How long, oh Lord, how long?

Beta: 29. Down from 37 in 48 hours.

A little while after thanking the nice doctor for this information, which is, you know, dreary and sad but at least Zombryo isn’t ripping me a new one somewhere important, and for giving me the follow-up plan of ‘come back in exactly one week for another beta test’, it occurred to me that I hadn’t asked any of the really quite pressing questions I did actually have.

So I’ll ask you guys. Some of you might know.

  1. Am I going to bleed again? (At a guess, almost certainly I will. Heigh ho).
  2. OK then, when will I bleed? Keeping in mind I bleed like a punctured fire-hose, it’s quite important to me (and no doubt to my colleagues) that I don’t start that at work.
  3. I’m taking the tearing pain for granted, and I do have a fair amount of co-codamol on stand-by, and a prescription for more. We’ll just draw a veil over that aspect of it all. I’m braced, much in the manner of someone in a tumbril (But it would nice to know when).
  4. I am missing a hell of a lot of work. Again. Work are being sweet as anything about it, but seriously, how long is this going to take? When can I go back? Should I go back while waiting? No, scratch that. That is mental. See punctured fire-hose above. Remember how much I bled in October, when I was barely four weeks pregnant. The lavatories at work are seriously not a good place to miscarry.

In other issues currently bugging me, I received a letter from the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic this morning. Aaaaaaaand… it was merely a note from Senior Doctor, to my GP, and this being my courtesy copy, saying on the 7th of December I saw this lady did tests referred her back to the Assisted Conception Unit yada yada yada. No results. No dates for when I might see the ACU. No idea what my blood test results say. No idea, in fact, whether this latest miscarriage was preventable. Or predictable.

The thought that H and I have been sucker-punched while still on our knees from the last go-round, and this, oh, if only by an infinitesimal maybe, could have been prevented…

(There is a tiny room deep inside my head, and inside it I keep a version of me, who howls and punches the walls until her knuckles bleed).

Plan for tomorrow. Call RCM. They sent me a letter with their number on. They can take the consequences. Also, call the ACU and ask if they know anything about this referral. Count my sanitary towels. Go to the shops and fill my prescription for co-codamol. Stock up on ice-cream. Admire the snow while it lasts.

(H has posted again. He’s not exactly enjoying this either).


21 responses to “How long, oh Lord, how long?

  • arminta

    I’m sorry. So, so, sorry.

  • meganlisbeth

    i don’t have any answers to your questions.
    wrapping you in love.
    wishing i was close enough to come over with a comforting retro baked noodle casserole or something.
    i’m so sorry, may.

  • thalia

    anytime now really. I started to bleed with a beta of 8 one time, another time I bled about 3 days after a beta of 50. So I’d say by the weekend at the outside. So no, don’t go back to work.

    Off to comment w H now.

  • bir

    I’m sorry I don’t know the answers either. And I’m actually wondering the same and more myself right now. Sucks hey? Am thinking of you and hope that it all goes ‘gently’ for you x

  • Jo

    Oh, May.

    I wish I could be of more help. Or, at the very least, I could come by and bring you ice cream and listen while you vent/cry/scream/whatever. I am hating that you have to go through this.

    I only have my own miscarriage experience to relate back to. From my understanding, everyone’s is different. I miscarried at six weeks exactly and it didn’t last terribly long. A few hours of intense cramping followed by a huge gush of blood that contained the sac. After that, the bleeding slowed dramatically for a day or so. Following the u/s where we confirmed the m/c, I started bleeding again (not unexpected as my lining was still very thick). It lasted about a week, like an exceptionally heavy period. It has now slowed to spotting and I anticipate will be gone by the weekend. I have no idea how this correlates with my beta numbers — although I do know they were at 3745 the day before I miscarried and 1500 the day after. They were 300 on Monday (during the “period-like” days). I will go back again next week (like you) to see where they are then.

    I’ve heard that some women don’t bleed at all during a m/c — though I believe most of the time they are further along than we are when it happens.

    All this to say that it is, of course, nearly impossible to predict what will happen in your case. You know what happened last time, and are right to take precautions. If things don’t start moving along soon, I would ask my doctor what he/she suggests to do next.

    Again, I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. It’s a terrible experience for any woman, but even harder when it’s someone who has dealt with IF. I cannot even imagine how difficult it is a second time.

    Sending tons of hugs and bloggy love your way,

  • Lesley

    I don’t think you can predict how the bleeding will work either, unfortunately. In my experience, I bled off and on until my beta got down to about 2 (it was up to 1200 or so at its highest). The times of heaviest bleeding coincided roughly with when my period would have occurred. Other times, there was only spotting.

    If you think you can handle going to work, it might be a good idea. It helped me because it kept my mind off “things.”

    I hope this resolves really quickly, and you can get some more information about what is going on!

  • Kate

    I am so sorry for your loss


  • Melissa G

    My heart is heavy for you, I’m so very sorry for your loss.

  • g

    May, I am so sorry.

    You probably wont take all that long to bleed with a beta fairly low, but it is never entirely predictable.

    I know that does not help one whit.

    Much love


  • Vick

    May, this is such sad news. I think you are right to make plans to contact the clinics because you need to try and find some answers to your questions.

    Thinking about you and H.

    Vick x

  • Rach

    I’m so sorry to read this, please know you’re not alone, unfortunately there are way too many of us who have been here.

    As for your questions, I won’t attempt to answer because we are all different and none of my 7 miscarriages were the same as each other.

    Big hugs.


  • Twangy Pearl

    Sending love for lack of answers..

  • MeAndBaby

    I’m so very sorry. For me, I bled about 5 days after I stopped the progesterone. Sorry I can’t be of more help.

  • Katie

    I am so very sorry.

    I think it’s hard to predict with miscarriages. My lower beta losses were (physically, not emotionally) really like periods. I never used pads when I wasn’t miscarrying, so I think I was “seeing” more blood, but honestly, I don’t think I bled or cramped much more than usual. When I got to the six or more week mark, there was more cramping and a lot more clots. I know friend who have bled a LOT more that usual, even from their early-on losses. So, unfortunately, I think it depends on the person. I know tht’s not helpful, and I wish there was more that I can do.

    You are in my thoughts.

  • jodie38

    Ah yes – I know that mental room very, very well. For when you just need to howl…….I found that place pretty theraputic, I just got sick of spending so much TIME in there. :-/

    Wish I could tell you something definite but everyone’s experience is different when it comes to m/c’s. Not helpful at all. I know you’ve had enough of not knowing what to expect.

    There are no normals out here. Take all the time you can, do what feels right to you at the time. Ignore the phone, eat your ice cream and try to take care of yourselves.

    Hugs, May – thinking of you and H…

  • everydaystrange

    I remember bleeding for a long damn time with both miscarriages. And I remember the consequent period that came after the miscarriages being hellish as well. I was told by my GP and the specialist that I could use tampons though, and I did use those giant bichon frise tampons so that I could return to work because you’re right – the bleeding is immense.

    The tearing pain in the lady bits does end during the bleeding.

    The inside pain – as you and H both know – lasts a long while. A long, long while.

    Love to you both.

  • nh

    I’m sorry I don’t know the answer to your questions. However, DON’T GO BACK TO WORK – I say that as someone who started to miscarry at work! At the end of the day it’s only a job, your sanity comes first. Go fill your prescription, buy nice things and plan nice things.

    Look after yourself & H.

  • a

    I wish I had an answer for you. I started bleeding 5 days after my beta of 26, so I don’t know if that helps. I’m not a big bleeder, and so it wasn’t terrible, but more than normal. And my next period was early and more painful. Sigh.

    I spend some time in the room in my mind too – maybe we could trade, for some change in scenery. 🙂

  • Melissa

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    for my second miscarriage my highest beta was 31 and i started bleeding about a week after that.

    I’ll be keeping you and H in my thoughts.

  • Aunt Becky

    I’m just so very sorry.

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