File under: ‘May have overdone the caffeine’

Gentle readers, you’ve all made me cry. So many of you peeking out of the undergrowth or wandering over from LFCA, just to let me know I am not alone (even if I play one on television). (Incidentally, whoever gave my name to LFCA, I hug you. I hug you madly).

In all news TMI, I have thoroughly confused my uterus. I started spotting this afternoon, and was all thank-fuckitty. Cute Ute gave me a startled look and texted: ‘Srsly? Cuz I thot we wuz all about the NO BLEEDENING NOT NOW NOT EVAH!’

‘Well’, I texted back (and I always spell my texts correctly and leave in all the articles. I used to proof-read for money. Eat my shorts) ‘That was when we still hoped Zombryo would make some kind of half-assed go at staying alive. Now that we can be sure Staying Alive is not on the agenda, we, the Management, would like the eviction to proceed as quietly, painlessly and above all quickly as possible. Carrying the dying remains of my beloved husband’s and my commingled DNA about for weeks gives me the heebie-jeebies.’

‘U iz 20 kinds of fuckin indecisive, man.’

I’m indecisive? This from an organ that has spent the past three years playing ‘is you is or is you ain’t mah fibroid?’

‘Talk to the fimbriae, cuz the fundus ain’t listening.’

‘Dear Christ, what’s with the attitude, Uterus? Listen, you’re 35 already. I’d say bloody act like it, but there’s so many ways that could backfire it gives me a headache.’


‘Bring it on, bitch.’


‘Oh, yeah.’

‘OK. Okay. O. KAY.’

And then everything went silent. Hello? Hellooo in there? Cute? Are you listening? Anyone?



19 responses to “File under: ‘May have overdone the caffeine’

  • nilreturns

    And this, ladies and gentlemen, is before she’s started on the drugs.

  • Cathy

    Oh May

    Heaps of sympathy from a long time lurker


  • Jo

    How in the world you can be so fucking FUNNY is beyond me. 😀 I totally needed this laugh today. If it will help, I’ll drop by and give C.U. “da bizness”. Not that she’ll listen to me. . . .


  • Blanche

    Didn’t C.U. get the memo about the lease being terminated? Shame.

    I am amazed at your being able to find humor in a situation which would find me yet again prostrate with frustration and sorrow.

  • Mary

    Just LMAO over here don’t mind me

  • a

    I don’t know whether to be happy or sad that CU has stopped talking to you…happy because maybe you don’t need a straightjacket, but sad because your conversations are so entertaining. Will ponder some more…

    So, bleeding is good in this case, CU. Deal with it.

  • Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos

    Sorry I’m late, May. Sending you all sorts of bear hugs and the occasional F@#k, F@#k, F@#k…

  • Poppy

    Too funny. Not the reason you want the Cute Ute to cooperate but the texting stuff 😉

  • Katie

    Hmm… well this is why I went for the medical management first time round but I was sooo much further on than you… send in the bailiffs perhaps?

  • Katie

    (and the last was not, you do know, meant to be “mine was worse” but simply “mine was much easier to make a decision about”)

  • arminta

    I love that you can be funny right now.

    And, can totally sympathize with not wanting to carry around the not aliveness. It’s a very creepy feeling.

  • Twangy Pearl

    “Talk to the fimbriae, cuz the fundus ain’t listening.”
    HA HA! Brilliant.

    I absolutely approve of caffeine as creative stimulus. Nothing would ever be made without it, I reckon.
    And I hope fervently that this can be over for you as simply and painlessly as possible.

  • Jem

    You are the best. I just wish you weren’t going through this and C.U. was cooperating more.

  • Betty M

    Hoping that she is getting on with it now. Did the mothership offer to help things along?

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    It’s lucky that I know that the worst of your times bring on the best of your dark humour, else this post would indubitably have slain me deader than toast with unexpected laughter-overload.

    And, and, and, I have been toe-tapping and humming Is you is or is you ain’t mah fibroid? for the last 3 hours. Can’t. Stop. Humming.

    U iz 20 kinds of fuckin incredible, woman.

  • Melissia

    May, You are so very funny. I have a very odd thought that I am just going to share with you. It may be very out in left field, as so many of my thoughts are, but bear with me, and may have absolutely nothing to do with anything, but my guess is that you will start to bleed right about the time that your period would be due to start if you would not have been pregnant this time. I found that many women would naturally miscarry or have breakthrough bleeding during the first 4 week and the 8 week and sometimes then the 12 week time during their pregnancies due to dips in progesterone production. For many women this is normal event to have a small amount of scary spotting and we would see them at the hospital and others would come in to miscarry at that time with a very very low beta but be 8 weeks pregnant.
    I think some studies have been done that you can reference, I hope this helps you. Take care.

  • Mary

    I know that this was, what, 7 months ago now? but have been reading your whole blog over the past few weeks (Oh my goodness, I would like to send you a hug too) and just wanted to say that this post is perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I have officially sprained my not-very-apparent-at-all stomach muscles from laughing too much.
    I do hope that Cute Ute behaves herself at some point in the not-too distant present.

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