Bad, but could be worse

So. We’re back from the hospital, at last, after spending six hours or so in a holding pattern in various waiting rooms and consultation rooms. And now we know, or hope we know, what’s going on.

The Good – it’s not ectopic. There was a ‘cystic mass’ at the distal end of the fallopian tube, which panicked the ultrasound technician into fetching the Head Consultant, but it turned out to almost certainly be a rather impressive corpus luteum or maybe a luteal cyst. It will go away by itself. To be completely sure of this, we had to wait for the blood test results, which took hours and hours and hours, during which H and I were bored, terrified, miserable and furious all at once and used a great deal of very black humour.

The Bad – it is a miscarriage. There was nothing in the uterus except a vague blobby smear which could have been the remains of a pregnancy, or possibly just a vague blobby smear. The blood test confirmed I had been pregnant recently, but my HCG was so low it must have failed days ago. Less than 20. More than 5. There was something briefly there. Shit shit shit shit shit SHIT SHIT.

The Ugly – the cramps. Ramping up all day from ouchy to miserable to curling-up-in-a-ball. One of the doctors got me some co-codamol eventually, and it worked, and I feel so much better. If stoned. I don’t suppose the next few days will be much fun either. Heigh ho.

The Uglier – The sweet, sweet doctor who got me the good drugs also wants me to be referred to their gynaecology clinic again. For repeat miscarriages. She thought that, despite the fact that I’ve only had two official ones (though there’s always the one possible chemical back in August) my age and other issues meant it would be worth getting the ‘situation looked into’.

I had thought I was an anovulatory PCOS girl who couldn’t get pregnant. Now, all of a sudden, I’m a multiple miscarrier instead, and getting pregnant is only the start of my worries.

Did I say shit? Good. I shall say it again.

Shit.

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39 responses to “Bad, but could be worse

  • MFA Mama

    Shit indeed. I’m so very sorry, May, I am furious at Life and The Universe on your behalf and can only imagine how you (and H) must feel right now. I’m glad that at the very least it seems the medical types are taking good care of you and there’s no immediate threat to your health, but FFS. Shit again.

  • MsPrufrock

    Yes, shit shit shit. To prove how indescribably retarded I am at the moment, I didn’t even think to come here right after reading your most recent tweet. I was waiting for an explanatory tweet, then realised you had a blog. Jesus…

    I’m so sorry to hear all of this. Again. PCOS is a fucking nightmare of course, then to have an added designation AFTER that whole hard-to-get-pregnant part…well, shit is too right.

    Cheesy internet love for you dear.

  • bkwyrm

    Oh, shit.
    I’m so sorry.

  • Fertility Chick

    Shit. Not much more covers it like that.

    Shit. Shit. Shit.

    Sorry.

  • Ben Warsop

    Bad, as you say. And could be worse, as you say.

    Glad it isn’t worse. Wish it wasn’t so bad. Oh my dear, I am so sorry.

  • Ben Warsop

    PS – thanks for updating. Wierdos compulsively refreshing, and all that.

  • QoB

    oh…. SHIT.
    i’m so sorry.

  • Solnushka

    Oh BAH. _Bad_ news. _Big_ hugs.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Oh, sweetheart! I feel so, so, so awful for you. What a nightmare 24 hours – from hope to misery. Bastard, shitty bloody universe. Why must it pick on the nice people ALL THE BLOODY TIME?

    I was so worried for Satsuma and your tube; trying to repeatedly tell myself it was early enough that an ectopic pregnancy wouldn’t be catastrophically destructive. No ectopic IS good news. We like luteal cysts lots and lots and lots in those circumstances.

    But… being one miscarriage higher than you were yesterday is unequivocally and sickeningly awful and sad and just fucking unbelievably unfair. Can’t send enough hugs to you, my dear.

  • Heather

    Shit.

    And FUCK for good measure.

    I’m sorry.

  • geohde

    Oh May,

    I am so very sorry. So sorry.

    I am glad that the NHS wants to rule out anything preventable or treatable early in the miscarriage game, given they are so horridly belated at everything else.

    xx

    g

  • Mel

    Shit x 3000. I am so sorry, May.

  • a

    Shit.

    Happy it’s not ectopic. Sad that it is a miscarriage. Very sad that there appears to be additional problems. Happy that the additional problems will be investigated.

    I’m so sorry, May and H.

  • Mrs. X

    Shit, shit, shit is right. Sending hugs upon hugs.

  • twangy

    Oh no, no. That is so so shit. Terribly sorry, May and H.

    So unfair. When does May get her break, universe?
    WHEN? It’s LONG overdue.

    xx

  • betty m

    Oh bollocks. Good to no ectopic very bad to the rest. Please hound the gynae referral I am still waiting for my promised at my d&c rec m/c referral and I do not believe the nhs is joined up enough to work out my current position. Ruuling stuff in and out now is only good though . I just wish the outcome right now was different. X

  • thalia

    oh bollocks May i am sorry. What an utterly shitty thing.

  • Nina

    I’m so sorry, sweet pea. I’m glad it wasn’t ectopic, but everything else was just horrid. Feel better soon.

  • Melissia

    I am so very sorry. Was hoping for a much different outcome.

  • Womb For Improvement

    I don’t know what to say, ‘sorry’ doesn’t really cut it.

    Take care.
    xx

  • Korechronicles

    So so sorry. Sadly using all the rude words I know.

    xx

  • AMH

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m a PCOS sufferer and had three losses, each spaced the better part of a year apart, so it always felt like I was starting right back at square one each time. The “at least you know you can get pregnant” commentary really pissed me off.

    Unfortunately, PCOS also carries with it a much higher rate of miscarriage. No one’s entirely sure why, but a couple of theories are that the excess testosterone during the pre-ovulatory phase may cause errors in the egg, or that excess testosterone and insulin may contribute to blood clotting issues that prevent proper implantation. If the NHS will not put you on the standard PCOS treatment we receive here in the U.S., metformin, then maybe you can put yourself on low-dose aspirin (81mg) to see if blood clotting may be the issue for you? The only pregnancy that stuck for me was after I’d been taking one low-dose aspirin daily, and I stayed on it through the end of the first tri. The low dose aspirin is a very common recommendation from fertility docs over here, who typically find it to be benign for most people.

    I know you’re not necessarily looking for advice, but it’s hard to watch and feel helpless without at least offering something that might be of use.

    Good luck to you.

  • Mary

    I am so sorry Please get rest and take care of yourself

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    Jesus, I just don’t know.

    So sorry.

  • Katie

    So sorry. I’ve also had to deal with PCOS and multiple losses- my heart breaks for you. You’re in my thoughts.

    Here from LFCA

  • Jenn

    Double Shit.

    Shit Shit

    LFCA

  • meganlisbeth

    oh for fuck’s sake, universe! our miss may had had quite ENOUGH of this bullshit.
    oh may, my heart aches for you and H.
    i’m so, so sorry. i know words are hollow right now.
    xoxo
    megan

  • arminta

    That fucking blows, I’m so sorry. Hopefully your docs will be kind enough to give you enough meds to keep you stoned for a couple of days.

  • H

    Back into A&E via ambulance after bleeding & pain got worse and worse all day 😦 will update again when I can

  • Sue

    Here from LFCA. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a pcos girl, too, and I’ve had three chemicals. Got tested for clotting stuff, too, after the second. Ah, more pills to take. Hoping your doctors can find you some answers.

    Thinking of you.

  • Carla

    I with the group…FUCK!!!!!!!! I just found out I had a missed misscarriage yesterday…my second in a year. FUCK!

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