And now kindly wash your hands (NBHHY)

I am having not such a good day today. Yesterday was excellent, in that I felt quite quite hormonal, and found the commute home to be very much a trial to my overkeen sense of smell and evening nausea (that’s me. Not morning sickness, evening sickness). People of Britain! Washing is neither expensive nor bad for you! Kindly do it daily!

And then I slept badly and woke up slightly feverish, with a sore throat and tummy cramps. Oh, fucking hurrah. And not feeling pregnant at all.

So I went back to bed and pretended to be in a coma for a while.

The cramps were actually being caused by a slight gastro-intestinal disturbance – my bowel is not perfectly happy and is alternating between mild constipation followed by Day of Reckoning Also Several Visits To Privy, and then back to nada for a couple of days. Today was a Day of Reckoning, and I think Cute Ute was not enjoying the pressure, as it were. She is being quite domineering in there. Satsuma is also still achy and twingey and at great pains to let me know she took a giant needle for me. Over a dozen times. After having been inflated to a, oh, I don’t know, she says cantaloupe, but I think she’s milking it.

Having cheered, marginally, up about that, I then decided to weigh myself, because, Gentle Readers, I feel rather larger than I was. And I indeed am piling on weight at a rate of a couple of pounds a week since they popped the embryo back in dear God. I have not changed my diet. If anything I am snacking less because the metal-mouth makes chocolate very unappetising. Fucking hormones. Not that I mind putting weight on and growing serious tummy as such – I am pregnant, damn it – but it feels a bit weird to be gaining so fast and looking so very… tummy… already. I am six weeks. Surely nothing much should be happening, weight-wise, yet? My little passenger is the size of a raisin. Raisins do not weigh 6lbs. So there was that.

Remind me that I’m on Metformin, which has always made me gain half-a-stone or so because I’m weird, and I’m on progesterone, which makes everyone bloated and constipated, and I’m on steroids, and what did I think would happen on steroids?

Naturally, having crushed my indifferent breasts into my ribs repeatedly and having made myself eat mayonnaise to mere mild pleasure rather than unGodly retching, I peed on the remaining (cheap, insensitive (it told me I looked fat, the bastard)) pregnancy test. The test line came up thick and vivid before my pee had even soaked as far as the control line. Last week, the same brand took two minutes to provide a faint, if clear, line. So I am peeing out rather more HCG than I was last week, for what it’s worth. Which isn’t much, when you’re an Olympic-grade worrier like me.

There’s a whole week to go before the scan. I am going to go quite quite mad.

I have put myself back to bed with the ginger ale and a bucket of herbal tea and Agatha Christie. It seems the only thing to do under the circumstances (crapping hell, my throat is sore. A colleague was off sick yesterday after sneezing and coughing all over the place on Wednesday. Do I think…? Yes I do).

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18 responses to “And now kindly wash your hands (NBHHY)

  • Alexa

    Oh god, I hate this part, the waiting for the scan. I seem to recall an entire year of seasons passing between transfer and the first scan with the twins, and I at least managed to wrangle a pity scan at 5w and some number of days. And my symptoms were MADDENINGLY inconsistent. Ugh. I am wringing my hands for you. Wouldn’t a weeklong coma be nice about now? Just a little coma.

  • a

    Gah! Stress is so….stressful! And to get a cold on top of it – well, that’s absolutely too much!

    So, distraction, then. I was watching one of our fake news comedy shows (where they mostly make fun of the news rather than make up the news), and saw that the UK has now banned porn on the internet. Unless you specifically request that it be turned on. So, does that mean you rally up all your friends and neighbors (and parents and grandparents) so that everyone has porn? Or do you shamelessly order your porn-enabled internet? Or do you just say “eh – don’t need it, but what are the neighbors going to do?” Something to wonder about…

  • Emily Erin

    Bah! So sorry that you’re feeling poorly and hopeful that you’ll find something suitably distracting to do while you’re tucked in bed. Cheering from here!

  • Jo

    Ah, yes, indeed. Those two weeks were far worse than cycling. I, too, piled on the weight (8 lbs by yesterday’s weigh-in) with no excuses other than IVF and laying about. I look almost six months pregnant already and am dreading my students nosy questions when I return to work next week. My symptoms were very inconsistent in those early weeks – some days I felt awful and others perfectly normal. It finally left at 7 weeks (to my terror) only to return four days later like a ton of bricks. So please don’t fret – I am sure your turn is coming. Oh, and I totally POAS at five weeks, and again at six. It’s simply too hard not to. It’s reassuring for about five seconds before the “what ifs” take over again. Hell, I had a perfect scan yesterday and I’m still checking the tp and fretting over cramps. It’s normal, though maddening. Here’s hoping the next week passes quicker than you expect – I can’t wait to hear the wonderful news of your bub snuggled in tight.

  • Melissa

    I always gained quite a bit of water weight and felt very bloated in early pregnancy. I popped a bit of a belly but it went away as some of the bloat subsided (of course playing havoc with me, thinking something was wrong). And constipation, oh my dear yes, I had that terribly in early pregnancy. I hope you feel better all around! Being sick AND pregnant just doesn’t seem fair, as pregnancy so often makes you feel sick!

  • bionicbrooklynite

    I was just looking at wedding pictures, from when I was eight weeks pregnant with the Bean. I hadn’t actually gained much weight, but boy, I can see the belly. And I was wearing a sari, for heaven’s sake. I blame the progesterone for relaxing the heck out of our midriff muscles and OHSS for stretching everything so well to begin with. In fact, I wonder if some very mild OHSS remnant might be adding to your weight a skotch. Just a thought, not a worry.

    My own addled ovaries were just killing me during that time, too. I hope Satsuma calms down soon.

    The business with the bottom, for what it’s worth, sounds very pregnant indeed to me. File under revolting reassurances, I suppose.

  • minichessemouse

    Those early weeks are rather ARGH making. Hopefully (in the nicest possible way) you shall soon start randomly spewing and needing to pee every 47.5 minutes.

    Followed by three months of having your internal organs rearranged by a small wriggling person.

  • QoB

    I have nothing to add to this, apart from general good thoughts in your direction and wishes for a pleasingly distracting weekend.

    Oh, and this thread on Numberwang (if you know Mitchell & Webb). It is, as I hear people sometimes say, diverting.
    http://www.reddit.com/r/britishproblems/comments/1jvgn6/i_said_numberwang_to_the_pet_shop_cashier_when_my/cbioq86

  • Betty M

    I am going to kill whoever recommended Feedly to me. Yet again my carefully crafted comment has been eaten. Reduced version- IVF made me fat morning(noon and night) sickness made me thinner. Pregnancy causes digestive issues – heartburn, farting, constipation all this will be yours! All sounds very reassuringly symptom-y to me. Courage (in French obv) my dear!

  • sheilamcameron

    Just big hugs. Counting down the days with you.

  • Kylie

    I think it’s water retention. That’s what I am telling myself anyway. That and the super slow digestive system.

    The waiting for the scan is torture. Fingers crossed all is well.

  • Robyn

    Water retention, hormones, blood volume increases, pregnancy plays havoc with all these things just to give those of us more plumpcious to start with, one more unpleasant thing…weight gain…to fret over. And the steroids are the very devil – puff you out and up like rapidly inflating balloon. And it was galling to have to listen to any friends, built like barbie ironing boards, complain about how fat they were getting when I was approaching the size of a small village.

    Morning sickness is gross generalisation. I got it in the mornings, in the afternoons, in the evening, during the night and whenever I walked past a butcher’s shop. It can go at 12 weeks and return at 33 with a vengeance. Still find buying sausages a slightly queasy experience 27 years later. Not the eating, just the olfactory pavlovian response. Twinings ginger and lemon tea is lovely and if you make up a large, strong batch and let it cool you can pour a couple of inches worth in a glass, add ice and sparkly soda/mineral water and you have lovely fizzy drink minus the sugar with anti-nausea benefit. Although your mileage may vary as there are no concrete promises as regards how individual bodies will respond to the amazing job of growing a new human.

  • Mina

    Ginger and lemon tea worked for me too. Just be careful not to steep it too much, it can get less lovely withing seconds. And the sparkling water could be a nice addition, but I get so unbelievablly bloated from it, so just see how it works for you.
    The looking pregnant is what it is. At least you ARE pregnant, and you have to eat/munch to keep nausea and dizziness at bay (it is efficient for most). It would be helpful to weigh not too very much, because later in the pregnancy carrying it all the time, everywhere, it is less pleasant, but you will deal with that when you get there. And it is such a very good problem to have. So, except the vanity aspect, I would say to not worry about that.

  • Chickenpig

    If I recall correctly, at about 6 weeks the very-early-drug-induced symptoms start to switch over to different symptoms, which can be terrifying. In my case my boobs still hurt, but only when they got cold, and I still felt nauseous on occasion, but only when I tasted or smelled particular things. I also took on a lot of water. If you drink more, you’ll pee more, which will help.

    Only a few more days until your scan. Only a few more days…..

  • twangy

    Sorry to hear about the cold, poor you. Urg. And all the worry. However, hbhhy, nbhhy! Lovely acronym.

    Why must time drag so at such times? Gah. So maddening!

  • Lilian

    The bowels thing is defintely not fun, but seems to be a very common symptom of pregnancy. I’m finding it really hard not to think about the pregnancy All The Time.The only effective distractions I’ve found are work (when it’s not totally boring), cookery programmes (waiting for the Bake Off to be back on!) and absorbing books, of which there seem to be not enough, but perhaps I’m just not reading the right ones. Agatha Christie sounds like a good plan. Hope the cold goes away soon. Waiting with you.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    There is almost no pregnant lady who does not have A Bowel Moan occasionally, I fear. The proximity to uterus appears to be a minor genetic oversight…

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