Stabbity

Hello again. I am a grouchy May at the moment. I will now bitch and snivel some more. Sorry about that.

I saw the acupuncturist again on Monday. She was disappointed that the last surf on the Red Menace sucked (hey! Guess what! So was I!). And then she was mystified that the last surf etc. had sucked, because my belly is noticeably warmer to the touch. Warm bellies don’t get prolonged and violent cramps, you see. They’re too busy being all warm and mellow, unlike cold ones, which have blockages and are stagnating (sounds disgusting). I did not laugh. Nor did I mention Ben Goldacre or randomised double-blind trials. I am a gentlewoman.

She then proceeded to stick me all over like a pineapple hedgehog and set fire to me again (we will warm this belly, we will warm it to heck). Some of these burning needles were to stimulate ovulation, which was fine by me, as Monday was Day 13 and not only was Satsuma playing dead, but the old undercarriage was remaining resolutely sterile, hostile, abandon hope all sperm who enter here. And then the acupuncturist amused herself by needling me in the wrist – allegedly to aid the anxiety and insomnia – which really fucking hurt, to my woeful astonishment. Not only that, but when I got home, I found one of the wristy-stab-points had grown a deeply, lavishly purple bruise. WTF?

Anyway, I haven’t slept at all well all week. Not impressed. I think she borked my meridian.

On the other hand, on Tuesday Satsuma sat up on her velvet cushion and gave notice she was considering things. And whenever I think she has forgotten and dozed off again, she gives me another quick jab in the lower abdomen and orders me to have faith. So. We shall see. On past form, it normally takes her an absolute minimum of a week to go from hibernation to pop. I’ll get back to you on this after the weekend.

This does, however, mean that H and I are, as we agreed, having lots of sex. Hurray, I’d’ve normally said. Unfortunately, this month (it’s probably being tired that does it) I am having to a fight a low-grade persistant urge to snarl ‘get off me‘ everytime H dutifully snuggles up in bed. At least, I hope it’s being tired that does it. I’m normally the one taking flying leaps at H from behind doors and interfering with him during phone conversations while he stoically tries to pry my hands off his trouser-buttons without squeaking. Current state of affairs surprisingly mortifying. We soldier on regardless. And if, after all this anxst, Satsuma is playing me false, I shall have her resectioned. HA.

And I have started my creative writing course. I spend all my time at work wishing work would go away so I could play about with my writing exercises, and all my time at home watching TV and wishing I was asleep. It’s going brilliantly. Pass the Kalms.

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11 responses to “Stabbity

  • QoB

    You were very good not to mention Mr. Goldacre. Or Mitchell and Webb’s “homeopathic A&E” sketch.

    I spent part of my yesterday evening chatting to an acupuncturist, and I didn’t mention those either. We both get a gold star!

    as for the writing – procrastination is my constant companion also. when I really need to give myself a kick, I try to remember Jeanette Winterson’s advice: “don’t get it right, just get it written”.

  • Illanare

    Isn’t one of IF’s many little ironies that “romantic relations” (god bless my consultant for that gem) is often the last thing you want to do? Especially when you really have to do it…

    Also, I nominated you for an award on my blog.

  • a

    I though acupuncture was not supposed to leave bruises!

    But Yay for lots of sex. In theory.

  • twangy

    Yes, no, it’s the tiredness and the fact it’s been turned into a duty that is the passion killer. That’ll do it alright, (though not permanently, it is to be hoped).
    Feeling your pain – have also forgotten how to sleep. YAWN.
    xx

  • Minawolf

    k, having no clue how acupuncture works, the fact that you were warm could possibly be an indication that “this” particular cycle will be better maybe?

    Anyway, hope you’re able to get more sleep so you’re more in the “jumping his bones” mood.

  • Womb For Improvement

    Do you ever feel the urge to lie to your acupuncturist and say your periods are getting so much better and you can really feel the difference? Just so you don’t hurt their feelings. Just me then?

  • Katie

    I’ve had that weird, very very painful wrist point, when it’s been fine, or mostly fine, other times. No idea why.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I was forced to stagger away from my screen yesterday to cough and splutter in a prone position. I am now back, a little less likely to cover the screen in… unmentionables.

    My wrist-needles hurt like buggery fuck, and that, coupled with the beatifically-smiling-eyes-closing-nodding-in-tune-to-my-karmic-bloody-beat acupuncturist, made me think that I would be better spending the money on a massage, so I did.

    The ability to produce phrases like ‘borked my meridian’ and ‘sat up on her velvet cushion’ are among the reasons I adore you so very very very much and want to come and pat your hand consolingly when things are stabbity. I must enter an early plea now to be permitted to read your output, in fact I will threaten right now to camp on your doorstep, the whereabouts of which I totally know, if I am not tossed a literary crumb at some point; it would be denying me great enjoyment, I know.

    I proffer hugs and hopes for rapid improvement of… everything. Would making an appointment at Repro clinic help cheer you up? By the time it comes round, you’ll have shed that last pesky 6lb, no probs.

    Womb: no, not just you. I cancelled two appointments on the trot and then didn’t answer the phone to her anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her it wasn’t me, it was her.

  • Jane

    It’s strange, I’ve had accupuncture for various conditions, back pain, overall lack of energy, recovery post miscarriage and for fertility. I found the only time I bruised or bled was after needles for fertility. As if you’re not hurting enough.

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