A certain place of tiredness

Item – I now have four peesticks lined up on the bathroom windowsill, each one with the second line a shade more marked and obvious than the last. You have to squint at the one I took on Tuesday morning. This morning’s? It’s still faint, but you can see it feet away. I don’t think even Bitter McTwisted can argue that they’re all faulty (all three different brands), but occasionally she tries.

Item – we have a fancy digital peestick for tomorrow’s Official And We Phone The Clinic test. I’ve never used a fancy digital one before.

Item – The spotting from Tuesday has not reoccurred. I concluded that it probably was caused by the progesterone pessaries and went aft instead, effectively converting them into suppositories, ho ho. And so now I have a sore sensation in my back passage as well. I’m buggered either way (ho ho ho). Another eight weeks of this I am to hope for. Huh.

Item – I was not only bloated and miserable, but viciously crampy last night. Cute Ute felt hard and heavy and somehow full of corners. The funny thing is, she used to feel like this when I was pregnant with Pikaia. It’s eerie. (For newcomers to the blog, Pikaia was my first pregnancy, five years ago, and the one I got furthest along with before she was revealed to be a blighted ovum, poor little sod, who had no intention of going anywhere on her own and had to be surgically removed. Which turned into a shitstorm. Yay memories!). I lay down and drank Gatorade and water, and it didn’t help much, and I had a bloody miserable night with no sleep, bonus rainstorm at 2am, and a snoring husband (I will staple his bottom lip to his nose, so help me). This morning, I had the runs. OH JOY. Which of the many drugs, hormones, or excess heat coursing through me caused that, eh? So I stayed at home. And stared vaguely into space a lot. And now I have cramps again. Are the cramps just going to be A Thing every evening?

Item – Oh! A fun thing! DrSpouse was in town yesterday, and we had a quick lunch together, sitting in the shade on a bench. That was nice.

Item – H and I are being very… restrained… in our expressions of jubilation. In our feelings of jubilation. Because history. We just sit about having occasional sensible discussions about scheduling scans and whether I’ve drunk enough water today. We have yet to tell family on either side, for example. We haven’t had that discussion yet.

Item – I am probably going to have to tell work in the next few days, because I will be scheduling eight trillion pregnancy-related doctors’ appointments and per law, if it’s pregnancy related, you get paid time off to attend. It feels weird, wrong and stupid to tell work before I tell my parents, but I am a snowflake and everything in my reproductive history is weird, wrong and stupid, so fuck it. Also, if this goes wrong (ohpleasepleasepleaseno) I am taking the rest of the Summer off and damn the consequences, only, consequences may well be slightly less damnable if work has an inkling why I have lost my tiny mind and fucked off into the outer blue yonder.

Item – My Dad has had some awkward news about his health, and has been read the Riot Act about his drinking and smoking. Total abstinence may save his life. He has announced that he will now try total abstinence, and I feel wry, sad, and cynical about it all. Because history. Having his sesame-seed-sized grandchild on board adds a rather gloomy flavour of poignancy and regret. Will this one get to play with Grandpapa? Will Grandpapa get to play with it?

Item – And there are several dear people out there who are not pregnant now. And we would’ve been pregnant together. And it’s so sad. So endlessly, hugely sad.

48 responses to “A certain place of tiredness

  • bionicbrooklynite

    Hooray for increasing lines! And the occasion for a fancy Digital!

    I have found both times that the cramping came in fits and starts. It was decently bad quite early this time, but then hasn’t bothered me again in ages. So I think it will not go on forever. I mention that in the spirit of reassurance now and reassurance later, when you decide that not feeling crampy is a Bad Sign. Or maybe that is just me.

    As for work vs. parents, it is an odd thing, but I have told more people I don’t care very much about than those I do, so far. It feels practical to tell in some cases, emotionally treacherous in others. So I would tell work and not parents (if you are not ready) and chalk it all up to your very advanced sense of pragmatics. Or something.

    Also, have I mentioned my very quiet, restrained squeeing on your behalf? Along with the misting up, of course, and the hoping, and the wishing others were in the same delicate condition. Xo

    • bionicbrooklynite

      I see I left out an important part. I MEANT to say, that I wonder if the early cramping is because you have been pregnant before? I was crampy earlier this time than with the Bean (I think; OHSS last time complicates things), and it seemed to stop sooner. I meant to say that part, because I thought it might be a useful idea, but also because I did not intend to erase the fact that you have been pregnant more times than I have, after all, and might know a thing or two about these feelings. Sheepish hugs.

      Ps, I bet sheep would give great hugs, if they had arms. So fluffy!

      • May

        Normally I work out I’m pregnant approximately 37 minutes before it all goes to hell, so I really can’t say my previous experiences are useful or relevant AT ALL. Hence yes please other people’s experiences and thoughts. Betttina downthread there had a good point about endo and early cramps, and both my endo and adenomyosis are a lot worse now than they were with Pikaia, natch, so comparisons to,earlier pregnancies of mine are all so much marsh gas. Except the suddenly-going-off-chocolate thing. That’s back. Arse.

        Colossal hug.

      • May

        PS – and sheep should be WASHED. Fleece harbours… everything. And smells. Says the daughter of the sheep farmers.

  • Valery Valentina

    ooohhh, Pikaia. I’ve been thinking of her, and her sesame seed sibling.
    I’m afraid of what might happen, but i trust that with both history AND riverside on your side you have a different chance.

    I had to tell my boss about taking time of work to fly away for transfer. He asked when I would know if it had worked, I told him 6 weeks, because that was my first scan. When he looked at me odd I did say that bad news would be earlier, which did indeed shut him up.
    My parents are …um… oldfashioned, so i stuck to the old rule of waiting to tell till 12 weeks… I really couldn’t handle the emotional impact any earlier (and Gdd, the questions! I’m not their biology teacher for fxs sake !)

    sending hugs (cool, feathery ones)

    • May


      H and I are having quite the discussion about telling parents, when to tell, how much to tell, and how I really don’t want to spend hours and hours explaining it all to people whose heads explode at the concept of two-foot needle through the vagina. But they will ask questions. Aieeeee. And my mum knows we’re Up To Something and she talks to H’s parents, so we can’t tell one set but not the other and oh, *headdesk headdesk headdesk*. Ah well. It keeps my mind off symptoms.

  • Betttina

    My cervix started hurting remarkable early – by four or five weeks the weight of the embryo pressing on my cervix was just! Incredibly! Heavy! There’s a lot of endometriosis around/on/under my cervix. So yay that your uterus aches with the growing embryo, is what I am trying to say.

    I didn’t want to tell ANYONE until 15 weeks but I ended up telling work when I was only four weeks. The secretary and I had a delicious secret for months and she loooooved it. That turned out to be really fun for us both.

    I am still just so happy for you and H. It’s my American superlativeness but I am so excited for you.

    • May

      Ah, yes, endo, the bitch. No doubt it’s NOT HELPING. We should do a survey. Do ladies with endo/adenomyosis get more early pregnancy cramps than ladies without? Or not? Or does it depend? On what does it depend?

  • Mina

    Come on, good news, come ON, here, here, now SIT and STAY. Goooood news!
    As for the buggered business, May, really, lay back and think of England. If that is what it takes, then ‘just relax’ and whinge here whenever you can, eh? And look at those darkening lines on the sticks and it will all be easier (no, not really, just motivational, actually, but let’s not fuss with details).

    • May

      That made me laugh.

      Oh I do so hope I get to whine about progesterone suppositories for the next couple of months. I hope I get to bore you all sick with it.

  • Robyn

    Nothing I can say will make the waiting less unbearable or send your growing anxiety into the far reaches of the universe. Just know I’m thinking of you most of the day and that if wishes worked, you would be protected from all this by the biggest anti-hurt buffer I could knit for you both. Still with everything crossed. xx

  • Blanche

    I am so so happy for those 4 pee-sticks lined up on your windowsill. (That may be one of the strangest sentences I have ever composed.) Wallow in their ever-deepening colors. Believe, even if just for moments. Sending much hope over the pond to you and H.

  • Betty M

    Holding my breath for tomorrow’s fancy digital and more evidence of good things.

  • barrenbetty

    I only just threw all of my tests in the bin today. They have been on my bedside table for about 10 days now. I did a digital 4 days before OTD because I am silly, but dear God I am addicted now. All these pee sticks are costing me a fortune. I really, really need to stop! Good luck for tomorrow. It’s looking pretty good so far! xx

  • L.

    I have peesticks from 6 years ago. Yes, yes I do. They are all dried out and not stinky, and I can’t bring myself to throw them away because they strike me as an utter miracle every time I look at them. They encapsulate a miraculous transition from a sesame seed to an actual breathing child who won’t do what I say.

    Even though I just had the one miscarriage, through my entire first pregnancy I couldn’t feel certain. I felt like I was in a strange limbo, like all the signs (even six or eight months in when the “sign” was being giant) pointed to a particular outcome, but I couldn’t quite believe it. It honestly, truly, felt like a giant surprise when I went into labor and at the end there was this baby.

    Given all the troubles you’ve come through, no wonder you’re holding your cards close to the vest. I’m secretly quietly hoping for you, but in the same way of abeyance, taking it step by step with you.

    (And I am uttering a very tiny and tentative squee)

    • May

      I have a peestick from Pikaia, tucked in an envelope and buried in a drawer somewhere. And another peestick on my bedside table from December 2010. I can’t make myself throw either away. Because Gothic Morbidity, I suppose. How even more so would I keep one for a sesame seed that stayed! I’d keep it forever.

      It’s the evil thing about miscarriage. You never get to feel safe and confident in your subsequent pregnancies. Never ever. Not even when being kicked in the lung. It’s not fair. But then, you and the abyss have looked into each other.

  • Amy P


    I think of Pikaia in sort of a wistful way when Gracie hits a big milestone, does something exceptionally clever, etc. After all, had Pikaia made it and hung in a few days past due date, and had Gracie been a few days earlier, they could’ve shared a birthday (and, of course, at this point, 2 weeks isn’t a big age difference…)

  • nonsequiturchica

    Yay darker lines! I had cramping that felt like period cramping from the day before my beta through about the first two weeks of my pregnancy. It made me really nervous, but so far so good (I’m 21 weeks).

  • a

    Oh, isn’t it fun to enter the increasing anxiety portion of the program? Well, I’ll just hope that you spend your summer working away – and fall too, so you can get things so caught up they won’t even miss you when you wander off for a while.

    Sorry to hear that your dad will be forced to stop all his bad habits – I know how difficult that is, and I wish him luck in accomplishing it. He will be needed.

    • May

      Eventually I shall get so anxious you could power a small wind turbine off me. I know it.

      Thanks for understanding just how awful and hard this is for my poor Dad. He has smoked since he was 14, poor sod, and drunk too much his entire life, and it’s not just the habit and the addiction, it’s a pillar and mainstay of his entire personality and existence. He is just not himself when sober and not smoking. He is, literally, half of his former self. It’s heartbreaking (word chosen advisedly).

  • Robyn

    Now Twitter is playing funny buggers with my password…the password that worked perfectly well a few days ago. Just wanted to favourite your latest tweet. Because it is my favourite. OF ALL TIME. xx

  • Twangy

    Oh! I see from twitter you have the Official test result. Confirmation! Wonderful news, May.

    It is indeed a strange and intense time to live through, so hopeful and fearful.
    One minute at a time.


    • May

      Officialness is weird. I’m still waiting for someone to pop up and tell me I’m wrong and silly and my goodness, how could I tell the clinic nurses such a pack of tarradiddle? But I have peesticks! They can’t all be wrong! OR CAN THEY. *Drives self mad*

  • g

    May! I am so so cautiously dancing on rooftoops for you!

  • Sheila

    Well done on the positive test – congratulations! Another step closer….

    Hugs for Pikaia.

    • May

      It feels so weird being congratulated ( not that I don’t like it!). I feel like I had very little,to do with any of this. It sort of… happened to me. I just keep on injecting and swallowing and sticking things where the sun don’t shine.

      Thank you for the hugs. Pikaia is very much on my mind at the moment.

  • Melissa

    Hooray for ever increasing confirmation!!! Those early pregnancy cramps are a total mind-eff, aren’t they?? Drove me crazy with worry!

  • Womb For Improvement

    OH my goodness this is exciting…

    • May

      Isn’t it?

      I’m so sorry I can’t comment on your blog at the moment (stupid laptop is borked and Genius Bar is booked solid for the next two weeks). Thinking of you and all that.

  • Lilian

    So glad to read the good news! Also…me too! Empathising with the sense of disbelief and conflicting emotions. (And hoping no one I know in real life will read this!)

    • May

      Oh Lilian! Oh wow! Oh, good luck, good luck, good luck. Fingers crossed, thinking of you, hugs and everything and WOW. You’re amazing.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I often thought that entering a state of suspended animation would be lovely about now, lasting until around 36-ish weeks. So you miss the months of anxiety, and simply have a fortnight in which to enjoy The Belly, and buy Baby Impedimenta without All The Stress. Because, as you say above, the evil thing about miscarriage is that you become pessimistic, and can’t enjoy all the Wonderfulness. It IS wonderfulness, though, and it’s Different to what has gone before, in so many ways. I am beyond delighted!

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