Oh, look at that. A letter from the hospital, inviting me to a surgery follow-up appointment with Miss Consultant in a week’s time. Well now, isn’t that nice.

*Aaaand… relax*

So, what shall we fret about now?

Seriously, though, we have far too much to fret about at the moment. Lemme ‘splain:

  • H’s grandfather is, I think I mentioned, dying very slowly of something horrible and untreatable. The family is taking it in shifts to visit and help out and try and keep his grandmother calm (she is not calm. Why the hell should she be?). So H is feeling anxious and depressed and I think, a tad left out of it all, stranded over 100 miles away as he is. Fuck and alas. Also, we must arrange another visit.
  • H’s job went through a Phase of Anxst and Uncertainty (another one? Why, yes, another one!), which helped. Also, I could kick his bosses in the shins sometimes, really I could.
  • I ovulated really late this cycle (indeed, have I even ovulated? Or this complicated feint nine million and six?), and had an extra migraine for shit and giggles. Woe is me.
  • And my relationship with my own job has got to the point where, while I was lying face-down in bed with a pillow over my head, shivering and twitching at every infinitesimal noise (I nearly had a fit when a police-car screamed past outside), with what felt like an ice-pick in my right eye-socket and someone debriding the inside of my skull with a sharpened melon-baller, I thought ‘well, at least I’m having the day off work. Hurrah!’ And then I fell asleep. Which was brilliant.
  • If I did ovulate when I now think I did, I will get my period the weekend H and I have theatre tickets for. Satsuma’s sense of humour is getting increasingly warped.
  • The less said about our sex life at present the better. I think Kakapos do it more often with more enthusiasm.
  • And then there’s the rows – oh holy hell, but I’ve been irritable, and H has been irritating. With an added heaping helping of ‘do you have to be irritating right now because I had a migraine already?’ Which, as you can imagine, really helped with the sex-life.

In stuff-I’m-not-actually-fretting-about news, I have not allowed a morsel of wheat (or rye, or barley, or oats) to pass my lips for two months. I’ve missed it a lot less than I thought I would. And to think I saw myself by January 1st being wrestled to the ground outside Pizza Express by concerned onlookers as I tried to fling myself through the plate glass to steal pizzas straight off the tables. That’s not to say I don’t have moments of Weltschmerz when a colleague brings chocolate chip muffins to work, because I so do. On the plus side, that doesn’t mean I then eat the muffin and despise myself. On the minus side, I then do go and eat ricepotatoessugar for lunch and then can’t be arsed to despise myself. I’ve put on two pounds since I last weighed myself and all I could think was ‘huh. Figures.’

This is an improvement on beating myself to slurry with the Guilt Stick.

Look, I even put it in the ticker, so you could all see I’ve put on two pounds. These past two weeks have been so miserable and tetchy and depressing I frankly feel relieved I haven’t put on half-a-stone.

I’m currently wondering whether it would make me feel better to write a good long snivel about Infertility and RPL, Oh My God They Suck, or whether the stiff upper lip and the graceful gliding past such unfortunate displays of anxst would be preferable. Well, you might find it preferable, at least. I shall go and have a bath and mull it over.


27 responses to “Fretwork

  • thalia

    May sweetie I must have missed it. I mean I get the weight loss/PCOS thing and your commitment to shift weight, but why via giving up wheat rye barley and oats – oats? really? one of the best low GI foods around, full of fibre and slow release energy? But yes to rice potatoes and sugar which I’m sure you know aren’t helping you much unless brown rice/sweet potatoes and…well, not the sugar. Or am I misreading that? Wonder if you’d feel better if you went a bit more balanced at this – I know when I did low carb for about 2 weeks I had stinking headaches, was incredibly stupid (turns out brains need glucose), and constipated. Lots of white grains are not good for you, but some whole grains most definitely are.

    Anyway I may have got wrong end of stick.

    hang in there, I hope there is something better heading your way.

    • May

      I am giving up foods with gluten in because there seems to be a link between gluten intolerance, the resulting malnutrition and inflamation this causes, and endometriosis and recurrent miscarriage. The gluten avoidance is not about losing weight at all (which is why I am not beating myself up much about not going low-carb as well. One thing at a time, or May freaks out). I explain my reasoning here . And yes, I know it’s all a bit tenuous and hypothetical and seems a bit desperate, but I AM (desperate, that is, rather than tenuous or hypothetical. I think). Especially after the laparoscopy where they couldn’t even treat the endometriosis they could see because my uterus was too distorted and bulky to move out of the way. Also, the first period I had after giving up gluten was… less horrible than usual. Which is incentive to persist with it for at least another few cycles.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    oh may. i am sorry for all the angst and drang and all, but at this very moment i am utterly distracted by the kakapo article. i thought this was the best sentence i had ever read on wikipedia (which, thanks to students-who-apparently-think-i-can’t-work-google, i’ve read rather a lot of lately):

    The male continues booming in the hope of attracting another female.

    but then i read:

    Males do not start to boom until about 5 years of age.

    this is funny if one takes boom to mean fuck, funnier still if one reads it as fart, and just beyond compare if one imagines the periodic and sudden explosion of unsuspecting fowl, ala wile e. coyote.

    ahem. i am glad you have that appointment. i presume miss consultant can feel my stern, transatlantic thought vibes demanding Answers and Results and also General Skills of Smartness and Decency. i am dreadfully, dreadfully sorry about the ice-picking and brain-scooping, and that either should be considered better than work. also: bugger the two pounds. if the gluten thing doesn’t help the endo, you can try a different method to shift them, and if it does help the endo enough, maybe shifting them won’t be so necessary. at any rate, i hope that would mean feeling enough better that you have more energy to avoid the wiles of potatoricesugar.


  • a

    Tell me you’ve seen the Douglas Adams talk about the Kakapos! That was the most hilarious scientific lecture I’ve ever heard.

    Sorry to hear that H’s grandfather is dying of something horrible and untreatable. After watching my FIL die of cancer, I told my husband that if the same thing happened to him, I would smother him with a pillow. I do not want to watch him suffer. At any rate, I hope that the end is swifter and less unpleasant than expected, but that you still have a chance to get to see him again.

    • May

      “It’s a flightless parrot, it has forgotten how to fly. Sadly, it has also forgotten, that it has forgotten how to fly. So, a seriously worried Kakapo has been known to run up a tree and jump out of it….”

      It’s the shitting, buggering bastard of it all, knowing that H’s grandfather is suffering, and there’s nothing we can do except hold his hands in relays. At least he’s still compos mentis. No consolation to him, no doubt, but a great one to us. H has another elderly relative who is so completely demented she can no longer speak and hasn’t a clue who she is, let alone who her daughters are, and she is as strong as an ox and seemingly will outlive us all. As a giant pre-verbal toddler. That’s what REALLY scares me witless about old age.

  • Kylie

    Wow, is there a kakopo meme somewhere? I was just talking about them yesterday (more as a places I really want to go and can’t discussion than as a breeding comparison).
    Best wishes on the follow up- hopefully many answers will be provided.

    on weight- muscle weighs more than fat- sometimes it is possible to lose fat but not have the scales go down as the muscles replacing said fat weights more (and there is the counter punch one does not gain anything as fat replaces muscle, so the scales stay the same as the waist size grows). So if you have been doing various exercises as well, entirely possible to reduce fat but stay the same weight.

    • May

      It’s a lovely lovely theory, spoilt by the distressing fact that I have been sitting on my bottom almost solidly since Christmas. Alas.

  • The Sheila

    Has your eczema improved at all since going gluten free?

    • May

      Not really, to be honest. It went away… and then it came back. Though the recrudescence may be because it’s finally proper cold here in Blighty and cold always makes it flare up.

  • Womb For Improvement

    Well at least one less thing to worry about. An appointment is always a good thing for the horizon.

  • Wombattwo

    *Drifts off into a blissful daydream where May is a published author, writing her next novel while fondly patting her bump, and telling a three year old girl to “Please, darling, put the kakapo down and let it sleep.” Migraines don’t exist, and a miracle cure has been found for H’s grandfather. Or, at least, he is comfortable, and not in pain, and surrounded by family.*

    hugs x

  • Betty M

    Annoyed on your behalf that gluten free has not meant instant shedding of poundage and joyous bounding springiness of step , headache and itchiness free sweetness and light etc. How long will you go on with it for? will you be telling Miss Consultant?

    Sorry about H’s grandpa. It’s a horrible experience for all. Sorry about general bad tempered ness too.

    • May

      If my next period is also significantly less horrible than The Usual, I will never eat wheat again until menopause, I swear.

      Anyway, I did do some exercise today. Spring!

      Thanks for the condolences. It all sucks for everyone. Argh.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    My expectations are fulfilled. Tubbs and Edward, having sat on the letter for an unconscionable time, finally send it out juuuust at the point where it is long enough notice to actually make the appt, but short enough notice to make it inconvenient. Next week smells of NHSWhoopsWeForgotYou cancellation-nabbing, but HEY LET’S NOT COMPLAIN or they might reschedule it.

    I’m so sorry, lovey, about all of it. And migraines too, dammit! Oh, Universe, no fair. No fair at all. I share your general Meh-ness, including ailing grandparents and the putting-on-of-pounds. Not sure where I left my stiff upper lip: if I find it, I shall send you half and we can share a wry rictus between us. Dammit all to buggery fuck. And that is official.

    • May

      I think you are COMPLETELY right. I think Miss Consultant’s secretary, who is actually a nice woman, Had Words. Will not complain either. Will seethe a tiny bit.

      My upper lip is currently being wet paper. I don’t think I lost the stiff version, I think it DISSOLVED.

      January can’t last for ever. Can it?

  • korechronicles

    Glad that there are Kekapos for distraction and entertainment because the rest of your world is giving you both a right old battering. Glad Miss Consultant and her outsourced letter writing/appointment making minions have got their collective act together.

    I most sorry about the borked interior and the migraines. There are no words for their serious interference with what other people call normal life.

    Sending hugs to you and H for the long haul sadness that accompanies the terminal illness of a loved one.

  • Amy P

    Back in internetland, yay!

    May having horrid time, BOO!

    Appointment, finally!

    So, since by rights, stress should’ve given you half a stone, and you only gained 2 pounds, that’s a net loss of 5 pounds, right?

  • Shannon

    I’m going to state here – vociferously, as one does in someone else’s comments – that those two pounds are TOTALLY muscle weight. It’s not fat or water or bad weight gain. It must be muscle. Must. Thus there must be celebrating in the “I’ve not only lost two pounds, they’ve converted into muscle as they went!”

    Glass isn’t half empty. It just needs topping up.

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