O’er-fraught heart

Dear Readers, thank you for your commiserations in my last post. I’m feeling almost human right now. I woke up today in a great deal of pain, and threw up my pain-killers midmorning, and then had a horrible few hours where I was too nauseous to take more, and hurting like the proverbial (what is it, by the way, with the cramps running down my thighs? They are excruciating. What the hell have my thighs got to do with my uterus? Gah). Luckily, mid-afternoon I managed to keep some co-codamol down. From then on in I felt well enough to have a little chicken soup, and then I could take the mefenamic acid. And now I am properly medicated and feel bruised, tender and crampy rather than torn-to-shreds with mind-meltingly painful spasms in the back and legs. I also feel very tired and more than a little stoned. Both drugs have side-effects of drowsiness, light-headedness and confusion. Oof. I don’t know how anyone could do anything stronger just for fun. I like being able to cohere, me.

And now I am sitting up in bed, drinking bitter lemon, hot-water-bottles clamped fore-and-aft (H bought me a second one this very afternoon, after I wailed that I could only hold the cramp-relieving heat to my lower back OR my thighs and they both huuuuuuuurt. He also bought the bitter lemon and made the chicken soup and washed out the plastic bowl after I was sick in it. I think I shall buy him a pony).

I spent an idiotically long time wondering why this period wasn’t quite so horrible as the last, you know. It was quite a surprise to me when Bitter McTwisted stopped flushing the Positive Thinking Fairy’s head down the loo long enough to remind me that last time I had been, you know, miscarrying, dumbass. I told you this stuff made me stoned.

And because I am feeling well enough to think right now, I also remembered that tomorrow would have been the best candidate for Pikaia’s birthday, as it was her due-date in 2009, and if the Universe hadn’t been a giant bucket of shit for the past three years, I’d have a two-year-old. And if I’d had said two-year-old, I don’t know which of my subsequent pregnancies would’ve happened, but it’s likely I’d also have a teeny wee baby, or be pregnant right now. Something like that.

And two-year-olds are so cute and so challenging, so small and vulnerable and darling, and so determined and frustrated and frustrating, and we wouldn’t be living in this flat, and I wouldn’t be worrying about my job, and right now I feel so unimagineably distant from the May that got to be a Mummy. She’s probably making fairy-cakes for tomorrow and bickering with H about the hoovering. She never miscarried, so she probably never really thinks about how easily, how very easily, she could still be stuck in a little flat for DINKYs, in a full-time job that despite its many excellences is just not what she wants to do with her life, buying mugs in pairs rather than half-dozens, buying bitter lemon and birds-eye chillis rather than ribena and fish-fingers.

‘All my pretty ones? Did you say all?—O hell-kite!—All? What, all my pretty chickens, at one fell swoop?’ (Macbeth. Act IV scene iii).

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34 responses to “O’er-fraught heart

  • katyboo1

    Love and love and love and love, and have some more love just in case that wasn’t enough.

    I want to invent a hot water bottle carrying tabard with pockets that allow you to wear multiple hot water bottles at any one time. I too have shitty, crampy periods. Although I only ever get hideous thigh cramping when I am miscarrying. I never understood it either.

    Anyway, want to be the first person to trial my tabard? You can pick the material…
    xxx

    • May

      I love this idea. I choose fuzzy jersey cotton. Snuggly and not as sweaty as other fabrics. I have given this a great deal of thought. Also, H once bought me a mug which says ‘Fuck off, I’m knitting.’ We could print ‘Fuck off, I’m cramping’ on the tabard…

      *hug*

      • katyboo1

        I will make one, when I have finished fighting my crazy landlady to the death in a Mad Max Thunderdome style arena I am creating in the garden out of damp pampas grass.

        • May

          Can I be one of the extras who climbs up the outside of the Thunderdome shaking the bars (gently, I know it’s pampas grass) and chants ‘Two women enter! One woman leaves!’?

  • wombattwo

    Thigh cramps? All to do with referred pain and nerve supplies and the like. Bastards they are too. H, on the other hand, is a gem.
    I was going to email you, but I’m not sure of your email address, so I shall say here: I hope tomorrow is OK. I know it’s likely to be hard, and sad, but I hope that you and H are OK. Will be thinking of you, and sending lots of internet hugs.
    x

  • Womb For Improvement

    Alternate reality is a bitch.

    And I get terrible hip pain during my periods, I told my acupuncturist and he said “Really?!” in a tone that really said “Bullshit!!”. How is it physically possible to get aches so disconnected to our uteri?

    • May

      I was told by some doctor or other that bad cramps can cause pain in the ligaments supporting the uterus – which do extend out to the hips. So. “Yes, REALLY,” to the acupuncturist.

  • a

    As long as we’re in the alternate reality, can I be in the one where I’m also independently wealthy with 2.2 children, a dog, and a Prada bag?

    Sorry for the exceptionally rough weekend…

    • May

      Sure you can. I’ll have the same, only with two cats and an Ashford rigid heddle loom instead of the dog and the Prada bag.

      Thanks for the commiserations.

  • MFA Mama

    Oh, May. The MacBeth, it hath murthered sleep for me tonight. Do take care, friend.

  • Korechronicles

    Glad to hear you could keep the drugs down, anything that makes the suffering bearable is excellent. The leg pain is, according to the experts I consulted many moons ago, a rabid companion animal to the endo/adeno partnership and it is most likely due to high levels of prostaglandins. Yes, those very chemicals responsible for triggering the uterus into menstruating and cramping. Why they just can’t stick to their core business and leave subsidiary limbs alone, I have no idea.

    *Raises a glass to the inventor of the hot water bottle* My hero.

    • May

      And how, exactly, can one lower one’s prostaglandins? No one ever says… *sigh*

      I too shall toast the inventor of the hot water bottle. Without the Hot Thing, I’d be cramping too hard to walk (ask me how I know. Not that you need to, I’m sure you of all people DO know).

      *hug*

  • manapan

    Ugh. Can’t a body cooperate for once and just keep the pain meds down? Sorry you’re having a horrible time yet again.

    Could you maybe ask for yet another medicine for your arsenal? The ondansetron I’m taking works quite well to reduce nausea and vomiting, and you’d already be taking painkillers that could help you deal with the headaches it gives you.

    • May

      An anti-emetic would be good. Or, one of my dear readers (I think it was Wombattwo – was it you, dear?) suggested diclofenac per rectum. I am going to ask the GP about these alternatives before my next cycle. Apart from anything else, chucking up the pain-killers makes me SO CROSS. Gah. Frustration.

      • wombattwo

        Yes it was, and I have some spare. Not that I’d ever share out prescription medication *ahem*. Always sorted me out when I was doing my fainting/vomiting/haemorrhaging woman impression.

  • bionicbrooklynite

    the macbeth has been ringing in my ears all night. i can hear it in a thousand voices.

    we will be thinking of you and h and pikaia all today.

  • Bryony

    willl not forget the Macbeth or you & H x.

    On the referred pain in the thighs – I used to have that at period time and when I was in labour. An osteopath later explained it to me in terms of the body directing pain to a “safe” place, ie, boring old thigh fat rather than the organs and innards that were doing more significant stuff. Made sense to me, but still hurt to buggery.

    much love Bx

    • May

      My thighs are ‘safe’? I’d never thought of it like that. Fascinating. But, alas, as you point out, it still hurts to buggery.

      Thanks for the kind thoughts, much appreciated.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Oh, May. One fell swoop, indeed. You poor, poor dear.

    I’ll go halvsies with you on H’s pony, btw: he shall totally be our King hereafter.

  • Betty M

    Hoping that after a further 24 hrs of ministrations by the fabulous H and plenty of opiates you are feeling a tad better. Those thigh pains are a bitch. I get them from my buttocks and down the back. Yuk.

  • Melissia

    Thinking of you both today. Hope it is bearable, many, many hugs, and will also contribute for H’s pony.

  • thalia

    Well it all sounds bloody miserable, i am sorry. But at least the drugs are working, eh?

    Alternate realities are a killer. I still remember all of mine, although it’s hard to disentangle them now. I so wish Pikaia was here with you now.

  • twangy

    O hell-kite! indeed, indeed.

    I will be muttering this all day in solidarity. So sorry about this horrible pain, your heartbreaking recent loss and the anniversary of Pikaia too. Just too fecking MUCH for one person/couple – there’s no justice, at all.
    How I wish it were not so.
    xxx

    • May

      Shakespeare is very very excellent. Which is why we still read him and not, say, John Lyly.

      I hug you too. And thank you for affirming that it all IS a bit much. I tend to get lost in an internal logic where I keep telling myself it’s not that bad and I should stop whining and then get all bemused by the fact I still feel completely miserable…

  • Hannah

    Heartfelt wishes to you and H, May. I’m so sorry you’re hurting so, both physically and deep in your heart. Although sometimes when my heart hurts so badly, it sometimes felt a bit odd that my body did not bear some physical indication of this pain my soul had to carry. Like I should have s sucking chest wound, or something similar, that would be a physical sign to all of how much I hurt.

    We internets love you and wait impatiently for the day when the alternate reality May and present-life May share the same joyful reality. Until then, know that we are with you, and how very much we care.

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