Wincing onwards

Item – I was poking about on Google Reader, and noticed I have garnered quite a few more subscribers since Christmas. Hello, new subscribers! How lovely of you to drop by!

Item – The Cute Ute is testing my patience to the fucking limit. Another four days of bad cramps – well, not cramps, as such. It’s the persistent, bruised, burning ache that I get with my period, which feels like someone stamped on me with a spiked and flaming boot. And I’ve been spotting quite heavily, unnervingly heavily on Wednesday. Dr Google tells me this often happens to women with adenomyosis. Dr Google also went on and on about endometrial biopsies, polyps, fibroids, cancer, Alien (do I look like John Hurt?) and surprise pregnancies.

Item – I took a pregnancy test anyway, as mid-cycle pain and bleeding did, once, memorably, equal suprise! You’re pregnant! It was negative. Given the gettin’ jiggy drought my grumpy uterus has imposed, this is absolutely correct and according to the Laws of Nature.

Item – Being so sore and crampy all the time is doing wonders for my productivity at work. Ha ha.

Item – I am sick of my job. I can do it, I am good at it, I am more than a tad under-stretched by it, I am very much underpaid in it (occupational disease of library staff. Even the shelvers have at least two degrees. Anyone’d think we did it for love), the promotion prospects are dreary, it’s all being made needlessly stressful by the ridiculously long commute, chronic understaffing, and some few colleagues who are incompetent and it’s probably rude to add lazy, but I shall anyway. I was only sticking with it for the rather lovely maternity benefits, anyway. Hahahahahaha. At least I’m getting full wackaroony out of the sick-leave arrangements. Oh, God, and there’s that – I take just SO MUCH freakin’ sick leave. Miscarriages. Periods from hell. Migraines. Fucking uterus. Fucking hormones. I worry endlessly about losing this job and then never being able to get another because of my shitty health of shitness. So, my job is stressing me out and making me miserable and, unforgiveably, boring me and I am feeling guilty and scared about it all the time. Ugh.

Item – On the other hand, I have whittled off the fuck-it-it’s-Christmas misery weight, am back at Official IVF weight (were I doing IVF, which I’m not) and can now proceed on down the scale to so-bloody-there weight. I put on a skirt I haven’t worn for a while. It used to be rather tight around the middle. Then it got too tight to wear at all. And now the waist-band is so loose the whole thing keeps sliding asymmetrically down about my hips. Also, I need to buy another pair of jeans. Oh God, how I hate clothes shopping.

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19 responses to “Wincing onwards

  • Womb For Improvement

    I work in a similar institution to you and trust me, you cannot lose your job! Not if you are off sick for 12 weeks continuously and only send intermittent sick notes and lie about what is wrong with you. As you have very valid reasons and copious medical notes to back you up then you don’t need to worry about that.

  • Betty M

    With you on the grimness of clothes shopping. Occasionally I am tempted by those personal shopper things where you sit and booze and someone brings you stuff but they all seem to be aimed at footballers’ wives types not someone needing more jeans. But the weight loss is a good thing no?

  • a

    Well, if it weren’t for the benefits, and the flexibility, and the lack of serious pressure to get anything done (beyond my own self-imposed pressure which is minimal), and the salary…I would have quit my job long ago. Because the work is kind of boring, the environment sucks (4 days of no heat? Well, if it goes one more day, we’ll think about getting in some space heaters), coworkers are evil, and the retirement benefits are pathetic. But I can take time off whenever I want to…

    Sorry the Cute Ute is acting up again.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    memo to Cute Ute: you seem to have some misunderstanding of the term “cute”. your recent behavior is decidedly not cute. please remedy, toot sweet.

    jeans shopping is a horror, no doubt about it. but there is always the possibility that This Time you will find el dorado, a new pair of Favorite Jeans…. yeah, i know. i’m still mourning a pair from high school.

  • Daisy

    I only ever shop at White Stuff. I find it works for me. Lots of love, xx

  • Amy P

    Well, at least clothes shopping due to Everything Is Too Big is better than shopping due to Everything Is Too Small. Not any less soul-destroyingly boring (oh, wait, no, that’s shoe shopping), mind you, but better.

  • manapan

    No wonder I could never land the constantly-open, minimum-wage job shelving books at the college library!

    I hate clothes shopping too thanks to the inevitable breakdown in the fitting room when nothing fits right. Now I order all my clothes online, have my cry at home instead, and then send back what I didn’t like. It’s just more humane. Plus I can keep them for a couple weeks to test for period bloating fit possibilities before sending them back.

  • Nina

    Hate it or not, at least you’ll look hot doing it now, right? I’d go just to tell the salespeople what size I was!!! Bwahahahahahha!! But that’s me. And I tend to gloat. Just a little.

  • wombattwo

    Clothes shopping is annoying, especially jeans shopping. I find Gap *relatively* useful, but it is variable.
    I am flummoxed by your uterus. I don’t think even she knows what she’s doing half the time. Wandering around drunkenly and crashing into the walls perhaps? I would say she needs a slap, but I don’t know exactly how you’d go about doing that…
    Job-wise? Just… sorry. I know work is dull/miserable/annoying; how about planning some lovely things to do with H so that you have lots of things outside work to look forward to?
    Hugs

  • One Cycle at a Time

    I really hope someone can figure out what’s going on with the Cute Ute and soon! Its terrible that you’re expected to just live with it. I love reading your posts. So much that I nominated you for an award on my blog! 🙂

  • Korechronicles

    Enduring the job blahs here so I hear you loud and clear…why will no one pay us to stay home and do creative play, I ask plaintively?

    And jolly well done on the results of the 2011 FM Shrinkathon. That is no mean effort, and I know well of what I speak.

    And as for Cute Ute – in the words of Nanny Ogg – “Bugger all that. Let’s curse somebody.”

  • twangy

    Huh, never heard of White Stuff. Sort of want to try something on now, to see if I have breasts or BREASTS. Suspecting I have breasts. But YES, on the hatred of the jeans shopping. Who invented standard sizes? NO ONE in the WORLD is a standard size. “They” should make a make to measure jeans site, where you put in your own measurements. If they haven’t already.

    Also tons of sympathy on the other on-going work and uterus-related Stuff. You need a break. You really do.

    • wombattwo

      Say you have a 34inch chest: C or below= breasts. D or above= BREASTS.
      Variable according to PMT and other issues.
      Standard sizes appear to be based on some sort of alien, from what I can work out.

      • Amy P

        Smallest my ribcage has been since before I had breasts was 36 inches. So take down a cup size for each inch or 2 of chest size before you qualify for BREASTS? I knew that compared to my mom and her sister, I have BREASTS, but I didn’t know I did in reference to the general population 😎 (I also have my mom’s broad shoulders. Not wearing anything with sleeves that’s smaller than a large, no matter how much weight I lose ;-))

        • May

          36DD, verging on E when Especially Hormonal. I totally have BREASTS. I haven’t fitted into a buttoned shirt or blouse since I was 16 (and I was SKINNY then). Even ones that are so big my hands have vanished up the sleeves and there’s enough spare fabric across my back to put a ruck-sack under, are too tight across the front.

        • wombattwo

          Oh yeah, absolutely. Was just going by my own experience of that particular shop!

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