That which does not kill us makes us miserable

Item – No, I did not have a good weekend. I was menstruating, you see. I am very bad at it. I spent Saturday throwing up (but, bizarrely, not in much pain), and Sunday in horrendous pain (but, bizarrely, not throwing up), and today I am still in pain and feeling like I’ve been used to scrub out the oven and rinsed in the last of the washing-up water. And funnily enough, that’s exactly how I look, too. Only greyer.

Item – Dear Uterus, WTF? I was drugged to the eyeballs. I took all the drugs I’m prescribed, and I took them on schedule, and I didn’t miss any doses, and I didn’t throw any doses up, so, seriously, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT? Love, May.

Item – I have missed so much work. When I do go back, I shall be crushed flat under the weight of my in-tray. Ugh.

Item – Today, H, who has been feeling a bit under-the-weather for weeks, woke up with a raging sore throat and tonsils like strawberries. So he’s home too (except I think he’s doing something productive to his CV in the study, and I am of course doing buggerall). Poor H. I think this is actually raging stress-monsters from trying to find a new job as his old one crashes into the abyss all around him. Gah. Arse. There’s nothing I can do to make this less stressful on him. In fact, here I am making it all more stressful by collapsing like a house of cards in a stiff breeze, and making him worry by refusing to eat or drink for 24 hours, milk-white in the face and silent.

Item – It actually scares me when I see how white I am in the mirror. Those of you who have met me in the rubicund flesh will know that my natural state is ‘rosy’, or even ‘fuchsia’. Seeing a kind of paper cut-out of myself, with great black rings under the eyes, makes it very hard to go back to Denial. My periods are making me very ill. It sucks. I can’t keep doing this.

Item – I keep saying that, that I can’t keep doing this. And yet, every month, caught up in the hopeful excitement of yet another timely ovulation, I think, I must keep doing this. I must. It might work this time. Next time. It might.

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10 responses to “That which does not kill us makes us miserable

  • a

    First, if H is going to be without a place in the company, he should be highly encouraged to take as many sick days as he can fit in before they give him the boot. Especially if they are any form of PAID sick days.

    Second – I’m sorry it’s been another miserable weekend. I will merely hope that this was a peak performance, and there will be no repeats.

  • Wombattwo

    It’s difficult isn’t it, it’s such a rollercoaster of hope, disappointment, devastation and pain. and it keeps on going, over and over again. Only you can make the decision that enough is enough, and when that is is different for everyone.
    Lots of hugs x

  • Womb For Improvement

    I can only send you sympathy. Every month. Every bloody month. You deserve to get pregnant if only to get a nine month (and I mean all 9) break.

  • Betty M

    Hmm pretty sure this wasn’t in the reader yesterday. So maybe it is as you thought a tad borked.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    apologize for assvice, feel free to spit at me, but may, dear, you are taking an iron supp, yes? i hate them, but anemia is the worst. (seriously. recovering from birth sucked, but the anemia was FAR AND AWAY the worst part. i don’t know why people act like it’s no big deal.)

    wish i could bring you a pot roast or something. maybe a nice meaty red sauce for that vermicelli.

  • Anonymous

    Dearest May,

    It probably helps very little against the onslaught of menses, but I am hoping for you every month, too.

    G

  • Anonymous

    The internet ate my comment….let me see if this one works…

  • missionimpossibleinfertile.wordpress.com

    Dearest May,

    It probably helps little against the onslaught of menses, but I hope for you each month, too.

    G

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