Fate does not want me to have any fun at all ever

Item – OMG shut up, uterus. I’ve given you more painkillers. You behaved quite well for 24 hours, and now this afternoon you have to kick off again? Please be reasonable. Please.

Item – H has gone to a party. I was supposed to go too, but I felt so tired and achy this morning, I bowed out. And now I am crampy as all-Gehenna, so this was clearly a wise decision. Justification is vaguely satisfying, but I think I’d rather be sat at home feeling fine and going ‘huh!’ to myself while I crack open the ice-cream in front of Miss Marple.

Item – The Universe has a strange sense of humour. You remember back in May we had a moth problem, and the little fuckers ate a hole in the carpet (also, infested my knitting yarn and ruined the trousers of H’s best suit)? We hoovered and scrubbed and covered the house in moth-traps and put cedar and lavendar in everything else and half my yarn ended up in the freezer (a few weeks’ freezing should kill moth eggs). Well, tomorrow, H and I are going to stay with my convalescent mama for a few days, and then we visit his family, and then we have a few days just for us, holidaying, before his new job starts. Would this be a good time for The Return of the Moth? Well? Exactly. I am so annoyed. Also crampy.

Item – And then, we found the distinct and tell-tale leavings of a mouse on the draining-board this morning (on the draining-board. Where we put clean dishes. *Retch*). We are Officially Infested With Vermin. I want to burn the flat down and run away.

Item – I really didn’t want it to be a good idea for me to stay home while H partied because one of us needed to scrub the flat top to bottom before we left for a week.

Item – Bugger.


16 responses to “Fate does not want me to have any fun at all ever

  • Betty M

    Damn moths. They are like headlice – the moment you think you are safe they turn up gain. It’ll be cockroaches, moths and nits alive when the rest of the world ends. Bugger indeed.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    maybe you could train the mice an moths to eat each other? May’s Top Vermin contest– could be like alligators and python in the everglades….

  • Womb For Improvement

    I think it is time for you to get a cat.

  • a

    I second the fire idea. Ugh. I really really hate mice. Moths are not my favorite either. Of course, my climate is actually a little too warm for wool, but I think the little bastards like cashmere too.

    • May

      I can tell you from dreary experience, they also like silk, leather, feathers, and any cotton tee-shirts that have been left at the bottom of the laundry basket with food-stains on and I swear by Grabthar’s Hammer that last one WAS NOT ME.

      • bionicbrooklynite

        also, weirdly, those cheap reusable bags that are made from recycled soda bottles. (is that even right? the ones that look sort of woven but are actually just sort of smooshed that way.) and — not that you should let this stop you from expanding the household — also cat hair in floor crevices and the like.

        they are the most pernicious creatures this side of bedbugs.

  • Quiet Dreams

    I’m thirding the cat idea.

  • Solnushka

    Forthing. You landlord can’t possibly complain if you’ve got mice!

    But first, if you want a giggle, invite B round. He stands on chairs and screams like a girl for mice.

  • twangy

    Cat, cat, CAT. Deal with landlord: We have actual VERMIN, TWO SORTS, KINDLY REMOVE NO PETS CLAUSE, FORTHWITH.
    What IS the natural enemy of the moth, if not? Bats? Nylon? Hrmm. Might not be super-practical to have nylon bats shrieking around.

    P-kit likes to spider-hunt. She is not completely useless! Pity I can’t teleport her over. She’d have some fun with you.

    Be well, May. And good wishes to your mother.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Small voice raised here not in favour of cat, on the basis that I am allergic to them, and although my visits to the Railway Carriage are few and far between, sadly, we all know that everything has to be about me, nevertheless, so that’s sorted. No cat. Whaddaya mean, you don’t like mouse shit? Into each life, etc.

    GOD, May. Mouse shit, on top of everything else? Extermination by anyanyany means necessary. Stay awake with a gurt big axe? Construct something elaborate with a washing basket, a spring, the heaviest book you own, and a hair trigger? Offer a bounty on mouse tails/noses and ask the local kids to earn pocket money while you’re gone? (This option only a go-er if you are tired of your current TV and white goods.)

    Your few days ‘just for us’ sounds divine. Enjoy.

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