All the bright girls do it

Well, my dears, here we are again at 8 dpo, and of course Paranoid Symptom-Watch, hosted by our good friends Bitter McTwisted and the Positive Thinking Fairy, is in full swing.

(Every cycle I promise I won’t do this to myself, and I also promise I will completely ignore the whole thing until the Crimson Menace canters through. Hah. Ha ha ha ha ha hah).

Item – headaches. Now, consider that I have had a cold all week, and consider that I have not touched coffee for over a week, and consider also that I have not allowed myself near the ibuprofen (drug of headacher’s choice). Consider, furthermore, that I missed two days of work, my boss told me off for being late, and I’m behind on my creative writing homework. Of course I have a bloody headache. Treating this as a Special Symptom is… stupid. Very.

Item – irritability. See above.

Item – cramps. Cramps in utero, and, furthermore, cramps in legs, hips, hands and small of back. H thinks this is weird. I think this is inconvenient and annoying. H is concerned. I am irritated. I had a lot of cramps during almost all of the last week of the cycle that possibly, just maybe, was a chemical pregnancy. I did not have prolonged cramps last cycle (which was pretty much blah), but I did have a lot of random twinges. I do not remember getting crampathonic when I actually got pregnant, but I do remember the Cute Ute pulling some sort of ‘I feel like a lead brick’ stunt for days before the positive pregnancy test. So, obviously, cramps in the 2ww mean nothing at all. Except when they are implantation cramps and everyone squeals about those for page after page on TTC message boards, which, naturally, I don’t read, because a) I can spell, and b) I want to punch the daylights out of anyone who has been trying to get pregnant for less than six months and yet is getting all twitteratic about how long it’s all taking. Except in the last week of the 2ww, in which my self-control dissolves and Dr Google and I go questing… Oh, for Chrissakes, May, shut up.

Item – aching breasts and sensitive nipples. No, wait, I get that pretty much every cycle. The Special part only applies if it lasts past about 11 dpo. Normally, the chestage deflating and returning to normal is a guaranteed sign that the Crimson Menace is revving her engines. So this one is filed under ‘wait. I mean it. Also, please stop wandering into the bathroom to take your bra off and stare hard at your veins. They look boring as ever. Thank you.’

Item – nausea. I can talk myself into feeling sick with ridiculous ease at the best of times. I have felt sick at least once in every 2ww I’ve ever had ever. I am such an eejit.

Item – it is at this point that Bitter McTwisted invariably points out that at 8dpo, even in Best Case Scenario, the embryo would have barely touched down on the endometrium yet, let alone be pouring hormones into my blood-stream. So any symptoms I have felt so far can have had ipso facto fuck all to do with anything. I’m just a bit coldy and tired. And then we all go over to Fertility Friend and go through all the pregnancy charts looking for ones that got a positive test before day 12. And then the Positive Thinking Fairy and Bitter McTwisted get into a hum-dinger of a fight and I go off to look for crisps.

Item – did I mention rabid desire for carbohydrates? Check.

Every time, I do this. And I swear, I have an IQ of 136 and two post-graduate degrees.


13 responses to “All the bright girls do it

  • Nina

    I have no idea what my IQ is, but being of the narcissistic sort, I’d like to think it’s high. I graduated college with very little trouble, and am now on a mission to beat common sense into the entire world. I did this too. Every single time. Not for as long as you, by any means, but yes, every single time. I think that everyone who tries to get pregnant does this, and if they say they don’t they’re lying. Just my opinion. And I was bitter and angry too. Take a deep breath. We all love you. Every last one of us. So no guilt, any more. AT ALL. At least, not for us. We’ve all been there, or are there. And we know how badly it hurts. You deserve narcotics for all the pain you’ve been through. IV.

  • Womb For Improvement

    I’m right there with you. I discovered two week wait dot com with a special “real life early pregnancy symptoms” section. Help me!

  • Aphra Behn

    I’ve got my fingers crossed, honey.


  • Solnushka

    Step away from the message boards. Step away, I tell you.

  • QoB

    Alas, I can also spell. It is a terrible curse in the world of the internet, and for a person (i.e.: me) who has a boyfriend who is borderline dyslexic and/or lazy (he’s not sure).

    Happily, we are not alone:

    (crosses all available digits)

  • Betty M

    Symptom watch never worked for me as there was no discernible difference except the arrival of the menace between positive an negative. Luckily for me the Positive Fairy usually got stamped on from a great height by the Bitter one which avoided a fair amount of angst.

  • Minawolf

    My husband and I got off birth control last October and something always came up where our timing was just off. Even though we weren’t even TRYING, I was still doing all the things you’re doing. He wanted to go buy stock in first response pregnancy tests since he figured he should get some of his money back.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    @ minawolf I’ve wondered about buying shares in the manufacturers of these bloody things, too.

    Am sat here with crossed legs, finger tips touching thumb-tips, about to chant something that sends sticky endo-vibes in your direction. Am having trouble coming up with anything suitably ayervedic. Will you settle for a very fervent repeated ad infinitum mutter of ‘Come ON, May’s egg! Sticky sticky sticky!’?

    You have good pee-sticks?

  • Lesley

    Oh, I did the same thing, so many many times. Here’s wishing you some relative peace of mind.

  • twangy

    Joining in:
    Come ON, May’s egg! Sticky sticky sticky!
    Come ON, May’s egg! Sticky sticky sticky!
    Come on!

    And a hug for you, too. (I’ll take any hug that is offered).

  • Korechronicles

    Try and keep those two protagonists apart, will you? I can hear their bickering from here. And it worries me.

    And as a crass colonial I feel the pressure to contribute to this virtual cheer-a-thon…

    Eggy,Eggy, Eggy! Oi! Oi! Oi!

    Yes,yes and yes to spelling ability, IQ and collection of fancy certificates on the wall. But emotion and intellect? Horses of very different hues.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Oh. We’re actually not doing THAT chant, are we? Sorry, got carried away.

  • We’ve been here before « Nuts in May

    […] the metallic, bloody, persistant taste in my mouth and thinking it made me feel sick, I remembered. The last time I felt exactly like this was when I got pregnant in October. And yes, H had worked it out two days before I did. (He’s not really my husband, you know. […]

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