Stress hamster

Item – I have been ‘seconded’, I think the term is, to another sort of job entirely for a couple of weeks. Pros, the days are much shorter. Cons, dear crikey fishnuts, it’s stressful. And very Secret Squirrel (ie, this is an attempting-to-be-anonymous blog, the details of my secondment are a) confidential and b) highly identifiable). So I can’t talk about it. AAAARGH. I don’t do not talking. *Tears hair out, paces in circles*.

Item – The Landlord ‘popped by’ today, alas while I was at home (see ‘shorter hours’), and you know, the law says a landlord has to give 24 hours notice if he wants to come in and poke about, but ours said ‘did you know your bathroom is leaking into the downstairs flat?’ and I said ‘OMFG no!’ or a variant thereof tailored to elderly landlords in tweeds, and rushed back up to check none of the taps were on, and they weren’t, and the Landlord followed me up to also check, and then, of course, he was in the flat passing remarks about the immense quantity of laundry currently hanging in front of every radiator in the place (why yes, the Landlord saw my pink polka-dot panties. Hurrah!) and the general mess. Well, OK, the flat usually looks, ohh, how can I put this without losing the respect of the entire Internet? The flat is usually Colossally Untidy. And today, it was also Colossally Untidy with sink-full-of-dirty-dishes and kitchen-table-covered-in-bits-of-paper. If I’d had 24 hours, it’d’ve merely looked a bit… bohemian. Heigh ho. Anyway, the Landlord has promised us builders, to see why there’s a damp patch on the ceiling of the flat below, and I am now too scared to use the toilet. Also, the Landlord wanted to know why the flat was full of laundry instead of us hanging it outside in the yard. I gave him my best ‘Watchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?’ stare, because, seriously? Our contract says we may not hang laundry in the yard. We may not, in fact, use the yard for anything at all except going to and fro from our door to the street. The Landlord said ‘nonsense! You could put up a washing-line!’ and lead me back out to show me where we could put said washing line. (I told all this to H, later, and H said ‘we’ll get that in writing first.’ I concur). Anyway, builders, imminent. Arse. (Oh, and we need to clean up this yard we may not use. It has litter in it, you see. I forbore say anything about the neighbour’s cat-shit, the gigantic towering buddleia pulling the opposite wall apart, and, oh, the fact we aren’t allowed to use the yard for anything at all, except Laundry Tomorrow, Laundry Yesterday, but not Laundry Today).

Item – Meanwhile, H and I are on Bang Like A Barn Door schedule, or would be if I didn’t keep getting bouts of ferocious cramp and tenderness, which may or may not be ovulation-related, but nevertheless put an almighty crimp in my desire to have anyone or anything poking me there. It’s better today, thank fuckitty, because I was getting quite cantankerous about it. *sigh*. The Cute Ute is utterly borked, isn’t she?

Item – I know none of the many doctors who have dealt with me think I should be doing any kind of medicated anything (go forth and procreate! they said politely) and therefore I am now doing exactly what I should be doing to further Operation Schrödinger Take Oh-Crap-I’ve-Lost-Count. But it doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything move matters along. Doing more of this, when doing exactly this leads to face-planting in the worst way? Agh. Also, ugh. And other gutteral noises of anxsty disaproval. I’m even a tad envious of people doing medicated cycles and IVF, because they are actively doing things to increase their odds (even though neither of those things would increase my own odds one jot, such is life, damn and blast). I’ve been mud-wrestling primary infertility and RPL in the Slough of Despond for five-and-a-sizeable-chunk years now, and we’re still on old-fashioned Lie Back And Think Of England. Which is the right approach for us and what we should be doing, medically speaking, logically, sensibly, what-should-actually-work etc.. It’s just, same old same old, year after year, cycle after cycle, nothing to add, déjà vu, déjà fait. It’s, oh, fuck it. It’s boring. I don’t know why you all bother hanging around reading this.

(Pause, while the Positive Thinking Fairy takes me by the shoulders and shakes me until my teeth rattle, for my own good).

Item – And this is post 600 (and I am looking ever-so-forward to post 666). 600, Gentle Readers! I’ve been here for bloody ages! You load 600 posts and what do you get? Another day older and deeper in – actually, I’m pretty solvent at the moment. Deeper in fret? Regret? Unmet? Upset? Sweat? (Stop right there. This is getting out of hand).


18 responses to “Stress hamster

  • Korechronicles

    Congratulations and well done on the 600 posts! And I’m giving the Positive Thinking Fairy an equally good shake on your behalf. It’s time she pulled the finger out and got to the Project Delivery part of the process.

  • Amy P

    Deeper in kismet?

    *runs away*

  • a

    Nice rhyming talents! So, um, how many times must you suffer pregnancy loss before you hit your NHS scheduled limit and they move on to something else? Because, there is the option of IVF with PGD to test out the old embryos to see if they’re genetically normal. Can you run that one by someone? Fuck – it sucks to not be able to DO something!!!!

    Now I want to know what your secret squirrel assignment is! Are you transcribing the readings for the Royal Wedding? Archiving the invitations? Translating secretly intercepted terrorist conversations? Oooh – are you finding some original Shakespearean manuscripts for the Queen’s visit to HFF’s area? Do you think you can convince her to toss a very sticky Harry at the Queen?

    • May

      Britain’s world-wide famous expert on RPL tells me that PGD would only help if either of us had a translocation. We have been karyotyped, neither of us have a translocation. In the absence of a SPECIFIC genetic mutation to hunt down, PGD is at best guess-work and does not in any way improve the odds of not miscarrying. Britain’s world-wide famous expert on RPL has lots and lots of studies to prove this. Also I am 36 in May, and the NHS does not fund IVF for the over-36s. IVF with PGD would therefore be a very expensive, painful, invasive and risky (I am at a high risk of OHSS, what with one Drama Queen ovary and PCOS) way of NOT IMPROVING OUR ODDS AT ALL OVER MERELY FUCKING. And fucking is fun and cheap. If I stop ovulating, or something unpleasant happens to my one-and-only fallopian tube, well, yes, THEN we’d do IVF.

      We’ve already been investigated by the NHS for RPL. They screened me for nearly everything EXCEPT clotting-for-no-particular-reason (they repeatedly checked for Factor V Leiden and MTHFR and Antiphospholipids). The Professor at the private clinic had the brain-wave to test whether my blood was, well, just clotty. And it is, so I AM being treated for one cause of my recurrent miscarriages. So I have not been ignored by the NHS. They totally did investigate to the limit of their powers, which by and large do well by most people. I’m awkward and don’t pigeon-hole well.

      I know, it really sucks. Not doing anything except taking low-dose aspirin and havering is the right thing to do and yet it feels HUGELY counterintuitive and pathetic. We’re all trained to believe if there is a problem, we should DO! STUFF! to solve it. And yet, what will really solve it, is persistance, patience and luck. Damn and blast it all to heck, eh?

      Your Secret Squirrel ideas are fabulous – I wish I WAS doing anything quite so exciting and fun. I wish I COULD talk about it. I can’t even run my mouth at H. *Bursts from suppressed ranting*

  • a

    Oh yes, and Congratulations on 600 posts! I used to have a telephone number (2, in fact) that started with 666…

  • BigP's Heather

    Congrats on 600!! And on the shorter hours and new jobbie thing. Is it more fun?

    Definitely get it in writing!! Also, since they will have to fix their ceiling anyways, why don’t they just fix it from their apartment and leave yours alone? Nice idea anyways…

  • Teuchter

    >> I don’t know why you all bother hanging around reading this.<<

    Possibly rhetorical but I'll answer anyway.

    Because we love you both and we want this to come right for you.
    And because you write so beautifully. Your cleverness and wit make me hug myself with glee and snort coffee over my keyboard.

  • wombattwo

    Re the ceiling: bath waste pipe. If you have a bath, that is. I bet you.

    Personally, I hang around because a) you write beautifully, b) you are funny c) you are lovely and kind, and d) I want it to work out for you, so much.

    You’re the royal wedding planner, aren’t you? I knew it… Please make sure that Wills and Kate wear matching pink dresses, so we can all have a good laugh. And that they get shepherd’s pie to eat, instead of the 7 course michelin-starred extravaganza that they’re likely to have.

    PS Although everything is very crossed for those doing IVF, and I wish them nothing but success and happy bundles of gorgeousness, I’m a tad envious too. I think it’s only natural.


  • Betty M

    Not being able to DO anything is so frustrating and so contrary to how the 21st century woman lives.

    Deeply thrilling that you are secret squirrelling at work. You do realise that we will all be searching the blog for clues now. And a whole 600 posts to do it in too. Very impressive tally by the way. And I stay cos you are funny and inthat scary Internet stalkery way I want to know that it all comes right in the end for you two. x

  • twangy

    OH LORD, can you not talk about it? I sympathise massively. But I commend your seriousness about the important Thing you are involved with/working on.

    Really, really sorry about the suckage. Hugs.

    Can’t wait for post 666, myself. I love your blog.

    Also, on accommodation/housing and suchlike. My bath pipe gave way at one point in my illustrious past, so could be that. One’s fingers are crossed. (Yes, I am gone Royal).

    Good luck with the Wedding Planning, eh? Seating arrangements=potential diplomatic disaster area! Literally.

  • Womb For Improvement

    Did it not also occur to your landlord that the British weather is only clement enough to hang washing out, without fear of a laundry dash, three days a year?Well done for reaching 600, I just wish we could be reading about a very different life (nothing personal you understand).

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