Best quality assorted misshapes

Item – Yes, OK, I have a morning off work next week. I’ll take my oesophagus to the GP then. I promise. You’ve all made me even more nervous than Google did. And I mean, hell, why not have things shoved down my gullet? I’ve had pretty much everything shoved up the other end. Equality for orifices!

Item – As for the two-week-wait symptom-watch, I have nothing to add. As you were, soldiers.

Item – Oh, yes, some of you mentioned omeprazole, for hideous heart-burn. I was on that, when I did have hideous heart-burn back in 2007. Worked wonderfully, right up until my GP told me I could stop taking it. And the heart-burn came back within HOURS. In the end, what worked was tweaking my diet (less coffee (*sob*), no skipping meals as getting hungry made it so much worse, fewer curries, giving up white wine, sherry and most types of beer), losing weight (augh. But yes). I now only get heart-burn, mild, a bit sicky, during the two-week-wait, and also when I am stressed out of my mind, eating crap and drinking too much coffee (these two do not coincide. Well, the stressy bit does, but I’m eating broccoli! I’m drinking de-caff!). It’s easily squishable with over-the-counter antacids. Anyway, I had such hideous heartburn, for so long, I’m sure it did damage, but this only became a problem recently, because over the past year or so, I’ve been throwing up hard at least once a month. You know who else gets oesphageal strictures and scar-tissue? Bulimics. Hahahahahahah.

Item – And then, Super-stressy Secret Squirrelling being over, I went back to my real job this week. I had been so looking forward to the silence of an office full of people quietly minding their own business. Instead, I’ve barely taken my coat off before I get abuse bellowed at me by someone from another department because he’s screwed up his paperwork and this apparantly is my fault and I should do my bloody job properly. Except, I’d never met the man before (thank fuckitty) and have never had anything to do with his idiotic paperwork. When he’d finished shouting at me, he shouted at my boss, and shouted at my other coworkers, and now has a report filed against him for abusive behaviour in the work-place. Tosser. He owes me three doses of Bisodol.

Item – Tomorrow is Red Nose Day. For the non-Brits, this is a biennial (NOT biannual – that would mean every six months. I am embarrassed to tell you how long it took me to work out there was a difference) telethon, where many many comedians, singers, actors, celebrities, etc. give up their time to raise money for a sizeable clump of charities in Britain and Africa. It’s something of an institution for us to get home by 7pm, flick on the telly, order a pizza, and get roaring drunk while alternately laughing hysterically, sneering, and crying our eyes out at the ‘this is what we do with your money’ bits, which always involves abused children, someone’s mother very nearly dying of AIDS, a toddler really dying of malaria, and a dear old lady with no one to look after her. And then we phone in and pledge a wad of cash and go to bed at three in the morning, feeling drained and virtuous. A highly cathartic experience all round. Meanwhile, all over Britain, perfectly sane adults have been wondering round train stations with collecting buckets while dressed as penguins and singing opera.

Item – People at work were complaining that they didn’t feel they could spare much money for Comic Relief this year, because of the disasters in Japan. I made myself HUGELY unpopular by chirpily remarking I’d just gritted my teeth and coughed up double (Red Cross, thank you for asking). Yes, I know, I am a pompous self-righteous twatweasel. You may throw tomatoes.

Item – And if you have any kind or brave thoughts to spare, send them to Liz at Womb For Improvement.


8 responses to “Best quality assorted misshapes

  • a

    And I didn’t even give you my scary stories…glad you’re getting that looked at.

    When I’m not at work, I always miss the exciting stuff! I missed a staff meeting this morning and when I asked what happened, everyone said “oh, nothing really.” Then I start hearing all the interesting stuff as the day goes on. Once there was a fire – quite a hilarious one, in fact, involving a police officer in flip flops attempting to stomp out flaming money. A couple times, the heat or air conditioning stopped working. Yeah, all the good stuff happens when I’m not there…but lately, my cases keep getting transferred to someone else to work. It’s awesome (especially since I feel mostly extreme disgust towards the person who keeps getting them)!

    People actually watch telethons there, do they? How about that.

    • May

      Oh, Red Nose Day is a telethon like no other. It’s more of an outbreak of mayhem interspersed with emotional blackmail. It’s so popular here that in 2007 THE PRIME MINISTER did a sketch. There’s plenty of swearing, anarchy, and acerbic political comment. It’s not much like your average telethon. A few years ago we forced some reluctant American visitors to sit down and watch at least a little of it with us, and they were hooked. They loved it. They were particularly struck by how irreverent it all was. Apparantly, in the States no one would DARE say such a thing on a charity telethon, or show anyone their arse. But then, they were from the Bible Belt and were already astonished that we didn’t mind our places of work knowing we were atheists, so perhaps things are very very different on the coasts.

  • Everydaystranger

    Twice a year I bawl like a freaking idiot at TV – Children In Need, and Red-Nosed Day. We did Red Nose-y things at work, and I’ll be doing exactly (to the letter) what you have above, including copious alcohol, whipping out my credit card (I already gave, dammit! Once more into the fray!), and pizza.

  • wombattwo

    Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, or your oesophagus…
    Red Nose Day usually passes me by without me noticing, but i’m quite looking forward to it this year.

  • twangy

    Hooray for the red nose! I like it. Will make a nice change from the Huge Green Velour Hat, which is de rigueur (sp??) around here these days.

    I give to Concern because a good friend is a project worker therein (Lawks, the stories!) So yeah, splat me with tomatoes too, for I too am a TWATWEASEL!

    Also good on the GP – she is in the know, so you won’t have to do the lengthy explanations.

    (Four words that WordPress doesn’t know? Pfft. Needs to expandify.)

  • Womb For Improvement

    Thank you for your kind and brave thoughts.

    Well done for filing the report about the twatweasel. People like that need to be put back in their box.

  • Betty M

    No red nose day for me this year as no tv at the mo. Horrors. Have had to settle for you tube clippettes with the mobile wifi dongle of great expense. Not the same. Even when wearing monster (pirates sold out) red nose and deeley boppers.

%d bloggers like this: