Be careful what you wish for

“Christmas makes everything twice as sad” – Doug Coupland (I think).

[I’m fine. I haven’t bled at all, not even spotting, for the past 24 hours. I think *looks frantically about for some wood to touch* we’re all home safe and towelling ourselves off.]

Anyway, Christmas Eve, chez the exceedingly Godless May. H and I are spending Christmas all on our lonesome again. And this is a very good thing. Christmas Family Togetherness and Cuddliness has, as ever, passed the extended May Clan by. We’re just no bloody good at it. Diva ran off to spend Tinsel Day with her shiny new boyfriend. Trouble said she was going to take Minx to see our Dad, but at the last minute decided the weather and the hassle and the everything were too much, well, hassle. Mum has gone to the Chalet of Terror again, with an assortment of her siblings, to have a ‘grown-up Christmas’. Any dutiful compunction I might have had to go spend Tinsel Day with Trouble and Minx evaporated when I lost Eurydice. Was spared any guilt at all by Diva telling us that Minx was hugely looking forward to having her mummy all to herself for a few days. Good-oh. Dad, meanwhile, is being Scrooge-of-the-Glen and refusing to ask any of us to go there for Christmas because ‘he can tell we don’t really want to’. (Dad, honestly, it’s not about you. At least, this time it isn’t).

I’m avoiding the inlaws (H’s lot) because I can’t deal with their inability to deal with my miscarriages. I’m not sure why H is avoiding his lot. I’m not sure H is sure.

So, our plan this year, like last year, is to spend the day in our pyjamas, eating our faces off and getting quite tipsy and watching the Dr Who Christmas Special in absolute peace. It’s the least we deserve.

We finished Pikaia’s candle at last, so this evening we lit a bright new one, not just for our losses, but also for Illanare’s, tonight of all nights, and for everyone who is finding Christmas a bit of an arse, really, given the relentless emphasis on babies and children and family wonderfulness and togetherness and sweeping miserable and sad things under the carpets and then decorating the resultant mound with tinsel.

Last year, I wished I could be pregnant for Christmas. I was, even though I didn’t know it for a few more days. This year, forwarned, I carefully did not wish to be pregnant for Christmas. So I’m not. Oh, ha bloody ha, Universe.


10 responses to “Be careful what you wish for

  • a

    Since your track record seems to be pretty good, how about you wish for the presence of your very own shiny, healthy newborn to be present for next Christmas? Maybe that would work?

    Enjoy your peace and quiet…and really? A Dr. Who Christmas special?

  • Illanare

    Thank you, dear lovely May. I’m thinking of you, too, and wishing you – oh so many good things but for now mostly peace.
    Also – Dr Who Christmas Special – YAY!

  • Betty M

    Have a peaceful day you two. Hoping for better things for you next year.

  • Daisy

    merry christmas, May & H. Your plan for the day sounds idyllic! But maybe I say that because mine is spookily similar…. xx

  • Womb For Improvement

    Eurydice is the perfect name for this little one. So sorry you didn’t get to see her before she disappeared.

    We’re having Christmas with just the husband and I and my equally conceptionally inept womb-mate and husband. Because Christmas isn’t all about the children sometimes it is about getting plastered. Mind you we’ll be joined later by some mates one of whom is 7 month pregnant – but at least knowing that now we’ll be spared a shock pregnancy announcement (and they know what is going on so won’t be banging on about the joy of kids and pain of pregnancy – I hope).

    Have a good day.

  • Teuchter

    I shall be lighting a small candle and thinking about you and H and the wee lights that glimmered so briefly. And I shall be hoping for something better in 2011.
    Much love

  • Melissia

    Am thinking of you both and am also planning on the Dr Who Christmas Special, which is being broadcast tonight in the states. A first, no delay, very exciting, actually rearranged the holiday to include a watching party. Bit of a who freak.
    Hope your jam jams are warm and the drinks are cold.

  • twangy

    Just hugs and relief that you did not have to go to the hospital.
    Thinking of you.

  • Korechronicles

    Thinking of you dear May and H and wishing hard for better days ahead.

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