Aggrandizement

Do you, oh Gentle Readers, remember mid-April chez nous? I was doing a magnificent job of convincing myself I was pregnant again, despite negative tests, and then my bastard period turned up on time after all, never mind.

But, you see, I had metal-mouth. And high temperatures until the last possible second (usually my temperature starts dropping a couple of days before the Crimson Menace sweeps in) (for those of you who don’t chart, or who don’t find it works for you, sorry, but it works for me. Therefore the temperature thing is highly indicative of, well, stuff). And nausea. And the godawful throwing up when the bleeding started. And basically, I felt like I have felt on occasions when I have been realio, trulio, medically certified pregnant.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned the above vapouring to H. Hell, I was getting bored of the squeak of the ‘was I, wasn’t I?’ hamster-wheel and wanted to share. To my, well, my disconcertment, I suppose, H took it all quite seriously. Not only that, he shared his own conviction that I’d been a teensy smigeon knocked-up, and that it had been another chemical pregnancy.

(The same thing happened in August 2009. I had every single possible early pregnancy symptom except the, well, pregnancy, (oh! Oh! And there was vomiting during the bleeding!) and wound myself up into a pretzel of embarrassed rage because I was so sure I had been but had no. Sodding. Proof. But I’ve been Really Pregnant With Medical Drama a couple more times since then and, well, I have a lot more faith in my gut instinct (gut instinct! Gut! Get it? Oh, never mind) these days. So).

Which is all well and good (not really), and would indicate that H’s sperm and my eggs love each other with an unhallowed and doomed passion à la Tristan und Isolde because crikey fishnuts, how many times have I been pregnant now?

In any case, I was just going to fling it into the heap of Things May Havers About, Especially At 3AM, and carry on. But H had rather got his teeth into the idea, and decided we needed to let The Professor know about these possible chemicals. So he added them to the massive medical history questionnaire. Oh, not behind my back, not at all. I was there, I said ‘well, I suppose, yes, then.’ At the time, I was feeling very pro my gut instincts (possibly because I was feeling very anti my NHS gynaecology team and their Enormous Meh).

And now I have anxst. Because while three of my miscarriages involved More Medical Drama Than Strictly Necessary, Damn It, and are therefore On Record, the two possible chemicals? So easily dismissed as the neuroticism of a very neurotic woman being neurotic about getting pregnant.

Including them in our ‘stats’, as it were, feels like cheating, or artificially inflating my score (because there are Cups and Medals for habitual aborters, and all the accolades society can throw at us, right?). To not include them also feels like cheating. The fact that H, who is the level-headed, phlegmatic, less imaginative partner in this (I am wildly imaginative. So, ‘less’ in no way implies H is deficient in imagination, just as the Irish Sea is in no way deficient in salt water just because it shares a planet with the Pacific) – where was I? Oh yes. The fact that H is convinced I was pregnant both times, if only for a couple of days, brings me up rather short. Why the hell would he wish that on me, on us, if he didn’t feel sure? Why the hell would I wish that on us, if I didn’t feel sure? We’ve had our Regulation Standard Three (and therefore the NHS mandates investigation) so it’s not as if we’re trying to convince anyone we need investigating.

It’s just, if I am getting pregnant every other bloody month, isn’t it useful information? Isn’t it?

P.S. – This is exactly why I bought the Extremely Sensitive Internet Pee-sticks, by the way. The whole ‘was it a miscarriage?’ mental head – well, not fuck exactly. Head-grope? – in April.

P.P.S. – And, this is exactly the wrong moment for anyone to tell me that eighty-bazillion-and-three percent of all conceptions end in ‘chemical’ pregnancies but most women don’t know because they are not neurotic obsessives and anyway, don’t have a fucking clue when they ovulate and have normal healthy pregnancies as and when they want them so the whole subject of what is going wrong never arises in the eternal sunshine of their spotless minds. I’ll take several dozen chemicals in exchange for having got to keep Pikaia. Hell, several dozen plus the other two miscarriages plus a hysterectomy plus my eye-teeth and a leg. I’m running low on grandmothers, or I’d sell one of them as well.

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16 responses to “Aggrandizement

  • a

    Um, are you seriously wondering about whether you should include every last bit of information when you have your consult with the specialist? If you want to be all coy about it, feel free, but you should include everything you know and everything you suspect. Then you get a better chance of the doctor solving your problem. Don’t let your research go to waste.

    In fact, you should probably exaggerate. Tell them you can give birth to ducks and elephants, but you’re having trouble with human children. That’ll get their attention.

  • Betty M

    Totally right to include them in my view. It’s not like you are saying that every single cycle you are sure you are pregnant even if a regular pee stick says no – these two were qualitatively different from a normal cycle and therefore merit being included. The esteemed Professor needs to get the picture that you ( and H) are totally clued up about your insides and their workings. Take along a pile of your charts too. No grannies left to flog your behalf but sure could fine some lesser spotted relatives to sell in their place.

  • Twangy

    I would put them in. I totally believe you’re right, sad to say. Who better than you to know? Also, I reckon chemicals do happen, all the time.

    I also believe you because I have been there, and I believe ME, too, and I know there are a group of particular sensations/symptoms that add up to That Feeling and it’s unmistakable. Even if it’s hard to describe in medical terms.

    So tell them, I reckon. I don’t see the harm in it.

  • manapan

    I agree with A. If charting works for you, then I think you know. And I think they’ll agree.

  • carole

    I think the docor will want to know about them. During the time that they were trying to figure out just what the hell was my problem, I suspected that I had had a few chemicals. I mentioned it casually to the doc, thinking that they “wouldn’t count”, but found that she not only thought they counted but added them to my medical records in large type so every doctor and nurse from then on consoled me for my 5 miscarriages. Which made me feel like a big fat fraud because I personally only tended to count the one ectopic, when I had “proper” evidence rather than odd cycles and sort-of-there lines from Dr Sodding Clearblue.

    However the fact that she added them must mean that docs generally like to know these things. And it gave them extra stuff to talk about when I was eventually sat in the hospital with pre-ecclampsia at 20 weeks….but that’s another story.

  • The Sheila

    I too had similar feelings to you with two cycles that I thought had worked, even though the pregnancy tests said otherwise. I mentioned them to do the fertility specialist when I first saw him and he noted them in my file and probed about why I thought those cycles had he worked (e.g. raised temp until last minute etc). His opinion was that it was valuable additional information and whilst neither of us could ever prove I had been pregnant, it helped him to move towards a potential diagnosis, which ended up being immune issues.

    So you are right to put the information on the form – the worst the Prof can say is that it wasn’t proven and therefore can’t be counted, which would leave you in the exact same position as not telling her the information. So you’ve nothing to lose by telling her and potentially a lot to gain if it helps her towards a diagnosis for you both…..

  • arminta

    May, 3 of my 6 losses were EXACTLY what you have described as your two chemicals. Lots of symptoms and high temps early on, only to have that bitch period start within a day or two of on time. I also felt like I was artificially inflating my score to include them, as “I had no proof.” However, my doctors had a different take and were glad for the info.

  • Hannah

    May,
    As the others before have so well articulated. . . Trust. Your. Instincts. I have learned this lesson the hard way time and time again. You know your body so much better than anyone else could, and The Professor needs every bit of info you can give her. Glad H is there with you.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I have much to say, but will confine self to mere fact that I spent most of Tuesday staring dementedly at evaporation lines. I’m sure they were evaporation lines. Except maybe they weren’t. Or probably they were. I dunno. Maybe. Perhaps. Dunno. Maybe. Perhaps. Etc.

    I wish nothing on you except the very finest this life can provide, but I do think that they quite likely were, and they are certainly worth mentioning to The Professor. Glowing Wicks as well as Tragically Snuffed Flames will all be of interest to her, I’m sure.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Have just noticed potential double entendre in Glowing Wicks.
    Oo-er.

  • womb for improvement

    It is certainly worth mentioning to the Prof. If not as ‘fact’ but at least ‘this may have happened’ – let them decide what to do with the information. It might not change what they werre going to suggest, or inform just that little bit more.

  • katie

    I always felt bad about the “was it a dodgy pregnancy test or was it a chemical pregnancy” cycle [test didn’t work properly, cycle a couple of days longer than normal]. Not because it was bad to tell them, but because it meant they had 1 extra miscarriage down and I had to keep thinking about that one too. So I know where you’re coming from.

  • Nina

    I believe the responses are unanimous. Tell it, sister! No information is bad information when it comes to a new doc and your history. Don’t be afraid to walk him page by page through your file, either. That’s what he’s there for, and if he wants to treat you effectively, he needs to know it.

  • Korechronicles

    No such thing as Too Much Information for members of the medical profession. That’s their stock in trade, like detectives, every little detail that seems unimportant might be The Big Fat Clue that helps them solve the mystery. Or at least brings them closer to solving it. Or just makes it more of a complicated mess.
    Hmmm, I’m not going well here, am I?

    Tell. It feels so much better when you do.

  • Claire

    I had exactly the same feelings every other (ish) month over a 3 year period. My consultant suggested trying the 6 days early pregnancy tests. I did and I was right. So far this year I’ve had 3 chemical pregnancies. I’m no tested any more because its depressing but it is useful info. I’m going to try immunology testing next.

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