No kiss goodnight

Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We lit a candle – in fact, the same candle as we’ve lit since I lost Pikaia. We only ever light it when we want to ceremonially think Dead Baby Thoughts, so I suppose it’s a good sign that it hasn’t burn down altogether yet. I counted up all the people I know, face-to-face or online, who’ve lost pregnancies and babies, and felt sick to my stomach. So many. So, so many. And the cruelty of it – all that hope, all that longing, the damage left in its wake. Physical as well as mental and emotional.

We had friends staying, and I had dinner to make, booze to drink, company to enjoy. So I lit the candle early and left it burning for the entire evening. Every now and then, in the midst of the chatter and laughter, I turned to look at it, ostensibly to check it hadn’t set fire to the blinds.

At bed time, I stooped and blew it out – sleep well, my darlings. Sleep well, everyone’s darlings.

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