Your blog-pal went on holiday and all you got was this lousy anxst

I don’t know what to say to you, Gentle Readers, honestly I don’t.

I was going to tell you all about how H and I went to stay in the mountains for the weekend and about cake and dog-borrowing and cathedrals and I was going to tell you about the pregnant landlady of the B&B who restored my faith in pregnant ladies simply because she did not go on and on and on about being pregnant, and actually found herself perfectly capable and willing to discuss pretty much anything else. I was going to mention the buzzards, and how rural one-horse-towns in the middle of nowhere are the new Hoxton (ahh, recession). Oh, and book-shops that sell cake and Annie Lennox making me cry in the car on the way down (sorry about the advert at the beginning).

I was especially going to tell you how I climbed an entire muthafeckin’ mountain, actually, yes I did, weeping with catharsis the whole way up because it’s pretty much my due-date for the December pregnancy that face-planted so brutally swiftly despite all the expensive blood-tests we threw at it. This was all about my crappy fat body that can’t do a thing right. Well, it can do something. It may be fat and slow, but it can climb a mountain. One of the tallest in Britain, it was. Oh, OK, so you don’t need ropes and crampons, just good boots and a slightly bloody-minded attitude, but still. I climbed it. I stood on the very top, among all the smug people in expensive kit talking about which peak they were going to do next, and thought, yes, but I can climb this one. And then I also thought, it’s feckin’ freezing up here, so I scrambled back down.

Anyway, all this gung-ho I Am Woman Hear Me Roar With A Side Of British Whimsey has been prorogated by the fact that my period should’ve started yesterday evening or this morning. And hasn’t. I don’t even have cramps. I usually have cramps for a good 24 to 48 hours before my period starts. Nor have my temperatures dropped (they should have two days ago), though that may be because I have been hauling ass up mountains. And my breasts are not not achey, though any poor gland would feel tender if you crushed it into your ribs every seven minutes, so I am ignoring them for the moment, and I would suggest you do the same.

I peed on a stick this evening, when we’d got back from Outer Britannia. It was a Boots own. It said ‘negative’. I googled the living crap out of it anyway, and found that a) the blue-dye, ‘+/-‘ tests are the least reliable kind, and b) the Boots one allegedly has a sensitivity of 50mIU. Oh, for the sake of fuck. Look, it says on the box you can test up to four days early. For that I expect at least a sensitivity of 25mIU. 50mIU is, like, a day after your period is late, isn’t it? Four days early, indeed. What are they testing for four days early at that sensitivity? Triplets?

So then H and I both lost our everlovin’ minds and H put his trousers back on (no, not that. Just, after driving all day, a chap wants to liberate his waist-area) and went out into the night to find a late-opening Tescos and buy some of their tests, based mostly on the fact that HFF swears by them.

So now we have three tests, the left-over pointless Boots one, and two Tesco ones, awaiting Madame’s morning micturations.

What are the odds I’ll be bleeding by dawn? Quite high, eh?

Madame has a headache.

PS – I have started taking the 150mg of aspirin as recommended by The Professor. JUST IN CASE.

PPS – I have no fingernails left at all. I want a large glass of whiskey.

PPPS – All this limbo and uncertainty can eat my shorts. Again.


24 responses to “Your blog-pal went on holiday and all you got was this lousy anxst

  • MFA Mama

    ARGH! GAH! I’ll be waiting on tenterhooks…

  • Solnushka

    Well, the holiday sounds like a good ‘un and I’m sorry you are being subjected to so much stress as soon as you get back (although, obviously not if…).

    Fingers crossed. Hugs to you both and go Tesco.

  • wombattwo

    Hugs. Massive hugs. And hand-holding.

  • Korechronicles

    Maybe my Friday warning to Reality to keep a safe and respectful distance had some effect? Just so I can join you in limbo and uncertainty.

    Awaiting further developments. And slightly shredded nerves.

  • Korechronicles

    And Yay, Yay, Yay for the mountain climbing! That feeling of achievement when you complete a difficult physical challenge is totally worth the heaving for breath, screaming thigh muscles and freezing weather conditions.

  • Jem

    Oh, climber of mountains, pee-er on sticks, I salute you! I hope the headache ISN’T a PMS headache, but just from the drive and that you are in fact preggers.

  • QoB

    WELL.mountains, eh. I love a good mountain.

  • a

    I am officially too old to climb even slight hills, as I now become breathless – I mean, I can take the rolling countryside in my subdivision, but ask me to walk uphill for longer than one city block, and I can feel my age with every heaving inhalation. Or, my lifelong love affair with fatty foods is now bearing the fruit called clogged arteries. Whatever. Did that distract you?

  • minichessemouse

    Oh may *crosses all available appendages* i so hope for you that this time, this time it will happen. Keep us posted!

  • Carrie (lurker)

    Everything is crossed. I’m sending you all my best thoughts. And Boots pregnancy tests? Can bite my ass.

  • kylie

    Fingers metaphorically crossed.

    As the oversharing doctor kindly pointed out to me last week- it is perfectly possible to have many negative wee tests and still be pregnant. Even when they are the expensive, really accurate ones. She was wrong about me(which I knew, but couldn’t prevent another blood test) but here’s hoping this is correct in your case.

  • manapan

    *gulp* I’m hoping for the best possible outcome. (((hugs)))

  • Carole

    Oh wow. You know, I was expecting this post. My thumbs, they were pricking. Digits that are not pricking are crossed. Go Tesco pee-sticks, don’t let yourselves down!

  • valery valentina

    Will remember to ignore your ribs, and any pressing thereinto. Yay for British Mountains, I bet they are higher than Dutch ones 🙂 ? It is safe to assume you had a good weekend, that surprisingly was not ruined? Except that now you are distracted….?
    The other day I did make that lasagna while thinking of you. Forgot that we didn’t have any meat so it turned veggie. And lovely still. Even managed not to screw the bechamel sauce, but I would like to know if you have a secret for yours.

  • twangy

    Due dates. So sorry, May. Like looking through a perspex wall at the other possible life, mocking me. That version of me better be grateful, is what I think. And how it makes it hard to inhabit this life.

    My dear, in the present, mind yourself, and know I am thinking about you. (Tesco ones are good, I believe.)

  • Emily Erin

    Waiting along with you and in awe of your mountain climbing prowress. Glad that in this moment you are not beset by soul crushing pain, and hoping that the trend continues much longer.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    The 50s are a waste of blasted time; you’ve generally got a bump by the time they score a positive. *uncouples exaggeration device* I do indeed swear by the T*sco Own Brand, but you may need to cook them for a good 30 minutes or more. If there’s HCG there: it’ll show it eventually, though. And you have reminded me I need moar innernet cheapies.

    Oh, MAY. Just… everything. What about INHALING whiskey, hmmm?

    Book shops that sell cake? We need to start looking for premises…

  • Illanare

    All available digits crossed…

  • Chickenpig

    I’m so nervously excited!!! What happened?????

  • Jane G

    Update please! Oh and well done on the mountain climbing.

  • Shannon

    When can you test using the Tecko ones? Soon? Not soon? Waiting for morning wee, or when is the all clear? I am holding my breath (said in a not sarcastic way) and hoping that only good things happen (see? Also not sarcastic.)

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