Nothing

Item – So, we are sitting about waiting for the scan on Wednesday and/or Something Dreadful To Commence. It is simultaneously very dull and mildly traumatic. I do see why some people go back to work while waiting for a miscarriage to get the hell on with itself, but I grieve hugely for people who don’t feel they can take the time, even if, really, they very much need to, and wear themselves to a fine crazed veneer holding everything together by sheer force of will. This society is not vey kind to sufferers. And not very patient either. I am taking full and absolute advantage of the kindness of my own place of work by staying the hell away. Apart from my poor control of both my tears and my temper, do you think if I started bleeding heavily in the middle of the office and fell over with a burning cramp in my lady parts, this would be edifying or beneficial to anyone?

Item – H worked from home today, having told the office his wife was very unwell. Details, schmetails. He was answering his email, wasn’t he?

Item – My ‘pregnancy symptoms’ have rather abated. I have raging acne, and am extremely tired (but then, I’m not sleeping), but the nausea, such as it was, is mostly gone. And my breasts have got bored of the progesterone and are no longer acting all sensitive and uppity. It makes me sad, but it’s easier, I suppose, than feeling pregnant to no purpose.

Item – I am still taking all the stupid pregnancy-sustaining medications, because. Well, because. This probably explains why I am not bleeding or cramping or anything. And I am still avoiding coffee and booze. My only gestures to hope. I don’t think hopeful thoughts at all.

Item – I spent today in bed, as if I were a Victorian invalid, for no reason other than because I could.

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25 responses to “Nothing

  • Jo

    Thinking of you and sending giant hugs. This waiting is pure torture. I’m so sorry that H. and you are going through this.

  • Mina

    The symptoms that come and go, they are always playing a mind-fuck game they always win. I really do not like those.
    Wednesday is one day nearer. Or one day away. Whichever. Sooner than yesterday anyway.
    You are not alone. You just have a shit tone of bad luck, which you of course do not deserve, but swimming in a shit tone of bad luck does not let you see much around, we know that. Across the smelly, dirty, yucky bad luck around you, there is us. We try to help, we cheer, we dance, we “air fist” with joy and grief. If only wishes and hopes could keep you afloat, you would be all set.
    That said, hope is the last one to die out. I still hope that a miracle is alloted to you by the department of miracles of life.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    I am so glad you and H have been able to be home and even more so, together. Xoxo

  • Blanche

    Ugh. I wish I could say something witty and yet thoughtfully put, but I haven’t the skill with words so will simply say once again, fuck the universe and the seemingly never-ending torrent of awful it keeps directing your way. If anyone deserves to act like a Victorian invalid, it is you.

  • blackbirdofpeace

    I can’t say that I have experienced your exact situation, but I recently had a cancer scare and I liken your state of limbo to my own when I was waiting by the phone for my biopsy results. It is utter torture. Just nerves on top of nerves on top of morbid thoughts. I am so, so, so indescribably sorry you are going through this. And I am so glad you are able to spend your time in limbo as you prefer, in your home with your husband nearby.

  • Anonymous

    My biological baby making efforts were always thwarted as well. My heart breaks for you. What the fuck mother nature? What the fuck?

  • Cathy

    I have been waiting for the wisdom to say the right thing, it hasn’t come. I can only say how sad I am to read about the trauma you are both going through.

  • MFA Mama

    I think this is one of those situations where you (and H!) need to give yourself permission to do whatever the buggery fuck gets you through it. You want to stay in bed? DO IT. Eat nothing but dark chocolate for a day? HAVE AT IT. Retail therapy (within the limits of “not putting yourselves out on the street”)? BUY LOTS OF YARN AND BOOKS, AND SOME PERFUME AND ALSO MAYBE SOME MORE CHOCOLATE, SINCE YOU ATE IT ALL. I wish this wasn’t happening to you.

  • a

    MFA Mama’s comment reminds me that it has come to my attention recently that several of my coworkers do not know what buggery is. Can you imagine? What rock do they live under? I mean, I know we’re American and we’ve chosen different and less effective curse words, but still. It’s English, FFS – you should know all the English curse words, no matter what dialect it is. Anyway…

    You should absolutely not go to work. Crying at work is THE WORST. (Falling to the floor, however, is approved in my universe – there might be some workman’s compensation involved). I’m glad to hear that H stayed home too – both for you and because he can’t be crying at work either.

    OK, well, this is what I do while I wait with you – tell you random stories of nothingness. Did you also want to hear how my husband finally broke his $6 replacement phone that he bought on ebay to avoid signing a contract for new cell phone service, and now we finally get to upgrade to fancy phones? I didn’t even laugh once. That is the most restraint I’ve shown in years.

    Wednesday – almost here. It will be good to leave the land of inbetween…

    Oh, and back to that previous comment: I have recently discovered that the combination of eating copious amounts of chocolate and using antibacterial soap gives me hives. Given that I was eating copious amounts of chocolate daily, this is a serious blow to my diet. I have to replace it with…healthy stuff because there is no reasonable substitute for chocolate. 😦 I can live without antibacterial soap, though.

  • Persnickety

    I cannot agree more with the stay home thing. Much needed, and results in not saying unprintable things to senior staff who don’t take it well. That said, currently feeling total fraud as am home for the rest of the week as a result of no heartbeat, and feeling fine ( no cramps, no blood, no pain) physically, at least.

    Hugs, and virtual wine. Fingers still crossed

  • Bachelor's button

    I’m glad that you are avoiding work and staying in bed. Watch many indulgent movies and pamper yourself. X

  • Anonymous

    Oh May, am thinking of you x.

  • Robyn

    When there is no alcohol to be had then chocolate is the only solution. As much and as often as required. Thinking of you with love as always.

  • chickenpig

    Hope is a bitch. And waiting to stop hoping sucks. I remember leaving the clinic and having the perky nurse tell me to keep taking my meds because “miracles happen”. I said “yeah, but they never happen to ME” I hope that you get your miracle, because hoping for you is all that I can do.

  • minichessemouse

    One day more my dear one day more.

    And now I’ve got the song of the same name from Les Miserables going roundin my head.

    I think you are perfectly entitled to stay in bed all day eating chocolate, reading and knitting with the radio tuned to your favourite station. Or your favourite guilty pleasure on tv.

    You may not be able to enjoy yourself but you can at least make the waiting more be
    Sending a little ray of hope and a lot of hugs your way.u

  • starrhillgirl

    I find trashy books a good remedy for any situation; they go well with being in bed all day.

  • hopesin2013

    I returned to work too soon after my miscarriage and very much regret it. I thought I was done bleeding but wound up with my heaviest bleeding/cramping of all in the work bathroom (luckily a single stall) and then had to leave early. Not before I had to teach a class (college students). An awful experience. I think you are doing the absolute right thing by staying home and resting.

  • Twangy

    Oh, I agree, definitely, home is the only place to be. Work can take a short walk off a long pier for the foreseeable future. It is only work, after all. Looking after yourselves is your job at present.

  • Betty M

    I managed to escape work as each of my miscarriages was timed to coincide with either a public holiday or my own holiday plans. Go me on avoidance tactics. I expect I would have plugged on to work if circs had been different and it wouldn’t have been the best thing. I say stay home and do whatever the hell ou like. Thinking of you both. X

  • sheila

    Thinking of you heading for the scan today. Regardless of the outcome, I hope you come home to even more butterscotch chocolate and bake off re runs. Big hugs.

  • Emily Erin

    Sad to see your Twitter feed, but agree that it is a small mercy that there’s not more pain (physically) in your future. I ache for you and H, though. Sending much love, chocolate, spirits and trashy novels to read as you recover. Oh, and universe? You suck.

  • Anonymous

    Following a peek at your Twitter feed… Deep, long exhale. Really sorry.

    Sending kind thoughts to you both.

    K x

  • loribeth

    “This society is not vey kind to sufferers.” Ain’t it the truth?? So glad you are able to take the time you need. (((hugs)))

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