Emotional Blackmail

See that link in the side-bar? It’s already half-way through (Inter)National Delurking Week.

At the moment I am getting at least 300 hits a day. I know some of you, bless your dear kind hearts, are clicking over here repeatedly to check I haven’t crash-landed in Drama Territory again while you were having lunch, which is inflating the figure, but still, even before this blog got all exciting I was getting 100 or so hits a day. You can’t all be googlers looking for ‘pins stabbed in nuts’ and ‘damn hemophiliacs’.

And I know I have 61 followers on Google Reader. Hello, you guys! I love you to bits for liking my nonsense that much.

You know where I’m going with this. You’re all intelligent and lovely.


Oh, go on. I’m house-bound and bored and scared and daren’t hope for anything wonderful in case I burst into tears right now and then have to take it all back next Monday. Say hi. Help a girl out of her Slough of Despond. Distract me from the drivelling sludge of terror filling my hind-brain. Tell me about YOU, I’d really love to know a little about YOU, (and how/why/when you found me, if you’re feeling generous about fuelling my slightly whiny ego). I’ve even enabled completely anonymous comments for the rest of the week, so you can carry on lurking really. Just, you know, rustle or something.

And a glorious 2010 to you all, whether you delurk or not. I love you either way.


47 responses to “Emotional Blackmail

  • Ben Warsop

    My name is Ben and I read May’s blog.

    I comment too, so I don’t know if I count in this thread.


  • MFA Mama

    Well you know that I am always reading. xox

  • The Sheila

    Hey there,

    Commented for the first time yesterday, but have been following you for a couple of months. Came across you via your comments on WFI and Xbox. I really enjoy your writing and am thinking of you regularly at the moment with all that you and H are going through.

    I’m also living in London and been TTC for 3+ years. Gave up on the NHS late last year and have gone private. We have just started an IVF with ICSI cycle, together with some immune system treatment (long story) – results in early Feb, so fingers crossed!

    Take good care of yourself and thanks for the delurking opportunity!

  • Katie

    It’s not a delurk just saying if any of you are UK bloggers don’t forget to leave us your blog link as I’m always looking for new ones to read.

  • Teuchter

    I’m not delurking either since I do comment here – but I will freely admit to checking very frequently without always commenting.
    You know us Salon types love you to teeny wee pieces and are frustrated that there’s not much we can do to help – except read and comment and worry that we might inadvertently or misguidedly say the wrong thing.


    ps – we also rate your other half very highly indeed – so give him a smooch from us

  • Mary

    Hiya May, I read absolutely regularly. I found you around the time you were pregnant with Pikaia. I saw your blog on the side of someone else’s blog, maybe it was Matt’s Maybe Baby blog or I can’t remember really! But yours has been my favorite (i’m in the US hence the spelling) for a while. Your writing is excellent, funny, not at all predictable and seems to come easy. It’s brilliant to read. But under all that is actually someone I want to read about because I care and wish the best for you and H as real life people, too. Anyway, I’ve commented once or twice but that still feels like lurking so here I am. I also read Julia’s Here Be Hippogriffs and a few other blogs that aren’t related to baby making. I love that you update regularly, too. Thanks, May, you are the best. Good luck getting through this almost-over week.

  • Secret D

    I’m also not delurking but felt that I should leave a comment!

  • bkwyrm

    I am Bkwyrm. I think I comment occasionally, but it’s very early here in Chicago, so my brain isn’t working yet.
    I have a husband and husband and two daughters (2 years old and 4 months old), and a masters degree in library science, but spent most of my working life (ie, before children) as a consultant doing competitive intelligence research.
    I think I started reading your blog via HFF, and am one of your Google subscribers. I always read, I don’t always comment (see above, with the toddler and infant).

  • a

    Does it count as delurking if you don’t actually lurk?

    Can’t quite remember how I found you – maybe through one of the Stirrup Queens productions, or maybe through HFF? But, I love your turn of phrase…

  • Sian

    I respond very well to emotional blackmail so I am de-lurking. Its a bit easier that going down & making the soup that I have been meaning to make for hours. Can’t remember how I found this blog, think via Everyday Stranger’s or HFF. Can easily waste hours reading lots of well written blogs, but lets hope my boss still thinks I am busy working! Live in the Shires, we have lots of snow today. Keeping fingers crossed for you & H.

  • Nicola

    Hi May,

    Guilty as charged, so thought I would delurk. Not sure how I came to find you – BarrenAlbion comments most probably. And I now notice that they have posted you on LFCA.

    I too am in London, but no IF blog (just a serial lurker). Also on the infertility track due to PCOS. So far we have one little boy as a result of a lot of time, hocus pocus, ART and finally IVF. The pony is currently saddled up in the hunt for a sibling. Unsurprisingly, a pregnancy did not cure me of infertility. Pants.

    I echo Mary’s comments. You write well; you are so inclusive of H and what you are going through together. And it is great that you update so regularly!

    I am really feeling for you this week. Waiting with hope is a bastard. Torture. I am not much of a commenter – I much prefer email, so email away if you like!

  • Carrie

    :::rustle rustle:::

    I’ve commented before but will do a little intro so you have something to pass the time and because you asked so kindly.

    Carrie – 30 – Ohio. Owns too many cats, reads too many blogs, woke up with a cold this morning. Has one awesome husband, one awesome dog, one awesome son thanks to IVF. We’re currently waiting on SA results to see what the sperm are up to and pursuing private domestic adoption. However, finding a birthfamily on our own is an interesting feat and I’m dropping hints to the hubster that I would be interested in trying foster care. He’s not there yet, but I have a feeling that may be our future which is exciting and terrifying all at once.

  • susan

    hi may!! i’m a lurker (although i think i commented once before) from New Jersey, USA of all places, haha (don’t hate me already). you are such a great, funny, descriptive writer that i always check in with you. wishing you all sunny days in 2010.

  • May

    Recently delurked here, I believe. Found you via HFF. Plus I see your comments on quite a few other blogs I read.

    I’m a southern Californian, PCOSer, biology professor, miscarrying mom to a 4 year old and a 2 year old who has been forbidden from ever being pregnant again due to High Medical Drama associated with my pregnancies.

    I’m glad you recognize how hard this all is on H. My husband is still working through the issues created by being married to High Medical Drama. Poor guys!!! Good thing their wives are so fabulous!!

  • lizvelrene

    Hi there. I can’t remember how I found you, probably from one of the many other blogs I lurk at, but I immediately added you to my Feeddemon. I am childless but not trying, not at all convinced that my crazy genes need to be passed along. But I am on pins and needles for you going through this madness. Hang in there. Love from Boston, USA!

  • Katie

    Hi, I am not really delurking, per se, as I actually have just been to your blog for the first time, compliments of the LFCA.

    I’m Katie, I have had 9 miscarriages, been blessed with one miracle IVF son who is 16 months old, and am suddenly, miraculously, pregnant on our own (11 weeks). I warn you about this, since you do have a lot of time on your hands to be internet-surfing, and I didn’t want you to click on my name hyperlink and find yourself unexpectedly in baby-pregnant-woman land.

    I will be saying lots of prayers and am giving you lots of cyber-hugs.

  • Valery

    I think I sent you an e-mail when I found you… You are in my Google Reader and I click over sometimes, does that count twice?
    Sorry, head not working today. Counting snowflakes with you from the sofa. Sometimes the world around us does grind to a halt from too many snowflakes…. Does look pretty from inside though.

  • Poppy

    *steps out from behind the plants*

    Hello. I believe I’ve commented once or twice. I read faithfully, however. I can’t remember where I stumbled upon your blog but have stuck around because I love your sense of humor and your writing style.

    I live in the US in Ohio. Been married for 26 yrs., have 4 children, 2 granddaughters, 1 grandson and a grandson in heaven. My life has been upside down and inside out for over a year now, blogging and blog reading is what has kept me sane.

    I continue to keep my fingers crossed that all works out for you and H!

  • L.

    I think I have commented once before. Found you via HFF. I don’t comment more partly because I don’t know what to say. I am pretty new to your blog, so am just learning about your history, and I am not IF (though I miscarried once, and it sucked), so sometimes I am not always sure of terminology or the implications of certain tests or events. And sometimes (like with this comment) I am afraid of unintentionally saying something hurtful or upsetting. So maybe it’s better for me to just listen. But I am thinking of you, and wishing you all the best.

  • Minawolf

    Not really a lurker but figured I’d raise my hand. I think I found you through Helen/Shannon. I do have you on my google reader but google is giving me a hard time at work (damn gov’t networks) so I come here directly now. Here’s hoping that things work out well for you!

  • andreajennine

    I think I found you through either Thalia or HFF. I live in the Chicago area. I’m due in May with a baby conceived via IVF #4.

  • Jane

    Hi I read,worry,cheer you on, smile, cry,rage, hope and check in on you very regularly and am now delurking !

  • Martin

    My name is Martin and I’m an alc… no, shit, wait, wrong thread.

  • arminta

    I don’t consider my self a “lurker” per-se, just a shitty commenter πŸ™‚ But, I’m here.

  • Betty M

    Not sure delurking is strictly apt for me but stopping by to say hello again.

  • Rivqah

    De-lurking from Frozen Tundra (okay, Minnesota), USA. I have no clue how I initially found your blog, I’m sure at the end of a series of blog links, but I’ve kept coming back because of your unique voice. As for me: Blogless by choice, childless not by choice. Married for going-on-ten years to a true “keeper.” Trying to figure out how far to go in terms of testing and all that without driving myself even further insane than I already am. Provider of Food and Clean Litter (and Occasional Neck Scritches and Warm Laps) to two delightful cats. Getting laid off next month, so it’s time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

    We spent our honeymoon in Britain, two lovely weeks (mostly England, one night in Edinburgh, and about 15 minutes changing trains in Wales), and hope to go back this summer for our 10th anniversary! Gotta make a list of all the cool places we missed last time…

  • Nina

    I’m not a lurker. We exchange comments regularly. I’ve been reading you for a year at least. I found you through Geohde’s site. I thought anyone that would name her blog Nuts in May had to be interesting!

  • Kelly

    De-Lurking here for your enjoyment….I found you through Peesticks via stirrup queens and have been reading for…umm…two years? a year? I dunno, been awhile. Love your writing style and humor, and also, that you love dr. who. I just knitted my DH the damn dr. who scarf from back in the day. 10 feet long and he want me to stretch it!

    Hmm, what else. I’m from Massachusetts, no blog, and been through the infertility wringer. Currently we’ve decided that my girl bits are quite possibly beyond redemption, and so we’re waiting for a domestic adoption placement.

    Anyway, that is me. Thanks for letting me follow along πŸ™‚

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I feel I have nothing to declare!

  • mrs spock

    Hi- just popping over to return the how-de-do. Hope the drama is staying at bay for the time being…

  • Anne

    Hi May,
    I am guilty as charged. Think I found you through Stirrup Queen, but have been an avid reader ie. lurker for more than 2 years now. Am on tenterhooks for you.
    From a fellow PCOSer

  • The Cheerleader

    I officially Deee-Lurk. It’s Deee-Liteful.

    I live in Australia and spend my time biting the inside of my cheeks and nodding vaguely when 15 people in one week (yes, I keep count) ask me when I’m going to have children.

    I don’t tell them that my baby is dead because then I’d have to hit them when they say ‘these things happen for a reason’.
    of practice at smiling after being kicked in the head.

    • The Cheerleader

      This is why I don’t post, I cut off my own sentences with confusing cut and paste technology.

      Back to lurking I go.

  • Alison


    Another lurker here, based in Scotland. Been following you for a few months. Have no idea how I found your blog.

    I really hope everything works out for you both.


  • Vick

    Hi May,

    WFI is one of my oldest and best friends so I found your blog through hers. I do check in regularly from Germany on your site (as well as Jane from Lacking Expectations and Xbox’s – oops, guilty of lurking there too….er hello as well!). You write beautifully and you’ve made your story matter to me. Good Luck xxxx

  • G

    Hi May,

    My name is G and I am lurker. The one in Belgium (if that comes up in your blog stats).

    I first found your blog through my real life friend WFI, and since then I have been hooked : the ups, the downs, your courage, your humour and most of all your wonderful way with words.

    Before I vanish back into the shadows of the internet, I just want to let you know that I am sending you lots of positive thoughts. I bet, with all your finger-crossing followers, you have attracted a veritable force field of good vibes. Look, right there, above your head!

  • B

    Hi May,

    I’ll put my hand up as a long time lurker who has been thinking about de-lurking for a while now, so couldn’t ignore your Emotional Blackmail post.

    I’ve been reading your blog since late 2008 – I think I discovered you one night when madly googling to find other people’s experiences when taking Clomid. I was immediately hooked by your honesty, your humour and your wonderful use of language and have been following your story ever since.

    I read your blog from Adelaide, Australia. My husband and I have been TTC for two years, and my diagnosis sits somewhere on the spectrum between diminished ovarian reserve and premature ovarian failure, with a possible detour via resistant ovary syndrome – not a place I recommend!

    As someone who has chosen not to share her infertility with many people, I gain a lot of support from reading the stories of others. So, thank you very much for the time and effort you put in to sharing your experiences – and I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to actually comment!

    Like everyone here, I’m my crossing fingers and toes for you and H.


  • B.Mare

    I’ve had the hugest friend crush on you for, like, forever. I think you first came to my attention via HFW, and tales of cake. Initially, I confess, it was jealousy. I want her cake to be ALL MINE. But then, you won me over completely. And here I am.

  • lizee

    hey girl, ok, you got me to delurk and I have never posted on any of the blogs I lurk, don’t really know why.

    but the reason I’ve come out of the shadows now ……I’m worried! No blog, no twitter, wanna know you are alright!

    Please be ok!


  • Blanche

    Can you really be considered a lurker if you just started reading and commented on the first post read? Hmmm?

    Found your blog through LFCA and loved your writing and that you write about H’s part in all of this mess so you are now stuck with me following along anxiously.

  • Phoebe

    *waves shyly from shadows*

    Hi May, I found your blog via Thalia, I don’t remember how I found hers or even how I wound up on this thread to start with. But I have found a world which I know nothing of and will never experience personally, and along the way feel privilieged to witness your stories. You write terrifically, May – such sparkle and humour without for a moment losing touch with the awfulness.

    I feel a bit of a fraud following you, as my issues are quite other – I am mid forties, very single, am too scared to ever contemplate a relationship – I only ever had one – and feel so screwed up from my childhood that I always thought I couldn’t risk having kids even if the opportunity came up, as I couldn’t take the risk of producing people who might find life the struggle I did. Guess I’ve lived with depression for most of my life, mostly I wear the mask (with huge competence, I do believe!). Economically things are tough too, I live with my mum as have failed really to make a go of things alone.

    I have my fingers SOOO crossed for you! I really do.

    *ducks back down*

  • Anonymous


    I read your blog in eastern Canada – enjoy every word.

    I suspect that resistance to de-lurking stems from us techno-peasants fearing that if we do not have a blog to comment from, and only have our work or personal e-mail address as opposed to anonymous ones, our real e-mail address will appear in the comments section. For some of us with unusual names or a need to protect privacy, this is probably a serious disincentive.

    Best wishes from under even more snow than you have in London

  • Molly

    Still reading, still here!

  • Bumbling

    Delurking as requested!

    I have no idea how I found you. I have been reading for a ling time and am one of your google reader subscribers. Your writing is so engaging and emotional I think I’m addicted.

    I think when I started reading I felt a coomon thread with you – 1.33 ovaries removed and thinking about TTC. I wanted to know how other people coped. And it really helped whilst I was trying to convince hubbie to try to know that there were others like me out there.

    But I was a really lucky one and the stars aligned (or something) and we had a baby. And I haven’t wanted to comment in case it seemed like I was saying “hey, it’s ok – we had a baby – you can too!” (you know, like – “relax and it will happen”). But I couldn’t leave the blog behind. You’re a fabulous writer, and fun to lurk around :-). Hope you don’t mind. And sorry for the long comment.

  • Phx Mama

    Hi May — Found you via Everyday Stranger — seen you there a bunch of times, and finally clicked over to you tonight….So this is a delurking of a non-lurker. Have only read back as far as 12/25/09, but am coming back for more…If it’s not too forward to say, I think I love you already.. πŸ™‚

  • Beth A.

    It’s almost an hour before the end of the week, so I’m just under the wire –

    I’m an inveterate lurker who is trying to mend my ways. I think I first saw your blog, ironically, during the first NaComLeaveMo, and I’ve popped in periodically when I’ve seen the link to your blog on other sites to see how you’re doing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that your luck will finally turn around soon.

    I’m a fellow librarian and cataloger, PCOSer, married and have two children (who are pictured prominently on my blog, I should warn you in case you decide to look at it).

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that your luck will finally turn around soon.

  • Carrie

    Sorry to be tardy to the party. I found your lovely blog through HFF who I discovered via Flotsam which I found after I got my stupid PCOS diagnosis. I’m in North Carolina in the US, single, no kids, but am currently thinking of getting a dog. Your blog is fab. It’s funny, poignant and just all around wonderfully well written.

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