Woe is me… wait what?

So here we are again. Waiting to ovulate. Isn’t it boring? My God, but it’s boring. I am so bored of this. No wonder I go sex mad. Hormones be damned, I just need to blot out the boredom.

And this cycle is being so mutinously painful. Satsuma is on fire, and has been for days. I sit about gloomily prediction, variously, endometriosis, cysts, piranhas and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (to go with the Plague of Moths, naturellement). Oh woe, oh misery.

And I had to sit through someone at work whine-snivel-bitching for hours (OK, nearly an hour) about how stress is making her so ill, and that’s why she had many many days off work, and then she turned to me and said ‘and you’d know about that sort of stress, wouldn’t you? You’ve had to take a lot of time off work too.’

Ouch.

And I gave a very tight-lipped smile and I did not say ‘Actually, I take time off work because either my insides are tearing themselves to bloody shreds or I am miscarrying and my insides are tearing themselves to bloody shreds. Stress? Ah ha ha ha. I wish. Two weeks off because I’m stressed. Bring it on.’

Damn. Lost opportunity to create world-record-breaking Cloud of Awkward right there.

Not that I approve of Pain Olympics. No, really, I don’t. Pain, especially emotional pain, is too subjective and too dependent on a bazillion variables of personality, circumstance, luck, support, yadayadayada, for anyone to be able to say ‘mine’s worstest, because I went through X and you only went through Y’.

But I do think my ‘failed’ cycles are made extra-specially ultra shitty for me because my periods are so almighty fucking painful, and because I get so many aches and pains in the week leading up to ovulation. And I think it’d be all less shitty for me if I my body wasn’t ripping itself to bits in slow motion.

I’m not in a good place right now. Oh, who am I kidding. I haven’t been in a good place since, argh, *counts on fingers*, dammit, when was I last perfectly content with the way my life was going? When I married H in 2005? That was wonderful. That was perfect. That was what I wanted.

Since then, there’s been the endless, and growing, disappointment and sadness over Lack of Baby. And the grief over the miscarriages, which is merging from individual attacks of agony into one amorphous mass of anxst and sorrow that just will not fuck off. And the worry and distress of having such royally fucked, screwed, buggered and blasted innards, which seem to be getting a tad more craptastic month by month (well. Yes. That’s adenomyosis for you).

I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

On the other hand, I’m not ready for the history of my reproductive years to simply be ‘We tried to have a child for years and years. Most of it hurt like hell. We had seven miscarriages. And, err, that’s it.’

At least, not without something else of wonderful emerging from it instead.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I thought I was having a self-pity party, but it seems to have been invaded by some kind of anoetic epiphany. I need a pencil.

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28 responses to “Woe is me… wait what?

  • minichessemouse

    *hug* It al sounds like seven flavours of suckage.

    i sympathise, and i try to empathise too, but i cannot know your pain any more that I can try to take it away and make everything better.

    many many hugs

  • A (piss boileth..)

    All the things I could say to you would be all the things you’ve heard before and probably just piss you off. Everyone pisses me off when I’m going through that ‘stuff’. But I genuinely feel your pain!

    I have been feeling the ‘I can’t take any more’ this week. I am on pregnancy #18, 8w5d and my hCG just fell to about what it was 5 days after my period was due. I know my lil one has gone. There are no other outward signs. But I know. You know.

    I couldn’t get an ultrasound until tomorrow at 2:30. My husband and son will be at a hospital 10 miles away for my son’s appointment – at 2:30! Neither could be changed and bothe are equally important.

    So I will probably be told in the most undignified manner – “oh I’m sorry ..bla bla bla no heart beat” get wiped with a piece of scratchy blue paper towel, they’ll leave just enough on to make me feel yucky when I pull up my trousers. Or even better (I say sarcastically), I will have an internal ultrasound and be told the bad news while she still has her hand parked!

    It couldn’t be as bad as the one when she smiled and said “Everything’s fine…… baby is coming away nicely.” I’m not even sure what kind of fucked up oxymoron that even is! I have never had my hopes lifted and dashed so quickly in all my life!! I had to be held up my husband. When I felt I could go into the midwife room, she said “Well you knew it was going to happen?! We knew from your hormone levels.” And I reply “Yeah .. But .. When she said everything was fine … I thought everything was ‘fine’!!”

    Anyway, I’m dreading it. I keep napping and dreaming I’m dusting off that old pram. Then I wake up. I can’t take any more. But I don’t want to stop. My husband and I are both orphaned with no extended family and all I ever wanted to do was create that big family of unconditional love for my children. But as I have said before. When I lose a baby, people are quick to tell me “Buy you have three more children!” ..Yeah you wait for my line when your grandmother dies!! Okay, I wouldn’t – but I would love to point out their insensitivity!

    So, back to tomorrow. If this lil one is alive – it will be a mackerel!! But I wish I had someone to hold my hand. I can’t even find my Jacky-O glasses for the purposes of tear-hiding!

    I just had one of many break-downs in my husbands arms. “No one has THIS many miscarriages??! I cut out tea, I took my blood meds, my aspirin and folic acid. Maybe it was because I took the kids bowling? Maybe I should have used the orange ball?! How can I take another loss!!” 😥 I know it’s just 9weeks. But it’s hope, it’s the future it’s loved and protected already. It might have been the best Christmas pressie ever!!

    But, I will no doubt put myself through this again. I know I have already been blessed. But I want to fill those seats at the Christmas table and weddings and what ever else, when the huz and I are no longer here. I suppose we each understand our own needs and ideas. I totally get yours and sometimes you just feel like you want to have a card printed for the insensitives, that says “STFU! ..If you really wanna know!!…”

    And, ironically, not even an early night to sleep and forget for me! I am sat holding my dying bunny. I hand reared him from a day old, over ten years ago. He is the last but one of a litter of 5. Why do they always start to go when the vets is shut! I will hold him until the morning and if he is still with me, I will have him euthanised. I have cried from him. I have cried for the last bunny in the giant three-story hutch/villa, alone tonight and until the end.

    So, now I’m sorry for going on. I would apologise for giving you my life-story. But it’s mostly just a story about today!

    I still hope for a ‘happy ever after’ from you and I wish people would get off your case!!

    We know pain in every sense!! Some people won’t get that. Maybe it’s them we should feel sorry for. They are emotionally stunted!

    Sending you my most sincere cyber-hugs and regards.

    • May

      I so wish you had someone to hold your hand too. What a royal arse of a day. I am so sorry this one is going too. Again. After so many.

      And yes, OK, you have kids, you don’t have the pain of No Kids, but you and your husband had such heart-wrenching reasons for wanting lots of kids, and you’re being painfully, miserably denied the family you really wanted. So everyone who says ‘but you have three kids!’ is being a giant dick, I agree. And I’m very sad that you’re being denied the large family you long for.

      (As for the nurse who said ‘everything’s fine!’ meaning ‘there are no complications with this miscarriage’, I would very much like to slap her. Quite hard. Silly bitch).

      And the darling pet rabbit too. Oh, the Universe has no sense of proportion at all. Many hugs. And cyber hand-holding.

    • wombattwo

      Goodness, you seem to have met some really STUPID sonographers…
      I’m so sorry. Where are you honey? I’ll hold your hand. x

  • AMH

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. Given that Cute Ute’s days are numbered, have you considered pushing through with IVF? Just something about your comment that you don’t want to look back and see lots of years with many miscarriages and nothing else to report, maybe there’s something about doing everything humanly possible?

    I don’t know, we got to a place where we were going to do a round of IVF and then call it quits, it was such a huge strain on our marriage and I didn’t think we could weather any more. The monotonous, seemingly endless repetition of failed cycles and early miscarriages, we just couldn’t face a future where that continued indefinitely. So we set deadlines for ourselves. “Two more cycles, then we do IUI. Four of those, then IVF, but we only have the funds and emotional resources for one round of that.” That kind of thing. So that if it all went down the drain, we could look back and at least be satisfied that we had pursued a plan and escalated it as far as we were comfortable going. And it gave us back a sense of control of the situation, somewhat.

    • May

      My expensive and world-famous professor doesn’t believe, given my set of issues, that IVF would up my chances at all, and given that my ‘get pregnant the old-fashioned way’ hit rate is currently somewhere between 30% and 40% per cycle, ie HIGHER than the success rate for IVF, it’d be counterproductive. Pay £4000 to £5000 for a lower chance of pregnancy but an equal chance of miscarriage, plus very high chance of OHSS? We will, of course, reconsider if I stop ovulating again.

      • AMH

        Actually, one reason we looked at IVF was so someone could tell if our embryos were just complete crap. We had several “bad luck” miscarriages attributed to early division errors. Eventually, we wanted to see if the embryos looked at all promising\]\

        I have PCOS, too, but there are low-dose IVF protocols to minimize risk of OHSS.

        • May

          I’m glad IVF was the right choice for you. That still doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for me. The fact it isn’t the right choice for me in no way casts judgement on the fact it was right for you.

  • a

    I’d have created the Cloud of Awkward. I do so enjoy stirring up trouble.

    My hope for you is that you don’t have to take any more…

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Remembering what anoetic means at this time in the morning has stretched me a little!

    I have sympathy in buckets. Carts. Juggernauts. I, too, am not ready to give up, on you or I. I have your shield arm!

  • Womb For Improvement

    I was trying to think what I could say to help. Then I realised there is nothing, I can say. No few words that is going to make this Ok or even a bit better. Just know i am here and hoping so much that you get a different ending.

  • manapan

    I really wish the gods of shitty luck would look away from you for a while. (((hugs)))

  • Teuchter

    I’d stand and shake my fist at the sky for an entire year if there was the remotest chance of taking your pain away – but I’ll just carry on hoping anyway.
    *hugs* to May – and to all of you who currently have the Fickle Finger of Shite pointing in your direction.

  • Solnushka

    *hugs* Many many *hugs*

  • Anonymous

    I know you trust the Professor, but it may be worth getting another opinion?

  • Carole

    I so want your story to have the happy ever after ending. I won’t stop believing that it will.

    Wishing you hope and strength.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    just love and love and love.

    wish i had something better.

  • wombattwo

    All the things I could say are things that would really annoy me if someone said them to me, so I shall just say that I really wish, and hope, that you and H can be parents.
    It’s just all so shitty. I’m sorry.

  • Korechronicles

    Missed anoetic the first time. Wasn’t paying attention. *Ducks*

    I add my voice to the chorus that is singing without words. And telling the Fickle Finger of Shite to piss off and leave you all alone, several times a day.

    xx and hugs to you both.

  • Lilian

    Sending my love to you (all) and wishing there was something I could do to make it all work out right. At the moment it is just so, so WRONG.

    Love, L x

  • Betty M

    Just found this. F’ing iPad reader of crap. Post reader that is. I hate that things are so crap for you and H. I want it not to be so. I also want idiots to leave you alone. When I get my super power it will be the ability to predict the asshole comment 5 secs before it emerges giving me time to slap my hand over the idiot’s mouth.

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