I had taken the morning off work so I could peaceably trundle down to Mothership Hospital after the main onslaught of rush-hour, and had had no intention at all of leaping out of bed the minute the radio-alarm came on. For muddle-headed reasons neither of us can fathom, H nevertheless went straight into his ‘prising May out of bed’ routine*.

I therefore started the day somewhat lacking in gruntle. The lack of sleep, you see. Very disgruntling. Also, does something destructive to my powers of reason.

Anyway, answers! We need answers! So, as the EPU nurse was taking my blood, I quizzed her about the lack of proper bleeding. She pointed out on my notes that my always-pretty-low HCG had been going down very slowly, and under those circumstances it is not unusual to merely spot non-stop for over two weeks (like what I did). I mentioned that I hadn’t spotted for days now. That too is normal. Last time I had an ultrasound my lining looked thin, so I may even not bleed at all until ‘my cycle re-establishes itself’.

Not sure what I make of that.

I then tried to cajole my recurrent miscarriage blood tests out of her. Oh, please, I said, pleasepleaseplease I’m in limbo here please? Senior Doctor hasn’t got back to me and I don’t know what’s going on please?

She duly checked on the computer system and said, yes, my results were there, but she didn’t know what they meant and couldn’t interpret them for me. I asked for a print-out, at least, and she shook her head mournfully. She can’t interpret them for me. Oh, she could tell me my FSH. It was 3. But not the others.

I could see them on the screen, just slightly out of my focal length. Argh.

But wait! I can ask my GP for them, apparently! My GP can access the Mothership computer system and print them out for me and tell me all about them! That’s the best solution! Yes? Yes! OK? I mean, God forbid that anyone attempts to interpret their own blood test results. That way madness lies.

And as I opened my mouth to point out once again that I didn’t want her to interpret them, just GIVE THEM TO ME FOR CRIKEY’S SAKE, she added, very firmly, ‘you must not try to get pregnant until after you’ve been seen by the clinic.’

Now this was an excellent tactic for getting me to shut the fuck up, because I was stunned into total, meek, compliant silence for a good few minutes. And then I promised to go and talk to my GP. And then I left.

Work did not utterly suck, and I even did a (very) small amount of whateverthehell it is they pay me to do. Something to do with books? Possibly. I remember there were books. And… shelves?

The EPU did not call me back until I was on the train heading home again (oh, perfect timing).

My HCG has, now, finally gone down to ‘less than one’. Less than one! You couldn’t get less pregnant if you were monk. I felt relieved and pleased and miserable and weepy all at once, and have continued to do so all evening.

And when H got home, we Discussed Contraception (or, H looked wistful while I added ‘condoms’ to the shopping list). Because, while The Positive Thinking Fairy is quite sure the nurse was just being boiler-plate cautious, had no idea what the tests meant, yada yada, every other nerve in my body has joined Bitter McTwisted in the ‘she wouldn’t tell you because she knows it’s baaaaaad‘ corner and tonight I shall not sleep and Lord alone knows if I shall ever sleep again.

PS – FSH of 3 during luteal phase (I was 6dpo when the test was taken). Any thoughts?

*(Nag. Make tea. Place tea out of May’s reach in next room. Tell May all about the lovely steaming tea. Nag some more. Gently remove duvet. Firmly re-remove duvet. Look reproachful when May, standing in the kitchen with one sock and no bra on, complains the tea is cold).


16 responses to “Done

  • Solnushka

    She said _what_? And then refused to say anything else? Bloody hell! Is this who blood test debacle some kind of conspiricy to turn you into a dribbling wreck or what?

    Look, hate to be on PTF’s side, but I can think of some interpretations which don’t mean it’s all baaaaad. PErhas she saw the bredth of tests and _assumed_ for example. People can be remarkably unsensitive to the potential interpretations of their lightest utterances sometimes.

    Not that it’ll help until you’ve seen Dr Tashless though. Emergency appointment tomorrow? And I’d settle in with a hot chocolate and some comfort reading rather than try to sleep.

  • Solnushka

    Sorry. Am reduced by your doctor’s to handing out advice. Ignore it at will! But accept the hugs.


  • QoB

    what the…? isn’t it YOUR information to start with? and if she couldn’t interpret it, then why was she prescribing a course of action for you on the basis of it?

    argh. hopefully the trusty GP will sort it out….

  • Blanche

    ::goes and finds brick wall, bangs head upon it multiple times on your behalf::

    Not that it helps you in the never-bloody-ending quest for why the frack, but many sympathies that the system is not set for full-ahead go on getting you answers and positive forward movement.

  • Amanda

    It drives me up a freaking wall when they won’t give you your own damned test results. They’re YOURS by God!

    I hope you’re able to get the results interpreted, soon. I more than hope that they’re not as horrible as you’re building them up to be.

    I’m glad your beta is finally down to negative. I know it’s very bittersweet, though.

    Thinking of you.

  • a

    Cheers to the medical community for assuming that everyone is an incompetent moron who is dying to self-treat! Like printing out your test results would have resulted in anything other than hours of fruitless Googling…

    I really do not understand you who do not immediately pop out of bed when the alarm goes off. It’s not like you get any decent sleep during the snoozing time. Dozing off and being reawakened REALLY annoys me. But the image of your wakeup routine brings me a very amusing mental picture…

  • g

    It’s standardised for CD 3, really. ALso, uninterpratable without your estrodiol number- high estrogen will suppress pituitary FSh output.

    Saying congratulations on being unpregnant soulds horrid, and realy? They won’t just GIVE you your own results? Bonkers.


  • Twangy

    Oh bloody hell, what are these people? The high priests of our culture? They are the only ones to be in the lofty position of being able to interpret while we underlings scrape around for understanding. MADDENING. It’s YOUR body.

    It’s probably hospital policy or some other crap like that. But really.

    I hope today is better.

    (Loved the description of rise-and-shine scene chez May. V good.)

  • katie

    I was also under the impression that you can’t tell anything from FSH if it’s not on CD2-3.

    I think they all have a sticker with “don’t TTC for at least 3 months after a miscarriage” printed out multiple times the minute they start working in a gynae clinic. But I do also know that the St Mary’s clinic doesn’t like you to TTC unless they’ve finished all the investigations BUT my clinic (which is also pretty good on the whole) says go ahead if you want to.

  • Secret D

    AWARD Alert! I’ve nominated you for an award. Apologies if you have already received it. Please see my blog for details.

  • jodie38

    Sweet Jesus. Nobody will give you your own results, no matter what the country or the health care system. Here it’s primarily because the doctors don’t want to get their collective asses sued off, and the office staff isn’t going to take any sort of risk when that’s the doc’s job.

    Hang in there, May – things have just got to turn around for you guys soon….

  • meganlisbeth

    this may be a reach, but my GP will have bloodwork results copied to me if i ask her to. is it possible for you to ask for this too?
    i think FSH is at it’s lowest during the luteal phase. that said, i also think it has to be tested during CD 2-3 to get a meaningful number.
    i am so not helpful.
    i long to be, though.
    i wish i knew why getting information about yourself is as difficult as it is. it makes no sense. as if we’re not smart enough to know what to do with information about ourselves. it’s so frustrating.
    i’m glad you have at least one nice doctor in the mix. that can make all of the difference. i remember when i had my d&c with an ob i had never met before…he was the warmest, nicest man EVER and that alone made things so much easier after dealing with royal asshats at the fertility clinic (among others).
    take good care of yourself, may. i’m with jodie38. things have GOT to turn around for you guys soon.

  • Betty M

    Pleased to see you are out of beta hell. Hopefully you are also clutching a sheaf of results from Dr Tashless. After my last D&C I asked the when can I resume question and was told just leave it one cycle.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Over, not with a menstrual bang, but a drawn-out whimper. Or something. And in as much as miscarriages are ever over, of course.

    Doc Tashless is a chap with a brain who recognises that you are a woman with a brain. I have High Hopes of any subsequent conversation between you. A good GP is a bloody good friend to have when everyone else is playing silly buggers.

    And there are oh! so many silly buggers to contend with, not least nurses who give Dark Utterances, when they very probably only mean to convey Sensible Caution. Grrrrooowwwl.

  • Lesley

    so glad your hcg is down. I had a weird sort of party when mine dropped to “below 2” as they put it. Hope you get more info soon.

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