were going to get one of those internet miracles. I’m sure nobody deserves one more. Take care.

  • Emily

    There just isn’t enough sorry. I was hoping so hard for you. Not enough sorry anywhere, not enough words for sad. ❤

  • wombattwo

    Sorry just isn’t good enough, and yet I don’t know what else to say.
    Thinking of you, May and H and 6AA.

  • newtoivf

    I’m so sorry. such awful times

  • Persnickety

    I am so sorry. And I really really hope that there is an answer at the WTF meeting. An answer and a road map.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry for your loss. Take care of yourselves.

  • Jenny F. Scientist, PhD

    In some ways, if only you/the doctors HAD done something wrong… so it could be fixed. But no, of course you didn’t do anything wrong, you threw everything possible at this in the hope that it would work, and it’s not a kind and reasonable universe, it’s just a roll of the dice, or else none of this would be happening.

  • Jo

    Fuck. I am so sorry. I actually had hope that things might still turn out differently. The unfairness of it all is beyond comprehension. Please be kind to yourself and H. This is the hardest type of loss, IMHO. Loss after IVF has a deep, gut-wrenching quality to it. I’m so incredibly sorry.

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