Lesser knowledge

Item – I’m letting H have the final (well. Final for the moment. Finalish. Non-final. Punctuational) word on the matter of feelings and expressing them and to whom and how and why and whether it’s any help at all to do so or not or what. It seems only fair. He says he’ll post tomorrow. At the moment he is emailing my mother about private IVF and has therefore earnt all the brownie points a man can earn in one evening.

Item – Meanwhile, we’ve both been busy and/or stressed and/or royally pissed off at work. H for good reasons involving tight deadlines and screwy budgets and peculiarly demanding but under-informed clients. Me for stupid reasons involving my giving too much of a crap about whether procedures are followed correctly, having to share an office with people arguing with each other about seniority, and my boss’s absolute, persistant, four-years-and-counting obsession with the fact that every now and then I am ten minutes late for work. I am working up the nerve to tell her I’m not paid enough to be responsible for the train company’s maintenance schedules on top of my own work. As it is, I have a fairly unpleasant panic attack every single morning that the trains fuck me about. My boss claims that my being ten minutes late ‘on such a regular basis’ (I think she means, every few weeks the trains fuck up for a week and I’m late maybe twice that week) makes me look like I ‘don’t care about work’. This is what bothers her. I should be glad it’s not my missing three days of work a month, I know, but I work late several times a week even on days I’m not late. I volunteer for extra training and responsibilities. I take on procedure-writing duties. I give talks on library skills. I am generally acknowledged to be the go-to expert of the team on four different subjects-areas. I can, and have, catalogued a seat-cushion. I ‘don’t care about my work’ indeed. I am so offended.

Item – But she’s right, you know, just a tiny bit. I do my job to the best of my ability because I’d feel scuzzy taking the money if I didn’t, and because I do care about my particular field of expertise, but yes, I’d dump the whole lot tomorrow and skip chortling into SAHM-land, waving my last pay-check like a jolly little flag, if only I could.

Item – Oh, and H has another bad cold. Another! He’s only just got over the one that arsed up our holiday at the end of March. I’m going to complain to the management, so I am.

Item – I, meanwhile, am not having bad colds. I am having desultory hay-fever (the one good thing about the utterly craptastical weather we’re having this Spring), so my eyes, nose, lips, and throat all itch all day long, and, err, that’s it. Oh, and I will now give myself horrible gas and diarrhoea if I eat wheat, it seems. I get a mild stomach-ache if I so much as eat the wrong brand of soy sauce. Oh, Universe, just why don’t you sod off.

Item – Given that my immune system has spent the past five years becoming thoroughly unreasonable, H and I are investigating various private providers of IVF who also do immune testing for RPL.

Item – And I showed H how to access my cycle charts online – you know, my ovulation/menstruation charts, which I keep religiously because I am one of the few people I know for whom charting really works in that I actually need to know when to expect my period so I can barricade the doors etc. and charting gives me at least ten days’ warning which is so freakin’ cool also unpunctuates me utterly – where was I? Yes. I showed H the charts, and he had a good look, and worked out what he was looking at (all the little green squares and cross-hairs), and then he drew my attention to a couple of cycles in the past year that looked worryingly like chemical pregnancies. Yes, I know. I worried myself sick those two months. But I didn’t get a positive pregnancy test for either of them, therefore I have not drunk and seen the spider*, and therefore they don’t count. I refuse, I categorically refuse, to up my count to nine. I won’t. They didn’t happen.

Item – H is getting over his mental block about IVF. He even said, today, that he was coming to terms with the fact we probably weren’t going to get pregnant naturally again. General feeling that we are sidling onto the same page again, though alas, poor H, what a thing to have to come to terms with.

*…How blest am I
In my just censure! in my true opinion!
Alack, for lesser knowledge! how accurs’d
In being so blest! There may be in the cup
A spider steep’d, and one may drink; depart,
And yet partake no venom (for his knowledge
Is not infected), but if one present
Th’ abhorr’d ingredient to his eye, make known
How he hath drunk, he cracks his gorge, his sides,
With violent hefts. I have drunk, and seen the spider. A Winter’s Tale, II.i.


10 responses to “Lesser knowledge

  • a

    I hate seeing the spider.

    The thing about managers is that they feel they have to manage something. Most of them like to pick on “timeliness” because it’s easy and visible. Fortunately (not for me, because I am maniacally prompt, if not early. It’s a compulsion.), my supervisor is often late herself, so she doesn’t bother us with that. You could be knocking assassins back from her door on an hourly basis, but if being late is her thing, you’re screwed.

    Good luck with the colds and the allergies…

  • katie

    Could you ask the manager what she thinks you should do about the timeliness? Would it help if you worked late those days/came in early another day/rang in as soon as you saw the train was going to be late?
    Knowing where you work, it’s unlikely to be putting anyone else out in a major way as there are always going to be other people there even if you’re due to be in a public-facing role the second you get there. I would only notice if an employee of mine was late if they put out a member of the public to be honest. I’m not at all bothered for myself and it doesn’t sound like any of your colleagues would complain.

    • May

      I already work late the days I am late, and for rather more minutes than I was late by. I already give up chunks of my lunch-break to make up the time as well. I can’t come in early because the office isn’t unlocked before-hand and Putting The Security Staff Out is Frowned Upon (especially by the Security Staff). I already ring the office the moment I realise I’m going to be late and leave messages. I’m only late enough to mess-up the public-facing shift about once every other year (and then because there was a fire at the Main Station, you see. An actual FIRE), so that’s not an issue as such. People in the other office are frequently ten, fifteen, twenty minutes late and it’s no big deal to that set of line-managers. According to my boss, what would help is my getting up half-an-hour earlier in the morning and taking an earlier train. Given the fact that I’m an insomniac claustrophobic who finds packed trains make me hyperventilate, I can’t see that happening with any degree of, err, happening. And she lives fifteen minutes from work and is late at least once a week, but she’s allowed to be because she has health issues. I think my only recourse is changing my start-time and shift pattern because I TOO have health issues. Which makes me feel very uncomfortable indeed.

      • Dr Spouse

        Sooo… she’d like it if you got an earlier train every single day and, I have hopefully worked out correctly, were standing waiting for the UnPutOutable Security Staff to open up on about 29 days out of 30? Hmm. What does she suggest you do with yourself before the office opens, hey?

        Sounds like it might be a case for talking to your boss’ boss – if she was in at 7am every day I’d say you might have to make some compromises but she has no legs to stand on.

        (For some reason the site thinks I want to “subscribe”, and has sent me an email to tell me to confirm this. Is this all part of the You Must Sign In To Comment On Blogs issue that seems to be around at the moment? Anyone else had an unrequested email to tell them to confirm their “subscription”? I’ve already got this blog in my Google Reader feed and I am pretty sure I never clicked anything to subscribe – unless the defaults have changed?)

        • a

          WordPress, in its endless quest to make me crazy, has decided to 1) no longer let you sign in with google credentials if you’ve ever used wordpress credentials and 2) automatically subscribe to other comments when you leave a comment, and 3) ask you if you want to use their “following” system all the time. I assume this is a competition thing with Blogger, and it’s very annoying. Note, on the log in icons, they don’t offer a google option, with their facebook and twitter options…

  • Betty M

    Aren’t you allowed flexitime or some such in your organisation? She seems to be making a mountain out of a very tiny mole hill if it is a rare occurrence. It’s not like you swan in late every day of the week. There isn’t any chance that she is using this as an excuse for something else is there? I’ve known public sector managers ( you are sort of pucblic aren’t you) who decide time keeping is the only part of a job that is essential when they are threatened by a managee in some way or are taking out some frustration about something else the employee does that they know they won’t be able to rely on in a disciplinary/ dismissal type context. Cant think why this would be the motivation when you do all those extras but some managers are nuts.

    Interesting news on the IVF research. what happened with the eminent Professor? Did she have any ideas in the IVF context even though she is not a fertility doc?

  • Womb For Improvement

    Glad you are pushing towards immune testing. Based on nothing more than mien worked this time I have become an utter convert to intralipids and associated treatment and from what I’ve read on the subject you are more of a ‘classic’ case than me.

  • On Sidling « Nuts in May

    […] problems now – causing me to be scared of encouraging her giving up her job even though it is really annoying). We did, however, manage to get married during this time – so I carried on supporting May […]

  • Twangy

    On how AlphaBoss is hyper-vigilant and Control Freakish: I mean, really, Boss, Big Picture, kindly pay attention thereto. I have had puh-lenty of opportunity to notice how middle management people tend to (ehem, myself included. Further reason to not like teaching: unflattering to self.) FIXATE on something obvious and small. It’s weirdly,,, parental.

    KINDLY DESIST, UBER-CONTROLLERS. Or go and get a job in McDonalds management! You’ll fit right in.

    Sorry to hear about the hay-fever and the cold, and the wheat allergy. So irritating. And really, oughtn’t the pollen be buggering off, soon?

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