Item – I’m doing this as ‘items’ again because, to be honest, Narrative Arc is utterly beyond me.

Item – I went back to the GP on Friday morning, and she impressed me by a) remembering who I was despite having only seen me once before, b) being utterly unfazed by my bursting into tears, and c) taking the whole Pain! Horrible Pain! thing seriously. I now have a box of Voltarol (diclofenac) suppositories. Try tossing them cookies! Hah! (If the Voltarol the Embarrassing Way doesn’t help with the puking (but she hopes it will, as the puking is a physical response to the pain), she can give me other medications. My liver is starting to feel like an ongoing medical experiment). And we had a little chat about other treatments, options, referrals, ultrasound embolization of fibroids, MRIs, mirena, and the fact I’m already 35 (36 in May) and I just don’t have time for all this fucking about. Also, we touched on the colossal and unkind irony that dictates that one of the best possible things I could do for my poor borked uterus right now is grow a full-term baby in it. We agreed this was all very unfair and ridiculous and she passed me a tissue.

Item – I was out and about over the weekend, spending time with my sister Trouble (this was very very astonishingly nice. We had a lovely afternoon. We really enjoyed each other’s company. I award Trouble a Gold Star for Coolth), and going to a concert with a friend on Sunday. (This was also very very nice, but not astonishing, as I was expecting it to be). So I now feel a lot more chirpy and a lot less like John Hurt in Alien.

Item – I did have a good hard cry on Sunday morning, with melodramatic flailing, all the same.

Item – H has kindly cleared the latest series of pregnancy tests off the bathroom windowsill. I keep feeling a pointless longing to get them back and look at the faint, faint, almost-not-there-at-all lines again. I still have a positive pregnancy test from Pikaia. I still have the one I photographed for you all from Eurydice. I feel, weirdly, I’ve been unfair to all the other ones because I didn’t keep the traces of their utterly brief existances.

Item – I am feeling exceedingly lost.


16 responses to “Despond

  • Womb For Improvement

    She (the Doctor) does sound like just the right person. But solutions? Proper ones to get you to go to term? Any ideas?

  • Illanare

    You may not have kept pictorial traces, but you, and your bloggy friends, remember them.
    Glad that the GP was Lovely.

  • a

    Well, I will buck the trend of sympathy, and say that taking photos of things soaked in urine cannot be a healthy hobby. 🙂

    I’m sorry you’re feeling lost. I’m sorry that you feel that way every month. I’m REALLY sorry about the suppositories (but I hope they work).

    And although Trouble probably came by her nickname honestly, it seems like she pops up and is a wonderful sister when you really need one. Hope that cancels out the rest of her troublesome behavior.

  • QoB

    I’m so glad that a new painkiller option has arrived, even if it’s not by the ideal route.

  • katie

    I do slightly know where a is coming from – I kept one from my last pregnancy for a few months but it got smelly, and I knew Mr S would be upset if he found it. So I binned it.

    Yay for painkillers. Let’s hope they work as well as we want.

  • Bionic Baby Mama

    well where has this GP been hiding? and how did she escape the part of medical school where everyone else learned Never To Listen To May, Especially About Pain? are you *sure* she’s a real doctor?

    she sounds great. i hope you can keep her. and maybe clone her, while you’re at it.

    pee sticks or no, you’re not going to forget these brief existences. nor will your friends.

  • Quiet Dreams

    That was a bit like a roller coaster to read, so I have great sympathy for you getting to go through it in living color.

    Yay for pain meds that may actually get to stay in your system.

    Hugs for the endlessly endlessness of it all.

  • Teuchter

    *more hugs*

  • wombattwo

    Good girl. I think that visit to the GP was exactly what you needed to do. GPs are used to people crying on them, hell that’s what they’re there for! It sounds like she is sensible, and understanding, and empathic, which is what you need right now. Did she have much to say on the options you discussed?
    Re the diclofenac, although it has transformed me in the past from a writhing, swearing, nauseous, crampy mess to someone who was sitting up, smiling and eating in about 15 minutes, I would advise (assvice?) you to start taking them as soon as your period starts – to try and avoid the evil pain from the off, and give them a chance to get into your system at therapeutic levels, so to speak.
    Re the peesticks, don’t feel bad, you remember your babies anyway, whether or not you have peesticks to show for them. I have a line from a song going round in my head: “Just because they can’t feel it too doesn’t mean that you have to forget…”
    Anyway, sending hugs and my wishes for a brighter tomorrow.

  • twangy

    The GP does sound really decent. I don’t have any desire to shake/make her angry visits, which I feel is a good sign.

    Suppositories, good. Makes sense. Also, I am glad we can talk about these things, which after all, are a reality. (Having flashback to a flatmate who couldn’t understand why her pills tasted so funny. They were vaginal suppositories. We live and learn.)

    I am so sorry you are despondent. How could you not be, though?
    Hugs, and many many wishes for better times.

  • katyboo1

    Sadly for the ick factor, voltarol suppositories are pretty good. I hope they help. I am sorry you feel lost. I know just how you feel. Pooh ha. That is all.xxxx

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    ‘Try tossing them cookies! Hah!’ as a phrase, delighted me inordinately.
    ‘I am feeling exceedingly lost.’ as a fact, saddened me hugely .

  • Betty M

    Suppositories – hmm best I can say about them is that they are very French so they must be the chic section of the painkiller supermarket.
    Hope the sensible GP is the first step out of the Slough of despond.

  • Korechronicles

    Sorry about the lostness which sucketh mightily. Yay for painkillers out of reach of the heaving gut..sensible GP.

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