I AM calm. I’m crying VERY calmly, thank you.

Item – So, low temperature again, cramps, traces of pink spotting, nausea, back ache, general desire stab someone. Anyone will do. This cycle is very nearly officially over, and totally officially ‘unproductive’.

Item – And that’s the end of the fifth cycle since I was last pregnant. I’m beginning to get concerned. To whit, H’s sperm count and motility is normal, I’m very gradually ovulating earlier and earlier each month, from day 25, to 21, to 19, to now 17 (ie each ovulation SHOULD be healthier and less genetically fried. Allegedly. So I’m told), we’re having a great deal of perfectly timed sex every cycle (I bet you all wanted to know that. Hey, it was good, fun sex, too. Please feel free to hate me. You’re welcome). So, you know, it could just be chance, bad luck, me being 36, etc., or something has gone hideously wrong. We shall see.

Item – In particular we shall see because H and I are going back for a ‘six month check-up’ with Miss Consultant of the NHS in a couple of weeks. And I shall a) ask for the precise and exact results of my last CD3 (well, 4, in the event) oestrogen/FSH/prolactin test (though I am not too terrified. I am ovulating with (for me) peculiar regularity this year). And I shall point out that during my periods, the right side of my lower abdomen develops an extraordinarily tender hard swollenness, which can take a week to disperse, and every single one of my Spidey Senses is screaming ENDOMETRIOSIS! ENDOMETRIAL CYSTS ON SATSUMA! PAY ATTENTION! PAY ATTENTION! I think I am going to have to demand another HSG and laparoscopy. I fucking hate the idea of demanding surgery again. But not as much as I fucking hate the idea of Satsuma being mummified in scar-tissue and blood-clots, or the One And Only Tube getting itself glued shut with the same. So.

Item – If Miss Consultant dismisses my concerns or tries to blame my weight again, so help me I will do violence to her office.

Item – I am so weepy and distressed I am actively short-listing counsellors (criteria – do you specialise in infertility and miscarriage? Can you spell? Does your website make me feel intrigued or pathetic and vaguely grimy?). I shall have to get back to you guys on this one.

Item – And yes, I am still weepy and distressed. Sorry. It’s just all got a bit too much even for me and my British Stiff-Upper-Lip (or in my case, fuzzy upper lip. Damn PCOS to hell anyway). I would very much like to get over myself and cheer the fuck up already, but I’m not responding very well to my usual method of alternatively cajoling myself with tea and ice-cream and shouting at myself for being pathetic and hysterical (I don’t think this works for toddlers either. I really need to work on my motivational behaviours. Hence counselling).

Item – So, today, I crept over to the chemist to get my prescription for volterol (diclofenac) per exit, and thence to the corner shop for milk and Phish Food, and then took Wombat’s splendid advice and spent the day curled up in an arm-chair, watching Fellowship of the Ring, extended version, plus all the extras and ‘making of’ documentaries I could take. And as I type, H is ordering takeaway. I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat much of it (stomach has noticed sudden rise in prostaglandins, is objecting), but I value the principle of the thing.

ETA: Item – And I want a kitten. Everyone else gets an Obligatory Miscarriage Puppy or Kitten. I don’t see why I shouldn’t have one. Apart from the tedious technicality that our rental agreement bans pets. Fuck it. *Becomes irrational. Cries.*

(Term Obligatory Miscarriage Dog courtesy of Uterine Wars. I thank you).

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35 responses to “I AM calm. I’m crying VERY calmly, thank you.

  • BigP's Heather

    I would like to offer several members of my own family and a few in laws for your stabbing.

    I agree, demand they look into it and don’t risk your ovary.

    I made BigP PROMISE me that if we never got pregnant I could get a baby otter…you deserve a kitten.

  • minichessemouse

    *is posting Cyber hugs in the direction of May adds a Hello Kitty plush to the parcel for good measure*

    much sympathy, and tea, there should always be tea!

  • Anonymous

    Ah, I’m sorry, May. Maybe, as rotten as it feels, you need this weepy stage. You’ve had a lot going on and there is a point at which Stiff Upper Lipping It is not helpful for the soul any more. Maybe this is all gushy-American of me, but I think there is a point at which we have to succumb to grief and awfulness, and a point at which you can’t *do* anything; sometimes you just have to be static and take that duvet day …or week … or month.

    There is a point to it all, a very important point or you wouldn’t be suffering like this, but right now is not the time to think about that, maybe. So go on, cry, keep crying, until you’re done with it.

    Gentle hugs from overseas.

    P.S. A baby otter! I bet they forgot to rule that out of the lease. Although I suspect that, like penguins, their excretory habits are not as adorable as the rest of the animal.

    • Laurel

      That was from me, but I screwed up somehow.

    • May

      I think you’re right. No one can be brave and dogged ALL the time. And I so hope you’re right about there being a point to all this, and that I get to find out what the point is. Gentle hugs to you too.

  • Chickenpig

    I didn’t get a miscarriage kitten. Damn it! You should get two.

    Would it be terribly bad of me to say that your post made me laugh hysterically? It did. I’m sorry for everything that you’re going through.

    • May

      I am seriously thinking of getting SEVEN, and turning into Mad Cat Lady right here and now.

      I’m glad I amused you. I feel I should curtsey. Pinkly pleased now. Thank you for the kind sympathy.

  • a

    You should get a kitten. Get a semi-feral one, who will do its business outside, and will hide most thoroughly should the landlord ever come a-visiting, but will sit only in your lap otherwise.

    Why don’t you take a break from cheering yourself up/yelling at yourself, and wallow for a bit? Send H off for the weekend, if you don’t want to subject him to your bad mood. Although, he is useful for the tea-bringing and take-out ordering and such. Sulk. Pout. Moan and complain. It gets a bit boring after a while, and you might find it easier to cheer yourself up then.

    According to the standards, the people who visit here ought to have a complete menagerie by now, with all those obligatory miscarriage kittens and puppies. I like BigP’s Heather’s otter idea, though…

    • May

      I saw a cartoon once, showing a woman fishing a cat in an aqualung out of the toilet cistern and saying ‘It’s OK, Fluffy, the landlord’s gone now.’

      H has been very good at making tea and rinsing out my bucket after I’ve been sick in it. I’ve bitched and whined at him not-stop anyway, and he sympathises very sweetly. I shall market him. I could make a fortune.

      I actually want an owl. Just a small one.

  • Bee Cee

    Life is shit sometimes, I feel for you. P.S We are getting a puppy.

  • Valery

    My counsellor BambiEyes tried to tell me yesterday that I could try to stop fighting what I feel. That I don’t need her or your permission or validation for being sad or angry or disappointed.
    But I have hard time letting go of rational educated taking care of everybody else strong brave me….. Curling up now under duvet, thinking of you, wishing I could share BambiEyes with the world, so wise, so young, so caring and gentle and smart.
    (DP and I just pet cats on the streets)

    • May

      It just feels so scary to let go and be really really sad, complete with 12-hour weepathon. In case I never get un-sad again, and have to spend the rest of my life under the duvet. *sigh*

      BambiEyes does sound so lovely.

  • Lilian

    *Hugs*. I think the advice about taking as much time as you need to just cry is good – you need to let it all out at some point (this coming from a fellow English woman). I think the counselling plan is good, too.

    If I had a kitten I would take it round to your place. There are ways of having pets without anyone noticing….Also, a baby otter might work – I knew someone who had a pet duck and they dealt with its toilet habits somehow. I also once saw someone taking a rabbit for a walk on a lead. That was quite unusual.

    L x

    • May

      I rather worry that if I cry as much as I want to, I will dehydrate completely, like a time-lapse raisin.

      I am working on H re: kitten, in the hope that he then works on the landlord.

  • Wombattwo

    *MASSIVE hug*
    And if Miss Consultant dismisses your concerns, I shall assist with the violence. Now where did I put that hammer…?
    I may also be doing the equivalent of teaching old ladies to suck eggs, and if so I apologise muchly, but try here:

    http://www.bica.net/

    • May

      BICA is very useful. At least then you can be fairly sure your counsellor won’t tell you to relax.

      I have a spare hammer (and a wrench) under the sink. We’re equipped!

      Hugs to you too.

    • Hairy Farmer Family

      My counsellor is something clever in BICA, I forget what. She rocks. And she is taking on new patients. I know she’s a lil’ way away from you, but, hey! There’s FREE OVERNIGHT ACCOMMODATION with me included!

      • Wombattwo

        And if you did fancy free overnight accommodation (no doubt with yummy cake) at HFF’s, I don’t live too far away and could pop down and provide Lord of the Rings viewing companionship. Or whatever…
        Re: the whole crying and not being able to stop thing, I get the feeling that perhaps you might need to cry as much as you want to. You might cry for hours, but you will stop, eventually you’ll be exhausted, and probably have a headache, and be dehydrated, and probably sleep for a while, but you will stop. And then probably feel better for it. But do it when there’s someone there, to hold your hand, and to bring you tea to stop you being too dehydrated and to give you hugs. I know it’s scary, but sometimes we need to lose control, in order to get it back again.
        (And I’m sure that both HFF and I are willing to be that person, as is H).
        Lots of hugs x

  • Betty M

    Oh damn and blast. So sorry. Probably is a good idea to get the consultant to have another look around at this point not that the procedure is much fun. AND Where are the Japanese rent a pet for the weekend companies when you need em eh?

  • twangy

    Hugs, first of all. Many.

    They could see how Satsuma is with one of those internal wand ultrasounds, couldn’t they?
    My Monstacysts came up loud and clear on it, anyway. I have great faith in your spidey senses, so yes. This needs to be followed up.

    I will be ENRAGED if that Miss C is in any way dismissive. I will actually light up with rage, you’ll be able to see me from space. Just try it, Miss C.

    • May

      Hugs, to you too, many also.

      Cysts would show up on the Indecent Wand, but a patch of endometriosis, or damage to the fallopian tube, wouldn’t. Which is a bore, isn’t it?

      I shall have to tell Miss Consultant that I have a TEAM, you know, that will incandesce and/or attack if she doesn’t treat me like a cross between a Ming vase, her boss, and the person whose cure is the sole reason for her existance.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Too tired to comment properly. Will be back tomorrow. Jus’ wanted to, you know, pat your arm.

  • manapan

    I was thinking that maybe if Miss Consultant refuses to take you seriously, you could take my vicious, bloodthirsty Miscarriage Rabbit and unleash the fury in her office. But then I thought about (1) the legalities of shipping a rabbit overseas, and (2) the horrible mauling you’d undoubtedly receive when you opened the box. It really wouldn’t be worth it all. 🙂

  • Korechronicles

    I’ve never worried about crying jags since I learnt that tears are one way excess cortisol is excreted from the body. And excess cortisol, as a fully paid up member of the steroid family, is a contributor to weight gain. So, crying can help you lose weight. Win-win!!! (Please, no comments on my brilliant reasoning ability. I like living in a well-serviced suburb of Denial)

    Can’t help on the Miscarriage Pet front, I’m afraid. Villa Kore is the equivalent of the Grim Reaper for wee animals. Not deliberately, mind you, we just fail to keep them breathing long term. Although we DO have millions of wild possums that we cannot legally evict and would make Manapan’s rabbit look like a rank amateur in the Fury Stakes.

    Sending love and my application for inclusion on the Consultant Smack-About team.

    • May

      We got through an appalling number of cats growing up (oh shame, oh sorrow). I long to raise one NOT on a Godforsaken farm in the middle of nowhere. I think they might do reasonably well with indoor heating, no rats as big as they are, and a vet to hand. It was all a bit… Starkadder.

      Possums LOOK cute. Like koalas and stoats. It’s always the way, isn’t it? Cute furry wild creature is far more liekly to remove all the skin from your hand than the ugly slimy, patient, goodnatured wild toad.

      I am babbling. I’m on drugs. No, really!

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