What to do

Secret Squirrelling is nearly over. Hopefully only one more day to go, and then I can escape back to my dear old normal job, where no doubt my inbox will have reached the Tolman–Oppenheimer–Volkoff limit. And that’s about all I can say about that. (What? I made an affirmation I’d stay schtum. Yes, even semi-anonymously on the internets).

And the other bloody annoying thing about Secret Squirrel Lair is that the coffee is grotesque, and the food is horrible, and I have put on three pounds because I am eating rubbish and not even enjoying it and have been for two weeks. I am praying some of it is bloat, and will just… go away… OK, yes, I am being delusional. Pass the lettuce.

I’ve also been somewhat incommunicado this week because I have been headachey every single blasted evening, and this is not conducive to either blogging or commenting, for which I apologise. Well, I apologise for the not commenting. Apologising for not blogging for three days sounds unutterably vain-glorious.

I did, actually, ovulate, earlier this week (hence wistful hopes of bloat), and my period is now due Monday 21st or Tuesday 22nd. I’m so very, very bored of the hope-fail-hope-fail thing, and so very bored of two week waits. Apart from the way they always feel like being loaded into the back of the lorry for transport back to the front line at Ypres [Sound of a thousand teeny-tiny violins].

Our wedding anniversary is the 19th. I would like to get pie-eyed drunk and have passionately uninhibited sex with H on the living-room carpet because we can’t wait to make it to the bedroom. Given the whole two-week-wait thing, I will be feeling uneasy about drinking, so I probably won’t even though I probably should. Fingers crossed the sex works out in the face of tedious sobriety, eh?

Oh, I know what’s vaguely interesting. H and I were discussing the whole chemical pregnancy period-not-even-late AUGH thing, and how horribly stressful it is when that happens. Is there a way, we wondered, in which we can manage this without making us both implode with anxst? Do we even want to know, in future, if I’m pregnant if it’s only for 24 hours? What about the aspirin therapy?

I know quite a few fellow RPL veterans have been put on low-dose aspirin every single day for ever. But The Professor was quite adamant that I should only start taking aspirin when I get a positive pregnancy test. Huh.

I suggested to H that I start taking aspirin anyway at about 10dpo, but, and this is crucial, don’t test until my period is late. Or, at least, late for me. H was very keen on this idea, and we were all gung-ho for quite some minutes.

But, I’m still not sure if I want to know or not know when I have a chemical. I hate the idea of how anxious and frustrated and angry and downright sad chemical pregnancies make me. I want to get on with my life without being pole-axed with anxst every third cycle. But I just hate the idea of an embryo having been in there, and me not knowing – it makes me feel like I’m abandoning them. Even though with the plan, there will be aspirin, so my clotty blood doesn’t choke the poor bugger. Even though a chemical pregnancy is because the embryo really is made of genetic mince and can’t work out how to make its own trophoblast, let alone a fetal pole and heaven forfend, limb-buds. Even though some embryos never even implant at all and there’s not even the tell-tale faint tinge of HCG in the urine for a few hours to let its mother know it was ever in there.

How about you, Gentle Readers? Would you want to know? Even if it was only a chemical pregnancy? Or would you really rather not?


17 responses to “What to do

  • Everydaystranger

    I go for the head in the sand approach in my life every time.

    For me I elect not knowing. Not knowing means not having to do whatever is alternate of not knowing. A little knowledge, they say….

    Although if not knowing meant NOT being able to imbibe on copious champagne and shag my fabulous husband senseless, I might opt for knowing. You know, just this once.

  • QoB

    I think I would go for ‘no tests thanks, pass the aspirin’. It won’t affect the embryo if you’ll be taking aspirin anyway, and it might make the whole process ever-so-slightly easier on you and H.

    • QoB

      caveat: this is from someone who has never been any kind of pregnant and doesn’t plan to be any time soon.

  • wombattwo

    Um, difficult one this. I totally get your wanting to know – it feels cruel, somehow, to the poor embryo not to know, but on the other hand you have to think of your own sanity too. I think I would aim to take the aspirin and to not test until my period is late, but I realise that I may well feel compelled to pee on something anyway. I suspect my husband would have to hide all pregnancy tests and sit on me or something.
    Really, really hope that you have a happy and joyous wedding anniversary this year.

  • Womb For Improvement

    They say ignorance is bliss. And I think if you weren’t aware of the possibility of ignorance would be. But because you know what you know, and it all adds to your medical history, I reckon you should endeavour to find out.

  • Bionic Baby Mama

    i’m going to lie and say i’d rather not know.

  • a

    Two miscarriages and 2 chemical pregnancies under the old belt…and I have determined that while I should test early, I don’t want to. I’m old, my eggs are crap, and testing early just gives me hope for something that will not be. I know that I let my internal biochemist take over – which says that it once took 11 whole weeks for the internal mechanisms to do their dirty work, so a few days either way probably won’t make a difference.

    Of course, I’ve become rather unsentimental about uncooperative embryos (for God’s sake, your only job is to keep dividing! How hard is that???), so that may be coloring my view…

  • Minta

    After 2 late first tri miscarriages and 4 confirmed chemicals (2 additional suspected but unconfirmed) I can tell you that I prefer to know. The two suspected ones haunt me. I wish I knew for sure, so I could acknowledge them in some way. But “claiming” them without knowing for sure feels like falsely inflating my count. Which how fucking sick is it that I’m worried about that? Anyway… when TTC I take aspirin every day doctors orders be damned. It can’t hurt and might help, and I won’t forget if I’m taking a pill everyday. And, I start testing around 10dpo. But, I don’t tell my hubs or anyone else if it’s positive until 4 weeks (i.e. period is late). Which means he doesn’t know about the chemicals until they’re done. It works better for us this way.

  • Betty M

    I was always a stick hands over ears, screw my eyes tight shut and sing la la la until it was obvious either way kinda gal. Plus I loathe pee sticks. This has however meant I had a stack of late, late periods whe I suspected stuff but was too cowardly to test. Which obviously led to later regret when the old aspirin was held forth as answer to a least a subset of our issues. So in don’t do as I did mode I would be starting aspirin on dpo 10 or 11 and testing on the day you count as late.

    I vaguely recall that the Prof’s lab did some research on possible interference of aspirin in implantation which may be whilst she delays until positive test. There is research which goes the other way too. I remember tying myself in knots about it and doing various permutations of up to EC and then starting again about dpo 10, all eh time, only after transfer etc. But this set of anecdote was inconclusive so far as effects went.

    How mean of the Squirrel overlords to make you work for lousy coffee and snacks. An outrage.

  • AMH

    I was glad I knew about the first chemical. It was such an amazing revelation to know that we could get pregnant (sperm: check, egg: check, lining: check). I don’t think I could have kept at it without seeing a line for at least a short time. But after that first chemical, no, I did not want to know.

    FWIW, I strongly, strongly urge you to take the aspirin the entire cycle. Implantation can occur as early as 6-7 DPO. You can have clotting issues that interfere with implantation. You don’t detect a pregnancy until at least 3 days after implantation. It seems like a very bad idea to not start the aspirin until after you detect pregnancy.

    I just don’t get what the problem is within taking the aspirin every day. Tons of people our age take daily low-dose aspirin to avoid heart attack and stroke, it’s rare that daily aspirin therapy would be a problem for someone. And just anecdotally, while I obviously don’t know for sure what happened differently with the cycle that actually worked, I was on aspirin therapy the entire cycle. I was also taking Vitamin D – you might research links that have been found between sub-optimal fertility in animals and Vit D deficiency. I had a diagnosed deficiency and after 6 weeks of high-dose Vit D therapy was back to normal, and that was the first cycle that stuck. Again, it may not help you, but both aspirin and Vit D are pretty harmless, my mindset was always to throw as much at the problem as possible.

  • manapan

    Dunno if you remember, but when I tested positive for number three and went in for a beta, the doctor first asked me about my weekend plans. When I mentioned we would be going to our niece’s first birthday party, he lied to me about the results, saying that they were negative but I could probably expect a horrible period. I didn’t find out that it was actually a chemical until I got the bill in the mail for “first trimester care” and called the nurses to ask what the number was. Even though I’m not impressed that my doctor could lie to me so casually, I am incredibly glad I didn’t know at the time.

    No matter whether you know or not, you are most definitely not the one doing the abandoning here. You have done everything in your power, far too many times now, to make a nice cushy home. And it sucks and it hurts and it adversely affects your sanity when you do know, so why know when you don’t have to? At the same time, I know that’s much easier said than done. (((hugs)))

  • carole

    I couldn’t bear the not knowing: had to test. And I saw many, many faint lines shortly followed by my period. But my coping mechanism was not to think about them as miscarriages. They were cycles that didn’t work. Full stop. And then I would concentrate hard on the fact that the start of my period is the start of the new cycle that COULD work. Onwards and don’t look back.

    Not sure if this could work for everyone, but it worked for me.

  • Coley

    After many, MANY chemical pregnancies I’d now say I don’t want to know. It was useful finding out that I was indeed getting pregnant as it’s helped us figure out (hopefully) what’s going wrong. I don’t need to see every pink line. I acknowledge all those lost babies in others ways – I plant flowers in my garden for example. However, I know myself when I’m pregnant so its kinda academic. x

  • twangy

    Decidedly, not, for me. I hate testing and try to avoid it at all costs – it does this awful thing to my heart-rate even when there is only a minute chance it might be positive. URG.

    Just one more mouldy day – light at end of the tunnel. Hurray!

  • Willow

    This is a tough one… I’ve thought about this a lot, because of course before the advent of HPTs, women would never have known about these early losses and that does seem better, less painful, in some ways. But, I guess I sort of feel like I’d want to know if possible, if only to have additional data to give my doctor. Not that it would necessarily help. Maybe try not testing till later and see how it feels? If it’s a relief, great. If it’s too hard wondering what you might have missed, you can always go back to testing earlier.

%d bloggers like this: