Item – Do you know what really annoys me? I’ll tell you what really annoys me. I find it really annoying when people post coy little updates on FuckBonk that set my Pregnancy Radar™ beeping like a dozen reversing trucks. Coy little updates about half of their friends understand, resulting in loooong complicated threads in which the In-The-Know circle are having a Who’s Coyest competition and everyone else is shouting ‘What is going on? What? WHAT?’ I’ve been lucky so far, in that most of my pregnant acquaintance have either let me know they were, actually, pregnant, before mentioning it on FB, or have had no interest whatsoever in being coy and cranking the ‘Everybody Pay Attention To ME‘ handle to eleven. And, to be honest, I haven’t had that many pregnant acquaintance. And I am also grateful that this particular distant relation is pleased and happy and thankful that all is well so far. I think if I had to put up with coy, Pregnancy Radar enbeeping crap that was whiney, I’d lose what little of my shit I still have. But still.

Item – I also find it deeply annoying that I am still so bitter, miserable and petulant that it hurts me to read of other people skipping perkily back from the ultrasound with good news. The only good news an ultrasound ever gave me was ‘well, it’s not ectopic…’. I want to be delighted. Well, I am delighted. But the delight is thickly carbuncled over with sharp, ugly, poisonous shards of memory. Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it.

Item – While I’m on the subject of other people’s reproductive successes, I have no objection to a person posting FuckBook updates about potty-training, nappy-filling, puke-in-hair, pee-all-over-daddy etc. (I am not STFU Parents (though, I do so love STFU Parents)), as long, and this is very important, said updates are amusing. If person is not amusing, person, actually, after all, should STFU. Even the non-infertile crowd are not interested in baby shit per se. An they were, they’d be the most revolting perverts in perv land. Seriously. Anyone except you (and, oh, OK, close family) who gives any kind of a monkeys about your child’s nappy-contents, should be dragged out and shot for their own good. So make it funny.

Item – Anything else? Oh, yes, my period is due on a weekend, again. The Positive Thinking Fairy thinks this is excellent, because then I won’t miss too much work this month! Yay! Bitter McTwisted and I are planning on catching her later and flushing her head down the loo.


29 responses to “Irked

  • Amy P

    For once, I think I’m on Bitter McTwisted’s side *rolls eyes*

    *hugs* for the rest.

    (Er, am I amusing with my kid-statuses? Stati?)

    • May

      You’re fine, sweetheart. No endless nappy-filling for a start. You mention the kids when they do something worth mentioning, after all, being a woman of intelligence and restraint.

  • a

    I never post a kid status update. I don’t believe I posted a pregnancy announcement either. May I escape the wrath of May?

  • bionicbrooklynite

    coyness in general is the plague of FB; in the pregnancy context, it is many miles beyond insufferable. hide-worthy. makes me think of a friend — a fine southern dame, “grandaddy was in public life” sort — telling the story of being on a terrible date and running into a stiff-jawed old friend who, upon hearing the details, did not unclench her jaw as she reared back her head like an old turtle and tucked down the corners of her mouth to say, “Next!”

    i try very hard to be funny if i post kid things. this leads to earnest private messages about whether i really think it’s okay to use methamphetamines while nursing???

    • May

      Bwahahahahah ohhh, brilliant, both the turtle-lady and the meth. Splendid.

      I would totally be posting things like ‘have abandoned baby in pram at bottom of garden for the next four hours. Pass me the pina colada and the complete works of Dorothy Parker.’

  • Quiet Dreams

    Yes, the, what did you call it? FuckBonk coyness drives me bananas also, though I haven’t run into any pregnancy coyness. Just a bunch of children singing, “I know something you don’t know!” except they’re adults and our playground is the internet.

  • HairyFarmerWifey

    It’s the one-word Needy status updates that really needle me. ‘Angry!’ ‘Upset!’ ‘Crying!’
    They’ll wait a long time before I enquire why. I DO understand the rationale: they’re bubbling over with some raging emotion that it would be impolitic to share the details of, but if *I* can stop myself doing it, then so should they!

    And posting ‘has everything crossed!’ when you’ve been broadcasting at great volume and distance that you are totally unable to conceive again after trying for a whole 11 months (and have pestered your GP mercilessly ,who, unsurprisingly, swiftly discovered A] your sub-25yr age and B] that you conceived your first child without any trouble at all, and told you to go away and have sex for another year. The fact that you have a Complex over breastfeeding and are completely revolted by it does not endear you to me much, either. Telling, as you do, repeatedly, the story of the nursing baby who kept you and your (Unmannerly and detestable. At least when MY son screams defiance at me, he shouts ‘No THANKyou, Mummy!’!) son awake in the post-natal ward because he couldn’t latch on illustrates your coarseness nicely, especially when you yell ‘Jus’ give ‘im a fuckin’ bottle!’ You are the only person I know who swears more than I do, simply because you know no other adjectives. I *am* a pottymouth, but because I choose to be, not because I have to be. Why did you have to be in MY post-natal group? Why?!) does not exactly constitute Disguise, and you should not be surprised, when you proudly announce the fact, when I say that I already knew.

    Wow. Ranty.

    • bionicbrooklynite

      ooo, i likes it when you’re ranty, i do.

      the needy one-worders are the worst. i will not give in and am continually shocked by the parades of people who do. possibly i’m just not a very nice person.

      • May

        I make it a point of principle to NEVER reply to any kind of one-word drama-llama update. As I said to a work colleague who does much the same thing only out loud in the office ‘I’m sorry. I assumed that if you wanted me to know all about [redacted], you’d’ve told me the details.’

    • wombattwo

      Er, can I make you a cup of tea?

    • May

      Rant away, my dear. Am chortling away with my hand clamped over my mouth in classic ‘she said WHAT?’ pose.

      Don’t introduce me to this woman. I will disembowel her, and that kind of thing always causes such awkwardness.

  • wombattwo

    Things that bug me about FuckBonk (nice term, by the way!):
    1) Ultrasound pictures as profile pictures. What is this need to display grainy images of your pelvic organs? Nobody cares. Seriously.
    2) Stupid comments like (and I quote) “A bed to make a baby in!”, and “I’m going to be a mummy!” Though not to a baby, to a dog, but said so that people will automatically question: “ooh, are you pregnant?” Incidentally, they were by the same person.
    3) Baby updates like “My baby’s first word was boob!” when said baby is 4 months old, and is clearly not talking yet, nor can that be counted as a first word, seeing as it was random babble, and sounded nothing like it.

    Incidentally, I can attest to the fact that HFF’s son throws perhaps the cutest strops ever. So hard not to laugh. And yes, he is remarkably polite about it!

    • HairyFarmerWifey

      SO hard not to laugh indeed! Yes, kid, it’s fine to defy authority. That’s promising. Doing it in a mannerly fashion: also promising!

      • Amy P

        Ah yes, the “Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, DON’T LAUGH, argh, too cute!” reaction to misbehavior…

        • May

          We used to fail miserably at this with Minx, everytime she had to be told to leave the cat alone or stop throwing her pasta across the table. She’d be burying her little face in the sofa, having flung herself to her knees next to it like a Dickens heroine, sobbing ‘OH-oh-oh-oh, OH-oh-oh-oh’ and we, cruel grown-ups, would be in helpless shrieking hysterics. She used to get SO cross with us.

          • Amy P

            Faith used to be just the same when reprimanded. Grace, however is a stubborn little thing, and does *not* fall apart when told “No”. Which would be why I fell asleep on the floor half of our vacation, and why Tom missed seeing the ceremony for Grandpa Hopper first hand. (I remembered the camcorder! I even remembered to take it out of the bag slung over my shoulder when the ceremony started! Totally forgot my phone was in my pocket with a perfectly serviceable camera until we went to the zoo 2 days later so I don’t have photos of any cousins that I hadn’t seen for 2 decades! Did see the one that’s a professional photographer pull our her kit later, though.)

    • May

      Every now and then I consider getting hold of the photo of my polyps from my lap and hysteroscopy, and putting that on FuckBonk. And if anyone asks, saying, ‘sorry, I thought it was mandatory to put up a picture of what grew in your uterus!’. And then I bite all my nails off and consider a mass blocking instead. That way I retain my classiness and my mystique.

  • Sugar Mama

    “FuckBonk” almost made me laugh out lout while secretly reading your post in my morning meeting. Also, people who are persistently unfunny on FuckBonk should have their toys taken away.

    • May

      Glad to have been of service.

      If only there was a ‘report for persistent unfunniness’ button, along with the ‘report for spam’ button.

  • katie

    STFU Parents is my new favouritest thing ever.

  • katie

    Ooh I forgot the “I’m so sad” and “disappointed again” and “why does everyone else have what I want” and “not our time” by the same person about once a week. How flippin short are your cycles??! And you do realise 6 months from cohabitation is not long enough to panic or moan?

    • May

      If her cycles are that short, she should be in the GP’s office rightnowthisminute – you should definitely tell her that! *and sit back, watch fur fly…. snigger*

  • g

    Dear May,

    I concur.

    Also, as an similarly experienced consumer in bad scans, yes, people who have no idea that they’re there to look for bad stuff and always get away with it regardless give me the squits.


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