I have so many things to whine about

Item – My ovary is a twat-weasel. She actually went and pretended to ovulate last Sunday. And I was so sure it was ovulation, even though it was on day 10 of the cycle (which led to a WTF spiral-of-doom anxiety attack all of its own). Actually, Satsuma had merely filled herself to bursting with gasoline, cackled like Muttley, and lit a match. Or something similar. Once the conflagration had burned itself out, my temperature went back down and we are back to The Waitening.

Item – H is going away on another business trip on Sunday. And won’t be back until Wednesday night. What are the odds Satsuma the twat-weasel will pop on Wedneday at dawn, making sure I am unfertilizable this cycle?

Item – Adenomyosis is a variant of endometriosis. Only, rather than randomly scattered about the pelvis, the excess and mutinous endometrial tissue is growing in the wall of the uterus itself. Every month, in synch with the rest of the uterine lining, it swells up and bleeds. Only, the blood has nowhere to go. So it… goes nowhere. Ohhh, that sounds pleasant.

Item – Current treatments for adenomyosis – chemical castration by Danazol (androgenic steroid, worst possible thing for a PCOS girl), or GnRH agonists (Lupron. You’ll have heard of it). Some clinics report good results from Mirena coils, as the progesterone slows the growth of all that misplaced endometrium. Only cures – surgical castration by hysterectomy. Or, waiting for the menopause. Can anyone spot the problem here?

Item – Yes, exactly. All ‘treatments’ make it absolutely, cast-iron, totally, utterly impossible to get pregnant.

Item – Admittedly, temporary reprieves can be granted by getting (and staying, ah hah hah hah) pregnant, and breastfeeding. Fuckin’ A.

Item – So, from now on, every time I stagger back to bed from the loo, feeling sick and faint and and knowing that my bladder is going to take less than an hour to fill to a point where it presses directly on the fiery haematoma in the front wall of my uterus and make me wish I was dead, I will do so in the knowledge that this is a choice I made. I choose to endure this, in the faint hope I will still have a baby, a living one. I will do this for the sake of that merely possible baby.

Item – This is not a choice any woman should have to make, and God-damn-fuck but it isn’t fair.

Item – Anyway. I got a good look at myself in the mirrored lift at work this morning (brown cords, bottle-green sweater remarkably like the one I used to wear as part of my school uniform, dark grey bags under the eyes), and I thought ‘bloody hell, I dress like a depressed tree.’ I then mentally reviewed the sartorial troops back home and felt very, very frumpy. So I bought a frock on the way home. With sequins on.

Item – This has everything to do with The Big Posh Do at my mother’s tomorrow evening.

Item – I don’t want to have to explain adenomyosis to my mother, even in a spangly frock. I don’t want to have to explain it to anyone. Maybe if I forget to mention it, it’ll take the hint and cease to exist.


12 responses to “I have so many things to whine about

  • Ben Warsop

    That’s the very definition of a complete and utter bitch-slap.

    Oh my dear.

    Fascinating Aïda felt the same way about sparkly frocks. They even wrote a song called ‘Sew on a sequin’. Doesn’t help much though.

  • Solnushka

    Will it help, though, to know what it is that’s causing the pain, rather than the great unknown? *Sees May eyeing her balefully* No, probaby not. Pain is pain. And it isn’t fair.

    Go you in the frock though.

  • a


    But, a pretty dress and a Posh Do could lighten your mood for 15 or 20 minutes.

    It is most decidedly not fair.

  • Heather

    My uterus cringes, still, reading that. Unfortunately, I bet it is just as painful as it sounds. I’m sorry.

    The physical pain is bad enough but the emotional and mental mind fuck that goes along with it is just cruel and unusual torture. Not fair. Not fair at all.

  • twangy

    Very and horribly woeful on all fronts. Really sorry you are going through this. Oh, come on, good times, where ARE you?

    Sequins? I love the spirit. Good on you.

  • Secret D

    I fully appreciate what you are going through but the comment about looking like a ‘depressed tree’ just made me laugh out loud.

    Glad to hear that your gut reaction was to go shopping. Shopping is definitely the answer. Hope the sequins shine bright.

  • meganlisbeth

    may, may, may
    will you share a picture of your beautiful self in the spangly dress? even if only posted for a short while?
    i’m glad you have a spangly dress.
    i’m sad and mad that you have to endure the rest of it. for f%^$’s sake, it’s well past time for it to be YOUR time.

  • Korechronicles

    Is it pruning season in Old Blighty already? Replacing the tree get up with sparkly dress sounds like a find idea to me.

    And my hippy-dippy mother told me over and over again that taking to my bed in agony was quite simply the victory of mind over matter. I thought my periods would be painful so they were. QED. I just needed to grow a pair, get up and CARRY ON.

    Pregnancy did work at giving adeno the arse…sometimes for quite a few years afterwards. So what a bonus…a baby and a reprieve. But, like the prodigal son, it would eventually return in all it’s sadistic glory. Mind over matter? Bullshit.

    My own doctor, who took it all very seriously, bless her, had a bit of a theory of her own about the rapid increase of endometriosis and its Evil Stepsister. Seems the short spaces between the many pregnancies of our grannies and great grannies, often before the menses returned, may have helped protect them from Uterine Bastardry.

  • Korechronicles

    Fine idea. If you FIND my brain please send it back soonest.

  • thalia

    I was on zoladex (which I think is a lupron equivalent) for 3 months before each IVF cycle to keep the endo down. Worked for me. So is it worth trying for you? 3-6 months on zoladex followed by IVF or copulating like bunnies?

    So sorry about the diagnosis, it is just bollocks. Again.

  • katie

    I do find spangly frocks are quite a good cure for a lot of things. Fashion in general, in fact.

  • betty m

    Shit. I’m sorry that this is what it is. Is it connected to the m/cs or not?

%d bloggers like this: