Well, my dears, here we are again at 8 dpo, and of course Paranoid Symptom-Watch, hosted by our good friends Bitter McTwisted and the Positive Thinking Fairy, is in full swing.
(Every cycle I promise I won’t do this to myself, and I also promise I will completely ignore the whole thing until the Crimson Menace canters through. Hah. Ha ha ha ha ha hah).
Item – headaches. Now, consider that I have had a cold all week, and consider that I have not touched coffee for over a week, and consider also that I have not allowed myself near the ibuprofen (drug of headacher’s choice). Consider, furthermore, that I missed two days of work, my boss told me off for being late, and I’m behind on my creative writing homework. Of course I have a bloody headache. Treating this as a Special Symptom is… stupid. Very.
Item – irritability. See above.
Item – cramps. Cramps in utero, and, furthermore, cramps in legs, hips, hands and small of back. H thinks this is weird. I think this is inconvenient and annoying. H is concerned. I am irritated. I had a lot of cramps during almost all of the last week of the cycle that possibly, just maybe, was a chemical pregnancy. I did not have prolonged cramps last cycle (which was pretty much blah), but I did have a lot of random twinges. I do not remember getting crampathonic when I actually got pregnant, but I do remember the Cute Ute pulling some sort of ‘I feel like a lead brick’ stunt for days before the positive pregnancy test. So, obviously, cramps in the 2ww mean nothing at all. Except when they are implantation cramps and everyone squeals about those for page after page on TTC message boards, which, naturally, I don’t read, because a) I can spell, and b) I want to punch the daylights out of anyone who has been trying to get pregnant for less than six months and yet is getting all twitteratic about how long it’s all taking. Except in the last week of the 2ww, in which my self-control dissolves and Dr Google and I go questing… Oh, for Chrissakes, May, shut up.
Item – aching breasts and sensitive nipples. No, wait, I get that pretty much every cycle. The Special part only applies if it lasts past about 11 dpo. Normally, the chestage deflating and returning to normal is a guaranteed sign that the Crimson Menace is revving her engines. So this one is filed under ‘wait. I mean it. Also, please stop wandering into the bathroom to take your bra off and stare hard at your veins. They look boring as ever. Thank you.’
Item – nausea. I can talk myself into feeling sick with ridiculous ease at the best of times. I have felt sick at least once in every 2ww I’ve ever had ever. I am such an eejit.
Item – it is at this point that Bitter McTwisted invariably points out that at 8dpo, even in Best Case Scenario, the embryo would have barely touched down on the endometrium yet, let alone be pouring hormones into my blood-stream. So any symptoms I have felt so far can have had ipso facto fuck all to do with anything. I’m just a bit coldy and tired. And then we all go over to Fertility Friend and go through all the pregnancy charts looking for ones that got a positive test before day 12. And then the Positive Thinking Fairy and Bitter McTwisted get into a hum-dinger of a fight and I go off to look for crisps.
Item – did I mention rabid desire for carbohydrates? Check.
Every time, I do this. And I swear, I have an IQ of 136 and two post-graduate degrees.