How many items can you tick?

Item – I am being very much bothered by insomnia, free-floating anxiety, irritability, inability to concentrate, strong desire to cry, finding myself unable to cry whenever I’m tucked up somewhere safe where a good cry would be appropriate, total feeling of meh even where cool things like going to concerts and finding out-of-print books by intriguing authors are concerned. It’s making work absolute hell, even though work is being no more than normally infuriating, and I get home in a state of nervous prostration and spend the evening catatonic in front of the telly. Which I’m not really watching. Can’t concentrate.

Item – According to both Beck’s and Goldberg’s Depression Inventories I am severely depressed. No shit, Sherlock.

Item – Actually, Christ, that’s depressing, being officially depressed.

Item – I’m not sure why I even bothered looking any of it up because seriously? How the hell else am I supposed to feel?

Item – We had family over to dinner on Thursday, and we went out to a concert after work on Friday, and ended up in the pub discussing French anti-romantic composers. No, really, we did. We’re that kind of crowd. So I have actually been behaving like a properly socialised human. I don’t think the family and friends would have said I was severely depressed. A little subdued, perhaps. Not quite as quick and funny as usual. Impressively navy under-eye Louis Vuittons. But, you know, depressed? Never. Tired, that’s the word. May was tired.

Item – May is tired. And yet she has done nothing more strenuous all day than wave a half-empty lager bottle at the rugby and complain that the Azzurri are a bunch of bunchy bunchers who wouldn’t understand forward momentum if it chewed the arse out of their shorts (which, alas, it was doing in fifteen green jerseys).

Item – H is going to try and lure me out of the house tomorrow with promises of brunch. If we survive the brunch, we are going to The Big Park in the hope that stomping about in the cold fresh air looking at trees for hours on end will do me some good. Wish him luck.

Item – I am hoping everything will look a little less dismal if when if WHEN we get some answers from Miss Consultant on Wednesday. It was a royal pain in the betonkas, arranging a vast great wedge of the day off work so I can spend it being sneezed on in a hospital waiting room. I arranged an even larger wedge than necessary so I could try and wangle a visit with Doc Tashless before-hand, so I could have some idea of what these bedamned blood tests say and what that means. I feel the only way to defeat Miss Consultant’s glassy imperturbability is to be twice as well-informed as that, even.

Item – If Miss Consultant brings up the subject of my weight, I will kill her. Or myself. Possibly both. Only, I shall reserve the Death By Chocolate for myself.

Item – When I was a depressed and anxious teenager, I was thin as a damn stick and ate next to nothing for days on end. How? How did I manage it, how? And while you’re working it out, pass me another chunk of stuffed buttered paratha.

Item – It’s nearly midnight and I should be in bed. I don’t want to go. Lying awake in the dark listening to my heart pounding is only very, very slightly preferable to going to sleep and dreaming of ditches full of rain and dead brambles. My imagination can be ever so Brontë when it tries.


14 responses to “How many items can you tick?

  • manapan

    Nobody would blame you for crying whenever and wherever you feel like it. And if they do, well, you have my full permission to beat them senseless with two padlocks on a chain, or whatever improvised weaponry you might have available at the moment. Hoping you get good answers and start feeling cheery again soon. ((Hugs))

  • Ben Warsop

    Of course you’re bloody depressed. You are human, you’ve had a long series of events which cause depression. You’d be a scary robot thing if you weren’t.

    Unfortunately, I don’t have anything helpful or positive to suggest other tan all the usual crap, so I won’t. Sometimes all you can do is hang on in there and you are doing a good job of that already, what with concerts and walks and things like that. The best you can do is the best you can do, and your inner cast of perfectionists will keep your nose to that particular grindstone.

    Poor May. Poor H.

    *hugs to you both*

  • Illanare

    I have no knowing words of comfort or wisdom to offer. So instead I send hugs and – you know those massive bags of Maltesers you get at the cinema? Five of those.

  • Valery

    Mhm, maybe being depressed is officially OK? for now? And some days are a bit better and other days are not…. And after a while there will be more some days and less others…?

    For me, being depressed can make me loose interest in everything, including loosing my appetite. No consolation wanted, not even from my old friend Death by Chocolate.

    Give H a chance, go to the Park. Look at those trees and know that you can go back inside ad they have to stay out in the cold… 😉 (Make sure he hugs you more than those trees!)

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Oh, my poor sweet May.

    Some degree of depression, I feel, is inescapable. What Ben said.

    Please don’t hide the state of your current coping level from Doc Tashless?

    Hugs in abundance and many, many, many thoughts.

  • QoB

    my Saturday afternoon was spent exactly the same way, apart from the addition of banana curry and slagging Jonny Wilkinson for his odd semi-squatting habits.

    You keep doing what you’re doing. It’s allowed. Maybe you can get something short-term to help you sleep? Either way, best wishes for Wednesday. and answers, dammit, answers.

  • Betty M

    Depression strikes me as thoroughly appropriate response. It is unbelievably shitty though. Dr T may be of some assistance I hope.

  • Jo

    Item one describes how I’m feeling too these days. Can’t sleep, can’t do anything because I’m so damn exhausted, can’t focus, hating everyone and everything.

    I’m told that this passes in time. For now, I’m just surviving. And it sounds like you are too.

    Hugs to you in this most difficult of times.


  • Teuchter

    When life dumps serial piles of shitty stuff on you, it’s not surprising that depression ensues. But you know that.

    Be kind to yourself.
    Sending much love to you both.

  • twangy

    Poor, poor May and H. Keep going, brave heroes, keep going.


  • womb for improvement

    I don’t know what to say other than hang on in there.

  • a

    I, for one, would be surprised if you were not depressed. A certain, very important part of your life is currently…um….how shall I put it?…depressing right now. Let me rephrase…I would be CONCERNED if you were not quiet/tired right now.

    I’d say that your depression is not yet overwhelming, if you are still plotting on how to get Miss Consultant to be useful. Or plotting her death. Whichever works.

    Much luck with the upcoming appointment.

  • Secret D

    It’s not surprising to hear that you are depressed, you have been through so much this year already.

    Really hoping that things improve when you have your next appointment.

  • everydaystrange

    Of course you have The Depression. Wouldn’t it be weird if you didn’t? Of course you do. You’re mourning. This Hath Sucketh. I think HFF and I would escort you to a triple showing of “Old Yeller” if you didn’t to try to MAKE you upset, it’s part of how you need to handle this.

    Wait…you have paratha? I’ll be right over.

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