Things we can’t say in front of Mothers-in-Law

We have been dealing with this miscarriage inappropriately.

While we were waiting for the scan to confirm whether I had an ectopic or not I stated calmly: ‘Last time round I made the mistake of only asking to get pregnant. This time, I remembered to ask for a genetically normal embryo, but stupidly forgot to mention in the uterus.’

Once we’d discovered it wasn’t ectopic: ‘Ah, see what I did there? I forgot to ask for viable. I need to make a list.’

While we were walking home from the hospital the first time round, after blood tests and a thorough wanding (during which the technician left the room to find the consultant and H ended up holding the ultrasound wand in place inside me until she came back (um, yeah, that was so very very not erotic) I told H he’d need to give the RM clinic blood and semen samples. He flailed his arms wildly and staggered across the pavement clutching his brow, wailing ‘It’s so intrusive! It’s so invasive! I don’t how I could possibly cope! It’s just too much to endure!’ and I leant against the wall and nearly peed myself laughing.

‘We didn’t have time to think of a cute nick-name for this one,’ I said. ‘Flash-in-the-pan,’ said H.

After it was all over, and H and I were having a sorrowful embrace, I tenderly said: ‘The thing about Pikaia was, we were given the time to fall in love with her, or, at least, with the idea of her. [Pause] Of course, this one was a pain in the arse from the moment of conception.’

As I lay on the hospital bed, H took my hand and said ‘Life really is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease, isn’t it?’

Shortly after that, the sweet doctor came in to tell us that my Beta levels had dropped below 5, and I wasn’t in the least bit pregnant any more. I distinctly heard H mutter, ‘Well, that was a bloody waste of time.’ I cracked up.

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9 responses to “Things we can’t say in front of Mothers-in-Law

  • MFA Mama

    I’m so glad you two can find moments to laugh at all of this. Some, mothers-in-law included, Would Not Approve but I absolutely think humor is a healthy way of coping with dire circumstances. Sometimes you just have to release some feelings, and if it’s a choice between laughing and crying? I’ll take the inappropriate giggling ANY day of the week and twice on Sunday.

    But then I’m the one who named my “Suspicious ovarian mass” after my ex-husband. Har.

  • a

    Oh yes, the list of things we ask for…in the future, it is a normal, healthy, full term pregnancy (in the uterus!) resulting in a normal, healthy take-home, live baby, who will then proceed to (mildly) torture you until you die at the ripe old age of 103. Oh, and the torture should not involve any law-breaking – it should just be gentle trials that test your patience and not your bank balance. And no STDs. Did I forget something?

    I’m going to assume that H was being dramatic and give him credit for being hilarious. Because my husband would have been sincere (albeit cooperative) about samples being intrusive and invasive.

    You should try these on your mother-in-law. Maybe she’ll buy you some therapy for Christmas…

  • Betty M

    Flash in the pan made me laugh! Gallows humour is sometimes just what is needed.

  • g

    Inapropriate is the best way, say I.

    xx

    g

  • Korechronicles

    Laughter and tears. Two most efficient ways of stress hormone reduction. Bargain if you can manage both of them together. In any order.

    x

  • nh

    Isn’t it good when you (as a pair) can joke about something so awful. It helps to laugh, it’s a way of coping with situations that nobody should have to cope with. We all need to giggle sometimes!

  • twangy

    Ah yes, laughter, what would we do without it?

    (“Life really is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease” is brilliant!)

  • jodie38

    Who says that’s inappropriate? I think it’s perfect – you gotta either laugh or cry, and it’s so much easier and more enjoyable to laugh. I’m going to borrow that “life is a sexually transmitted disease” thing if you don’t mind. Of course I’ll give H credit – I’m still laughing/crying over that…..

    Good for you both – what a howl!

  • H

    Glad you all liked the ‘sexually transmitted disease’ quote; I cannot claim authorship for it… a search reveals at least three different originators :/

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