Must just whine

Aaaand here’s my period, as expected. Alas, the delightful 14-day luteal phase of the last cycle appears to have been a fluke, as this one was only 12 days. Ah well.

Seven cycles since my last (chemical, minutes-long, gah) miscarriage. I am ovulating every damn month, earlier and earlier, I pretty much have ‘normal’ cycles these days, and H and I are having so much well-timed sex, and I’m not getting pregnant. Why? My age? Fried eggs? (a year ago my AMH levels were fabulous, six months ago my FSH was normal. They can’t be that friend, can they?). Tired sperm? (nine months ago, H’s SA was nicely normal. Again). Fallopian tube blocked by fibroid? Blocked by endometriosis? Ovary pulled out of range by scar tissue?

I keep reminding myself, I’m having a laparoscopy and dye in November and then we’ll know. However, I’m vapouring, because if it is the fibroids, they won’t be able to do anything about it there and then, and there’ll be months of hanging about waiting to see if I should or even can have a myomectomy. Or, there won’t be anything in particular blocking anything and it’ll be filed under ‘unexplained’ and I will run screaming through the streets, tearing my hair and clothing from me.

Meanwhile, I am in pain and nauseous, and though the drugs are helping a lot (to wit, I am writing this and not lying on the bathroom floor with my head on the toilet-seat), it has still been a rough day, and tomorrow is traditionally rougher. Heigh ho.

*Orchestra of three hundred teeny tiny violins playing the Symphony Pathétique*


10 responses to “Must just whine

  • a


    Hope these worst days pass quickly…

    I don’t even know what to hope for your lap & dye. Something fixable? Nothing at all? Leprechauns?

  • Betty M

    It’s not whining. It’s understandable frustration. Arrgh. Hoping November brings an easily solvable obvious issue and not any unexplainable/intractable ones.

    And many congrats to H on his new job which hopefully comes with glossy benefits to match the premises!

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Hugs – careful, tender ones – for the pain & nausea. And the Not Being Pregnant, despite splashings-about of Keen Wrigglers. It’s really, really just not on any longer.

    Hoping tomorrow bucks the trend.

  • Jem

    Bringing you a hot water bottle (does anyone use those anymore?) and a cup of tea and a kind word. How about “giggles” – that’s a kind word, isn’t it?

    • H

      May is a regular hot-water bottle sandwich at times like this. We are steadfast microwave spurners so cherry chip pouches and those modern alternatives are dead to us, alas.

  • MFA Mama

    Those are not teeny, tiny violins. The way YOU menstruate it’s a motherfucking army of cellos! Stay on top of your drugs, and here’s hoping you get good answers in November.

  • valery valentina

    It is hard, the waiting, the not knowing… Crimson army of cramps does nothing to distract.

    Tension tamer tea here for you…

  • twangy

    Not whining, not at all.

    Why, indeed. It’s the worst, not knowing. I hate this mysterious life our bodies have. At least if a person knew, she could come to terms, take action, weigh options, DO something.

    Gawd, I hate it. I do hope today is better than expected. *Narrows eyes threateningly at general possibility of pain.*

  • Laurel

    Hoping you’re feeling passable today.

    Yes, uncertainty is the worst, strongly followed by helplessness (when you know what’s wrong but there’s not a lot to be done about it). You’ve had a large helping of both recently, so it’s no wonder you’re feeling as you do (aside from the part where you’re anticipating lots of pain and misery). Hurry up, November!

    Really glad to read yesterday’s post about the good things, though–especially H’s job and your excellent review at work, and of course your mother’s outcome too.

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