The irony hath entered her soul

Item – I went to the chemist on Sunday afternoon, and I bought a bottle of low-dose aspirin, containing 100 75mg tablets, and it cost me £1.09. For 50 days’ supply. For a month and most-of-the-next-month’s supply. A whole pregnancy’s worth, 270 days or so, would cost less than £6. Less than $10. Just over €7. I have lost five pregnancies.

Item – I wonder how much 270 days’ worth of low molecular weight heparin costs?

Item – While I was at the chemist’s, I saw they had a special offer on boxes of ‘mother-and-father-to-be’ vitamins – each box contains two bottles, a pink one and a blue one. H had got these before, and I had been highly amused by them. Pink pills in pink bottles with a picture of a pregnant lady on the label, blue pills in blue bottles with a picture of a man’s hand resting on a woman’s hand resting on a naked and absolutely flat tummy. Because men would rather think about getting her pregnant, and women would rather think about being pregnant. Obviously. And then I bought them.

Item – the other brand of ‘his&her conception’ vitamins has a smiling, fully clad couple on the box. He’s embracing her from behind (oo-er) and smirking out at us something ghastly. A picture of a dozen-or-so manly blue sperm approaching a big pink egg floats before them. I damn well hope we are already doing better than a mere dozen or so sperm a shot. I can only assume that the manufacturers are assuming that the purchasers of their product have blanked out Biology class. So I bought that box too (oh, hey, three-for-two offers. I am powerless). Also, the man-pill in this contains pine extract. What? Why? Is this some kind of sympathetic magic? Pine trees, tall and straight and vertical?

Item – My mother’s take on this diagnosis and treatment plan: Shouldn’t I actually be going to a Naturopath to prepare my body for my next pregnancy? H, who luckily took that phone-call, merely pointed out that aspirin is made out of tree-bark, and what could be more natural than tree-bark? I don’t know what I would have said. No doubt something so caustic even Ben Goldacre would have exclaimed ‘steady on, old girl.’

Item – Anyway, we are fully stocked up on conceptive aids, it’s cycle day 8, we’re both feeling hopeful. This will probably bite me on the bum in ten… nine… eight…. Faith in the future? Ah ha ha ha ha. Onwards.

11 responses to “The irony hath entered her soul

  • jo

    I really hope this is the answer for you!


  • Betty M

    Giggling at the oh so natural tree bark. H shows more excellent qualities in successfully deflecting well-meaning advocates of woo.

    PS clexane is about a fiver per jab.

  • manapan

    I love H’s answer.

  • L.

    Wishing you all the best. As for your mother, sometimes we must be thankful for the distance of the telephone, as it keeps us from reaching out and strangling unthinking commenters with our bare hands…

  • Twangy

    I’d love to meet the person (no doubt now departed) who thought of taking tree bark and using it as a blood-thinner/analgesic. What other curative substances might be lurking in the .. grass? weeds? Are we walking around on the cure for cancer?

    These are the things that concern me.

    As for the gender-specific colour-coding, that is another can of worms entirely. (Apparently pink was for boys, at one point. Heard this whole thing about it on Radio4.)

    Onward indeed, May. Onward with plan in hand, this time!
    I can’t help but be optimistic for you.

  • Ben Warsop

    >> H, who luckily took that phone-call, merely pointed out that aspirin is made out of tree-bark, and what could be more natural than tree-bark?

    The man is a gem and a genius.

    I wish you both good luck so much I can barely say it.

  • womb for improvement

    Keep the faith. And best of luck!

  • a

    I think H should have phone duty from now on. Although, he should have told your mother that you bought all those vitamins – except that he should have renamed them with herbal names.

    I can only hope that one year from now, you will reread this, holding your newborn, and experience a hormone rage unlike any ever seen before over all the unnecessary anguish that could have been solved with a few blood thinners. (Of course, then you’ll have to say that you had to experience it to figure out the problem – not that it makes it any better)

  • Allison

    Pine extract? Perhaps pines are quite fertile, what with all the blasted pinecones everywhere… Curious.

    Great answer, H!

    Oh, how I am hoping and crossing all my crossables for you, May!

  • Bryony

    go May and H – and enjoy on the way. XX

  • thalia

    LMH about £90 for 2 months as far as I can remember. And you could stop by 32 weeks.

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