I don’t know why, but I’m feeling angry and sad at the moment.

Maybe it’s because we’re going to get a fourth opinion, things are moving forward, we might be about to do something big and, err, doey, about the infertility/RPL Suck Permanence that is my life. It’s frightening. Suck Permanence may be deeply unpleasant and soul-destroying, but it tends not to put your soul on the line and then jump up and down on it in hobnailed boots.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling a tad lonely these days. Hello, Gentle Readers. How many of you are five, six, seven, more, years into trying to have a child, and yet still childless? Do you also, just sometimes, feel a bit left-in-a-ditch? Not that anyone wants to leave us in a ditch, of course not. But here is the ditch of years-and-years-and-nothing, and we are in it, and quite a lot of our best and most beloved cheerleaders aren’t, and there are moments when we just feel… slightly… a tad… well, left-in-a-ditch. I must give myself a hearty slap and shake before I start wailing ‘nobody understands meeeeeeeeeeee’. So jejune.

And I’ve not done myself any favours by falling out of the blogging-and-commenting loop the past few months (aha! Favourite punctuation of the day, the hyphen!). Woe is me, self-inflicted woe is me too. Woe!

And then there’s my uterus. My period is due next Monday, possibly Tuesday. I would like a pint of strong coffee and a very large bottle of wine now please. Remind me to tell you about the actual state of said uterus at some point when we’re all either slightly drunk or feeling very strong-stomached. *shudder*

Anyway! And another thing that made me angry today! –

I was in a coffee shop this lunch-time, buying soup, when I overheard two women at the table behind me. One was saying: ‘No, I don’t have kids.’ The other replied, in tones of excitable jollity: ‘Oh, but you should! Kids are great!’

Oh, for the sake of fuck.

I took my soup and my tea and slunk sloshily away. I don’t even know how the first woman reacted. But on behalf of all childless people everywhere, I’d like to say:

Never say ‘You should have kids!’ to a childless person.

Two reasons:

One: They really don’t want kids. They know they don’t want kids, can’t afford kids financially or psychologically or physically, don’t like kids perhaps, and did I mention? Do not want kids. Telling them they should have kids regardless? Anyone who has the intelligence and insight to know they can’t do parenting and then take steps to prevent themselves becoming a parent should be celebrated. I can think of few acts more morally awkward than bringing an unwanted, unloved child into this world. I know many oops! pregnancies have turned out for the best, and the parent has found new reserves of love and strength and dealt with it with grace and courage, even if that includes the courage to let the child go to another family. But then, so many more (in my own family, even, and by the dozen) have turned out, if not actually horrifically, then into low-grade, dreary, resentful misery which sets up a whole new generation of neurotic and damaged people to be unwilling and shitty parents. It’s just not fair to do that. It’s not fair to wish parenting on people who bloody well know it’s not something they can handle. Think of the children! A person who does not want kids, and therefore does not have them, should have their hand shaken, and that is the end of that.

Two: They really do want kids. Best case scenario, they have only recently started trying for a baby, and will have one very soon, and your thoughtless squeaky remark is merely utterly pointless and bossy. They’re already on that! FFS! More likely, they want kids, but can’t have them. They are still single, perhaps, so just rub that the fuck in why don’t you? Or they’ve been trying for a while. You know you’ve just basically slapped them in the face? Or maybe they’ve been trying for years, or had a miscarriage? Well, now, would you go up to a car-crash victim in a wheelchair and burble: ‘Legs! They’re great! You should try having some!’? Would you skip past a homeless man shrieking: ‘Houses are fabulous, dude! I love my house!’? Would you prance up to a widow or widower and chortle: ‘Isn’t marriage great? Why aren’t you married? Try being married!’? No? But you just did the moral equivalent, you turnip-head.

Excuse me; I am going to fume picturesquely in the middle distance.


22 responses to “Pissiness

  • Dr Spouse

    Is it eating my comments again??!

  • Dr Spouse

    Gah. What I was trying to say was… saying “oh but you should” to people who don’t have children (and I have had this said to me) is like saying “Oh but you should be well!” to someone who has cancer or “Oh but you should be a doctor!” to someone who is a very happy nurse/teacher/computer programmer.

  • Jo.

    Love this post. As one of fewer than five people I can think of still childless after too many years (eleven now, this month, egads!), I get the loneliness. Even when it is self-imposed — I haven’t blogged or commented much at all lately. I’m kind of like, what’s the point? Nothing new to report, and frankly I have lost the ability to spout encouraging words at someone who will undoubtedly have a baby before me. But I do love YOU, and wish for the state of your uterus to become occupied, for keeps, very, very soon.


  • Nicky

    I can only wish you the best, and that no horrible stranger tells you, “Oh, but you should!” My aunt and uncle tried for years to have kids, and had several miscarriages. When they lost a set of twins in the second trimester, they decided that was enough. They’ve found joy in many other things, are wonderful as an aunt and uncle, and are planting way more fruits and veggies than they can eat on their “new” hobby farm. I don’t know how your story will turn out, I very much hope you get the child you long for. But! I know a child-free life isn’t all desolation and doom. Good luck with the fourth opinion!!

  • a

    Yeah, I’m the kind of person who would respond with 1 or 2 when someone pushes a topic.

    I hope the Fourth opinion is of some use. I hope the next Shark Week is not terrible. I hope there is lots of wine.

  • Mina

    There are so many articulate, witty, punchy answers one could give to the ‘you should have children’ nonsense, but none so quick and effective as an extended middle finger.
    I hope with all my heart you get out of this limbo soon, with a baby to take home to be spoiled rotten with love and cuddles and kisses. I hope opinion no 4 brings on light and solutions. I hope shark week shows up with loads of comfy cages for the sharks where they can retreat for a nice holiday, nomming on seaweed snacks and classical music in a completely relaxed atmosphere.

  • Twangy

    HAHA! “Friends! Money! House! A really nice life partner! YOU SHOULD GET ONE.” Being able to do the funny pissiness is a Sign Of True Character.

    I am so sorry however that life is such that you have to show such grit.

    And I wish you much luck with the 4th.

  • wombattwo

    I really hope that opinion number 4 brings a useful and effective plan that sits well with both you and H. I am nosily intrigued to wonder what happened with Dr Expensive though?

    I am so sorry about the whole left in a ditch thing. I hope beyond hope that a little person arrives to pull you out of that ditch very very soon.

    Also – people are morons. “you should have kids!” Try minding your own fucking business, you thoughtless fuckwit! (Er the person who said that, not you, obviously…)

  • kylie

    huh, i typed a comment and then I found the very special go back button combination on my keyboard that put me on the previous page. Grr

    I am sorry that you feel in a ditch, the ditch is not a fun place to be- and here’s hoping that 2013 sees you floating out of ditch, or at least finding the spets out. that’s the problem with a metaphor, my brain gets a bit stuck).

    Me- I am dreading the day when an extended family member comments on my sister’s impending baby with a “so when are you going to have one” I probably won’t be welcome at family gatherings for a while.

  • jjiraffe

    So much word.

    I can’t even tell you how many times I heard the “you should have kids!” speech when we were on the depths of infertility hell. It’s a really rude thing to say, as rude as saying, “Hey! You should really gef a boob job!”

    Fertiles: Don’t do it!

  • Jenny F. Scientist, PhD

    1) I find change extremely distressing in general. That vague awful wondering if it will just be worse… well.

    2) People are insensitive idiots. One of the many reasons I miss the South is that in the South, You Do Not Ask Personal Questions.

    3) I hope that one day- when you are done with it! – you and your uterus will be able to get a divorce.

    4) I feel that this is actually a very accurate summary of the first few years with children and would therefore never advise anyone else either for OR against it. (Don’t read it, it’s kind of annoying, but the graph is great.)

  • korechronicles

    I’m not from the South but I am from a generation *puts on old bat hat* that also believed deeply in Not Asking Personal Questions…not even of family. Openness and transparency is all very well but we could do with some resurrecting of old fashioned manners. Life Partner and I did not immediately have children as was the fashion back in the Dark Ages when we got married. I seriously shocked the staffroom at school when I was asked when I would begin trying. “We thought next Saturday afternoon at the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground). Would you like to buy a ticket?”

    Holding my breath that Opinion 4 brings some clarity and, with it, hope. Ditches are filthy, dank and lonely places and it hurts my heart to think of you and H abandoned there.

  • MFA Mama

    I think we should all print this post out and carry it around in the event that we overhear that very conversation. It’d be worth all the inevitable taking it out and “what the ‘ell is this–ohhh AGAIN? STILL?” and shoving it all dogeared back into our collective pockets JUST to be able to hand it over to the person merrily telling someone else what to do with their life and see the look on their face as they read.

  • Chickenpig

    Did you want to punch that person in the face? OH But you SHOULD! It feels GREAT!

    Just kidding, I wouldn’t want you to get arrested. But in those moments past punch – pre arrest you would feel great.

    I know of the loneliness of which you speak. I was in that ditch for 6 years and it is a horrible place to be. When you are in that ditch there is nothing but that ditch and how to get out of the ditch. And what is worse, the only way out of that ditch is to do big scary things. I hope that this next big scary thing is THE thing, the one that gets you OUT.

  • Emily Erin

    Brilliant post. Hoping that opinion #4 moves you in a towards baby direction, despite how scary and unsettling that might be.

  • bionic

    I am dreadfully behind on all the blogs in the world, but: hello. I wish you were the hell out of that damn ditch, I really god damn do.

    Also, I second Mina’s sound analysis of the utility of middle fingers. So pithy, they are.

  • Julia

    Just found your blog and I already love it. I’ll be following your journey.

    Nominating you for a Liebster Award. 🙂


  • Womb For Improvement

    Hope the fourth opinion heaves you out of the ditch. It is a fucker, not just how long you’ve been trying but the inactivity of the past year or so will only serve to highlight time passing. It always feels better being proactive so I really hope that you get a plan, a feasible, actionable, feels-right plan, soon.

    ‘Cause you know, you really should have kids. *ducks* (different emphasis I promise).

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Shark week approaches; thinking warm thoughts of you in a currently cold climate. I’m so very sad and frustrated about the ditch.

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