It’s no good, I can’t manoeuvre

I was going to tell you all that I felt so, so much better for writing that last post, for getting it all off my chest. I was almost euphoric on Monday morning. This was totally your doing, my dear readers, for all your kind, kind, wise, empathetic, heartfelt, loving comments (essays, even). I felt loved. I felt understood. (Because I’m me, i.e. neurotic as a bag of wet cats, I felt bad that you all felt so bad on my behalf. But you can feel free to ignore this bit).

It all went a bit wrong today, I’m afraid. Work was tiresome, stressful and shitty*. I was in a lot of pain (it’s day 12 of this cycle. I got a lot of cramps about this time during the last cycle as well. No idea what in fucking fuck my uterus is playing at. Possibly growing new endometrium (in all the wrong places). That’d make sense. That’d hurt. Daaaaaaaaaamn). I got home in a bad mood, bitching about feeling sore, trying to do some house-work, and H made a rather dismissive remark, not out of dismissive feeling or grumpiness, but out of sheer not really having heard what I was saying, and I lost it completely. Tears, shouting, full-on ‘my life is ruined, everything I do is a failure’ flailing. H got all defensive and prickly, which made it worse, and ohh, that was an unpleasant and embarrassing hour or so.

(Positive Thinking Fairy wonders if I might be ovulating early this cycle, as I always do seem to lose it completely when I’m gearing up to ovulate. I think I shall get Bitter McTwisted to flush her head down the toilet again).

Anyway. On the other hand, I had salad for lunch, and only one coffee.

While we’re on the subject of salad, I think I shall have to make myself get down to a BMI of 25, and if it works, hurrah, and if it doesn’t, I’ll damn well know I did my best, and also, I can tell my doctors to go fucking fuck themselves. If I never do lose the weight, the thought that I could’ve done, and it might’ve worked, will tear me to pieces.

I think I would like to get drunk now.

*By shitty, I mean it involved a student telling me I wasn’t a ‘proper librarian’ because I was shelving books when he came up to ask for my help finding a book whose title he couldn’t remember, a colleague being a demanding entitled ass, and having to catalogue a book on child abuse prevention for medical professionals with photographs (and if the man responsible for those injuries appeared before me, I would batter him with my office chair until it broke into splinters, were he the size of the Incredible Hulk and a karate black-belt. As it was, I shook for a good 20 minutes after I’d hurriedly put the book down and then fastened it shut with an elastic band. Nasty burn-scar on the mind now).


12 responses to “It’s no good, I can’t manoeuvre

  • Hairy Farmer Family


    A very good pal of mine – I am godmother to her youngest – was a copper in the child abuse squad for years. I realy, really don’t want to know what she knows.

    I hope, as you aren’t a proper librarian, that you were therefore totally unable to correctly handle the books you were shelving, and dropped them sharply on his toe. I also hope he gets pox, the cheeky little cretin.

  • BigP's Heather

    Did you send him off to find a proper librarian and tell him never to bother you EVER again?

    I second the idea of him getting pox.

  • Bionic Baby Mama

    you did at least tell that nitwit that he wasn’t a proper student for not having at least an author, right?

    i am beaming lots of sympathetic thoughts at you, as i have been, though i am not doing well with getting them into words lately. since the highest level of function i seem to have today is linking to things, i offer you this example of librarian-ish devotion to honor in the face of preternatural temptation to do otherwise.

  • Amy P

    Oh, hon, any *one* of those would make for a rotten day. All together, I’d say they added up to a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Just don’t change your name to Alexander…


  • a

    Thanks, Bionic Baby Mama – I needed a good laugh!

    Sorry for your crap day, May. Hope things are better tomorrow…

  • Claire

    A lot of my motivation to lose weight was telling the doctors to go fuck themselves! It really helps keep you going! I just did not (and still do not) want to have to answer to anyone else about my weight. I also did not want to have any regrets.

    You show the fuckers!

  • J. F.

    Fascinating! Your wandery undergrad has now taught me something new: librarians DON’T SHELVE BOOKS. They must magically fly to the proper places. (Somewhat related: one of our local libraries has just put in a fancy RFID system that will eventually use a ROBOT!!!! to sort the books onto carts. I think the teenage volunteers will still be stuck shelving, though.)

    Many sympathies, weak consolation though it may be, on the mind burn-scar. I once asked someone close to me about a very similar subject and was sorry indeed when the person answered me. Then I was murderous.

  • wombattwo

    Damn all Uteri of Doom! Why are they so rubbish?
    I’ve got a nice bottle of Italian wine open, would you like some?
    (as I don’t really have much else to say except the student is a muppet and hugs about the husband-row, ugh, they’re horrible those rows)

  • Betty M

    That student is like some of the trainees at my office – entitled and stupid. Mind burn scars are horrid. I come across them at work and have decided that they should be on a need to know basis only and frankly most times I don’t need to know.

  • Korechronicles

    Hope things improve for you soonest and that the snivelling little snot fails every exam.

  • twangy

    Ditto what Korechronicles has said. Also, I am sorry about the pain, that sounds awful.

    I am hoping today is behaving itself.

  • thalia

    Well I’m glad things got temporarily better, and I’m sorry I didn’t comment on the last post, it was one of those times when I read it, felt a lot of things, could not organise my thoughts, and then got sucked into a bunch of work stress and didnt’ find the time to say even the simple “I’m here”.

    Re the weight, I tend to agree with you, if you can find a way to do it in a healthy way which doesn’t become stressful. I worked really hard for 10 months to lose the weight for my wedding, and I loved it. I loved feeling better and fitter and being able to wear clothes I had never had the chance to wear as an adult. I loved my run every morning, I loved my kick boxing sessions. I made sure I had some chocolate every day and unlimited fruit and veg, and kept an eye on everything else I ate. And that was fine. And having a goal kept me on track. So if you can get to a place where it feels like a positive choice and not a “fuck you” to your docs, then absolutely. If it’s feeling like a miserable choice for you, then I’m less sure.

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