Nuts to your white mice

I had thought that the damage to the carpet under the bed was caused by the ARSEHOLE FECKING BASTARD moths. However, for the last few nights, H and I have been kept awake by scritching, rasping, rustling and squeaking, and, you know, the ARSEHOLE FECKING BASTARD moths weren’t doing nearly as much damage as a small and clearly heavily pregnant mouse, who is tearing out tufts of our carpet for nesting material. Or, possibly, is eating moth-shit. I do so hope she’s eating moth-shit.

This is particularly infuriating because the in-Laws are coming to stay overnight, and I am now haunted by visions of them being woken in the night by cantering squadrons of vermin raiding their luggage.

Meanwhile, H is reacting to the joys of the new job, new colleagues, new desk, and new germs by developing a sore throat and upset stomach, and generously sharing the sore throat with me (I politely declined the stomach bug, so I can fit in some sneezing-with-impunity). We have sex occasionally anyway.

I am waiting to ovulate (again. For the quadrillionth time. Oh, I am so over it. (Don’t tell Satsuma that. I still don’t trust her not to storm off, slamming the fimbriae)). Therefore, I spent the day scrubbing floors and cleaning toilets while H hoovered and shunted furniture about. We rock so very hard.

Having the entire flat pervaded with small chewing shitting incontinent noisy pests is also an extreme buzzkill. Especially as we gave birth to none of them.


26 responses to “Nuts to your white mice

  • wombattwo

    Have a rather strange image now of you giving birth to a moth.

    Don’t mind me, I’ve consumed too much booze this evening.

    Bastard infestating (is that a word? I don’t know, but I like it) pests. Get a cat, forthwith. But not a cat that is scared of mice. Or moths.

    • May

      My to-do list this week:
      Hoover carpets
      Clean stove-top
      Clean guest bathroom
      Wash spare sheets
      Change moth-traps.
      Buy mouse-traps
      Burn flat to the ground
      Get cat.

  • BigP's Heather

    At least there are ways to get rid of the mice quickly.

    Still. Ew.

    • May

      Ew is exactly right. EW.

      Mice are a chronic problem in British housing, especially as most of it is 100 years old or more. They live in the walls and under the floor. We managed to keep them out of our flat (apartment) proper for years by finding and blocking all the access holes, but they must have chewed a new one over the summer. I daren’t poison them, they crawl back under the floor to die and cause Horrible Lingering Smell (ask me how I know. On second thoughts, don’t. It was DISGUSTING). So we have to do it the slow way – traps and finding the new access holes and blocking them. It could take weeks. There could be dozens of the little bastards. I am so pissed off. However, as my American cousins once reminded me, at least we don’t have skunks nesting in the basement. Or killer bees in the chimney.

  • a

    Goodness! Moths and mice?!? I’m pretty sure that would just make me move.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    ay, the inevitable new job cold. sympathies. at least he’s not (i presume) teaching; with teaching it lasts for at least a full semester.

    if puking does occur, i suggest aiming at the mouse.

    • May

      No, he’s not teaching. Being sneezed and coughed on by benighted ill-bred students is MY fate. Not that I teach, as such. But, my God, a man in an expensive suit actually sneezed right onto the book he was handing to me the other day. And then just… handed it to me. Touch my wet sneeze! Touch it! TOUCH IT!

  • A

    lol May! You make any situation sound hilarious! (sorry. But you know that, right?)

    I had this mouse problem once. Thankfully only the one. But I had never before felt the way I felt when I lay in bed knowing/hearing/seeing something uninvited scampering around my bedroom! It was horrible! (And I could hold a pet mouse quite easily.) This little shit-bag evaded capture and I too had visitors due and was horrified at the thought of them seeing Mr Mouse. Then, someone recommend Cadbury’s chocolate and told me “no self-respecting mouse could resist!” That night, sure enough, he was in the humane trap! He didn’t like it much and had hit the sides about 900 times by morning! I released him in the dense undergrowth behind a local Tesco Express LOL.

    I hope this helps. Good luck.

  • Betty M

    Mice, moths – you are having no luck at the moment. Did you avoid the spider and wasp plagues of the summer at least? Our last mice were brazen. Strolling across the kitchen like they were in charge. We blocked the fireplaces and they have now moved next door which is ok as I’m not keen on next door.

  • Anonymous

    Can the landlord not help with any of this? (I presume you’re renting–of course, that may be wrong)

    • May

      Technically, the landlord could do something, but given that we’re still waiting for someone, anyone, to repair the broken tile-work that got damaged by the engineer when the boiler needed servicing FOUR YEARS AGO, by the time he did do something, the mice’d’ve had a chance to evolve opposable thumbs, a written language, and a complex heirarchical society leading to a Golden Age of great public art made from the bones of humans who had the temerity to set traps in aeons past.

  • kylie

    Oh dear, good luck with the pest extermination. The frustrating thing is that there is a reasonably cheap “natural” rememdy (pennyroyal), but it works by causing spontaneous abortion so NOT ok if you want a child anytime soon. Our bottle is now carefully stored in a plastic baggie somewhere my husband thinks I won’t go (the laundry !)
    Peanut butter apparently works well as an attractant for mice in traps, but we had the best luck with poisons (fortunately the mouse/rat decided to leave the building before dying). They also love the warmth of an electric cable, so you could build them a warm cozy place of death

    • Valery Valentina

      “warm cozy place of death” sounds nice. A bit like a toaster.
      *wondering how the smell of toasted mice compares to rotting….*
      I think the last time we had four legged kitchen companions we used the kind of poison that makes the corpses dry out and therefore not smell…brand name Roxa.sect, uses Difethialon. They also make moth traps that i have no experience with. Moth poison, moth feromones, moth balls. Email me if you need me to send you some boxes.

  • Phil

    Ah the scratching squeeking shitting little blighters. We’ve currently got one it seems somewhere in the ceiling void of the kitchen.

    Chocolate or peanut butter work well as bait and there are some traps that are better than others. I’ll have a rummage around on t’interwebs to see if I can find ones like the stuff we’ve had working in the past.

  • Anonymous

    I must be a bad person. I laughed. I am sorry for the mouse family.


    • May

      I feel sorry for the mouse family too. I am a pretzel of guilt. I’d quite happily keep them as pets if they didn’t shit everywhere. Mice are really quite pretty, apart from the typhoid, salmonella, Hanta virus, Lyme disease, leptospirosis, tape-worm and carpet chewing. *Goes off to check mouse-traps*

  • Melissia

    My dad’s house currently has roof rats. A lovely rodent variety that likes to live overhead in the attic and trees and comes down at night to eat fruits and berries. I have no problem poisoning them as my dad’s house is empty for the summer and they are large and rats with hairless tails!

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