Way to go

Item – Lookee here, I actually went and ovulated again. On Wednesday. Really! Satsuma suddenly leapt up, shouted ‘let’s do the show right here!’ and promptly ripped me a new one from the inside, or whatever the hell it was she was doing, because, ow. I have now ovulated about a dozen times in toto, and that is what she does. Ow ow ow ow OW OW OW ARSE FECK OW. And relax. Don’t tell Satsuma this, but actually I quite like that she does that hurty-like-fuck thing. It’s pretty unmistakable, and it’s so nice to know these things for sure. Anyway, way to go, Satsuma!

Item – And then I did some counting, and my period is due the day before I am to pile my great corse into a cheap bucket airline Fokker and strap it in a seat for hours and hours. Days two and three are my worstest, bloodiest, hurtiest days. On a plane, on a train, in a taxi, in the rain, let’s all surf the scarlet flash flood to the Chalet of Terror and impress our In-Laws with our pale green puking collapse routine. Seriously, WAY TO GO, Satsuma.

Item – Wednesday was also ‘we will burn you’ day at the acupuncturist’s. Nice Earrings put about a dozen needles in my belly, in two long horizontal rows, and put pinches of moxa on the ends. She lit them in sets of three or four, but, anticlimactically, I didn’t really feel either the needles going in or the warmth from the burning. It was quite relaxing. It was… dull. Ah, well. She revenged herself by stabbing me repeatedly – and, oh, yes, I felt those – in the wrist and hand. Something worked, I would guess, in that Satsuma did her thang that night. So, way to go, Nice Earrings.

Item – We are moving the stock around at the library, which is hard, sweaty, dusty work. Today, I put on my scruffiest clothes, what with the dust/sweat nexus. But I forgot just how far down my scruffy cargo trousers slide when I am scrambling on and off book-ladders and crouching on the ground, and so I have this day shown a great many colleagues a strip of purple lace across the small of my back which was unmistakably knickerish in origin. Also, my tee-shirt is baggy and has a wide neckline. Some very lucky colleagues also got an eyeful of lacy bra-strap when I bent over. Class. Way to go, May.

Item – Did I mention I was bored? So, I bit all my nails off, danced up and down on the spot for days, had a little weepy moment, and signed my soul away to do a Creative Writing course with the Open University. Yeah, bury the lead. Way to go, May.


16 responses to “Way to go

  • a

    Perhaps the airplane pressurization will have some effect on your uterus and suppress the agony and drama….

    Creative writing? You only have to worry about burying the lead in journalism; creative writing demands suspense! Obviously, you’re already a natural.

  • Heather


    When I worked in a bookstore I HATED when we had to keep rearranging everything…what is that about?

  • Aphra Behn

    Oh dear, I’m having trouble sorting out the sheep from the goats in this post.

    However, I do hope Satsuma’s popped a good-un.

    Much love.

  • g

    Woo hoo!!!

    Pompoms for Satsuma? 🙂


  • Nina

    Yes, pom-poms. And a pyramid, a megaphone, and a hot quarterback boyfriend! Geep? Shoats? Ah, who gives a f___!

  • QoB

    that is quite a cool, if painful, attribute for Satsuma to have. plus, mittelschmerz is a great word. and then you can call loudly for schnapps:)

    hope you have all the kinds of drugs prescribed for you on the flight handy in your carry-on…

  • Womb For Improvement

    Me too. Both the Wednesday ovulation and Friday moving stuff round (though I was moving easels not books – nothing like a spot of heavy duty lifting to help an embryo on its way, eh?!).

    As least your colleagues were glimpsing lacy and purple, not my normal M.O. of grey and functional.

  • Korechronicles

    Well, well, well. Satsuma has finally woken up to herself but not without making sure you really know about it so she can get frocked up, curtsey from the stage and take a standing ovation from the audience. Throwing flowers at the recalcitrant little drama queen from here and shouting ‘Encore’.

  • twangy

    Wowser, ne’er a dull moment! Well done Satsuma, that is the kind of thing we like to see! (Ideally more often, however). You think the needles did it, maybe?
    Sorry about the unfortunate timing with the flight. TOTAL, COMPLETE sympathy. I say URG in sympathy. URG.

    Creative writing course – brilliant idea! Would love to read along..?

  • Secret D

    Sounds like you have had a busy week. I know what lugging books around feels like and I’ve also been known to show a bit of butt and tit cleavage – need to provide some sort of entertainment in a library environment!!

    Good to hear that the acupuncture is helping satsuma along and wow for signing up for a course – I can’t seem to think beyond all this shit at the moment.

  • Nina

    You know, men are supposed to love hot librarians….maybe you and H can build on this!

  • Betty M

    At least it was lace – when Ido that it is usilly some greying M&S no on show – not nice. Satsuma is all drama isn’t she – I see her as the spoilt dark one on Goassip Gir.ls always showing she is boss.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    I need to go and sit in the shed I haven’t got and scribble an Ode to Satsuma, because the dear girl deserves it. I will try my damnedest to include a line about purple lace.

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