Now set the teeth

I am spending a lot of the time at the moment trying to calmly, composedly, stare the whole ‘No Kids Not Now Not Ever’ thing in the face.

I have spent some choice moments during the past few years alternately squinting into its actinic glare, running past it with my eyes shut, throwing open the closet door and shrieking ‘AAAAIEEEE’ in its face before slamming the door shut again, and occasionally having a real good histrionic wallow in concentrated essence of melodrama and declaring myself a future lonely abandoned mad cat lady found dead in a bin being eaten by foxes and whose name no one knows or cares about.

Calm composure, May my dear, calm composure.

Life without kids will not suck, will not destroy me, will not lead to my abandonment and feral death, will not burn out my retinas. Life without children will, in fact, be dandy. I will grieve, I will feel burning flailing resentment for the costs to my health and sanity trying to have children exacted, I will heal, I will pull by bloody socks up, and I will move on. This may take years, it may take months. But there it is, and there am I, and that will be that.

Meanwhile, what with the Summer of Needles looming before me, Shakespeare says it all rather well

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o’erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O’erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill’d with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.


13 responses to “Now set the teeth

  • a

    Got get ’em, tiger!

    Life without kids would be different than life with kids. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. It’s just really, really frustrating to not get what you want. I’m hoping the Summer of Needles will provide you with what you want, though…

    • Anonymous

      Not that it should matter, but I rather agree with you.

      In the meantime, all the best, May & H! All the best!

      K x

  • Twangy

    Well said, brave, wise and mighty May.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    I bet Shakespeare appreciates the ping-back.

    Love to you, brave one. Brave for all of it, the needles and the thoughts.

  • Teuchter

    This is where something philosophical and deeply comforting is needed – but my words are inadequate so all I can offer is a virtual hug

  • Anonymous

    Now the game’s afoot all you can do is follow your spirit

  • loribeth

    You summed it up perfectly, May!

  • HAT

    any post that has me googling words for their meaning is bound to be good.
    But this is one I can truly echo. I too ran and hid and put my hands over my ears and yelled “lalalala i cant hear you” whenever anyone mentioned the thought of LWOK. But having finally truly accepted it as my life last year, i have found peace. actual peace. yes grieving and groaning and pangs of pain when Driver pulls a bone head maneuver by pointing out that I look like Lambert’s mom (the sheep that got no lamb) but for the most part I have learned to love the life I am living now, and no longer living in perpetual preparation of the life that will be if I want it bad enough and can convince enough people who matter in these things that we are not BSC (bat poop crazy) and please give us children… oh please……
    Ahem… living life now is so much better.

  • starrhillgirl

    Perfectly timed. Thank you.

  • Jo.

    I’ve been staring that in the face myself, this past year. Still slamming the door closed, but leaving it open for a little it longer each time. It’s terrifying, but also sort of a relief. At least for me. I am hoping that neither of us does, ultimately, end up there…but if we do, can I hold your hand? It’s less scary when there are two of us.

  • Mali

    Bravo! I love your last paragraph (before the Shakespeare). Life without kids is no better or worse than life with kids. You will adjust and adapt. You won’t adjust and adapt immediately, but you will get there. It won’t be perfect, but life with kids isn’t perfect. And you will find joy – an unexpected, different joy. And a whole new world can and will open up to you. I know. I’m just a bit further up the road.

    Wishing you so much luck.

  • Jen

    Not an easy task – not now, not ever. But one that can be done and with full gusto as you have. We’re all around too, just difficult to spot. But we’re here.

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