Is not OK

I’m finding this very hard to write about. I’ve written several versions of this post, re-read them, and cried, ‘Oh, the drama!’ while frantically jabbing the delete key. And then I wonder why I’m channelling my mother so very efficiently, and start again.

(My mother has only recently come round to the idea that her eldest daughter is, in fact, borked, and not merely a gigantic whiner).

So, for the past eleven days (since the day I got my period, for those of you singing along), I have been getting into a fouler and fouler mood. By foul, I mean the whole sulky rat-bag deal, insomnia, bad dreams, inability to concentrate, strong urge to staple colleagues’ tongues to their desks. H is being saintly and doing most of the cooking, possibly in self defence (it’s hard to work up a good snarl against a man who is cooking you dinner. Husbands of the world, take note), so I can come home of an evening and fling myself into an armchair with a face like a slapped arse in peace.

Anyway. I am getting sick of myself, so I decided perhaps I had better sit down and actually ask myself what in hejeebuz was eating at me. So I did. Not that I liked the answer much.

You see, a small part of me is convinced that I had a chemical pregnancy this last cycle.

And so far, all the stern talking-to I am capable of hasn’t budged this part of me an inch.

Sensible me (shades of the Positive Thinking Fairy) points out that my period started on time, that I never had a positive pregnancy test, that I never got bullet-nipples or sore breasts.

And Bitter McTwisted replies, yes, periods do that with chemical pregnancies. The Internet Pee-Sticks of Doom are not exactly those sensitive ‘test the day before you’re due!’ types, are they? And last time I was pregnant, I noticed the almighty rockery-boob danger-nipples a few days after the positive pregnancy test, which was therefore also a few days after my period was due.

And Bitter McTwisted points out that I had that weird watery spotting and cramping episode on day 10. And after it, the cramps and spotting stopped again. She mentions ‘implantation’, darkly, and I want to hit her.

I wish I could talk that small part of myself out of this morbid, self-tormenting, melodramatic, stupid (did I mention morbid? Oh yes, so I did) delusion. It’s making me miserable.

And that small part of me sticks her middle finger in the air and wishes someone would say, ‘well, yes, you probably did have a chemical pregnancy. I certainly thought so at the time but didn’t dare mention it. You have every right to be in a funk. You don’t have to keep pretending everything’s OK. You’ve got a really good reason not to be OK.’

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22 responses to “Is not OK

  • H

    Hmm, I’ve just had to confess to May that I too had curious thoughts about implantation spotting and chemical pregnancy; but didn’t dare mention it earlier for self preservation reasons (my own mental well being more than an physical cowardice you understand – honest).

    However, I didn’t appreciate that this would still be worrying away at May; mainly because when the ‘red menace’ arrived I could cut a clean break from it, as I don’t go through the ame physiological stresses, I guess.

    Now I’m in a quandry as I feel that perhaps I should feel more. My detachment doesn’t help May, except making sure we eat something in the evening. Or is that a weak justification of an emotional coward?

  • bir

    Yeah, I know. I had a chem preg last month. It sucks. And this month I find myself somewhat uncaring because I seem to have decided what’s the point? Seriously, none of the symptoms mean shit. The pee sticks that give you the line that you want are just a freakin’ lie. And when it all comes down to it it makes it darn hard to believe that it’s EVER gonna happen in my world.

    Well written post by the way 🙂 xxx

  • QoB

    Not being in yours and H’s position, or anything close to it, I can only say – feeling like that sounds like it sucks serious donkey balls. And whether or not you did have a chemical pregnancy, which I imagine you can’t determine now either way, you are entitled to feel like that *anyway*, as you are going through something which is extremely stressful for anyone. You are absolutely entitled to be NOT OK.
    In fact, I would go so far as to say you are always entitled to your feelings, whatever they are.

    /amateur counselling clichés.

  • MsPrufrock

    I have nothing to add aside from some tripe about the dangers of overanalysing. I hated getting caught up on every twinge/spotting episode/temporarily missing period; it just made me a paranoid mess.

    Like QoB said, chemical pregnancy or not, you’re entitled to rage at all of this shit. It’s taxing and draining and horrible.

  • a

    I actually wondered about it myself. But in the end, is it better to know or not to know? I had a chemical pregnancy recently, and it sucked, but not half as bad as an 8 or 11 week miscarriage. That may be because I’m over-informed on this kind of thing these days.

    So, I guess you could consider it a chemical pregnancy if it makes you feel better (i.e. you produced an egg, H produced some sperm, they met but didn’t really care for each other -but hey, the parts are working). But if it makes you feel worse to think of it that way, then it was just a weird anomaly.

    Props to H for treading in to leave a comment! He’s so brave.

  • geohde

    Ah, May.

    Infertility just plain sucks.

    much love,

    g

  • Betty M

    I hate that infertility makes each month such a f*ing nightmare. Chem preg or no (and I am another who had suspicions what with teh watery stuff although a I have never had implantation spotting ever I am no expert hence not saying anything) rage is a completely legitimate response.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    Your temperature stayed high, too. You certainly had me wondering by the end of the post, until you said you’d tested.

    Nothing fucks with the head better than the old ‘was I? wasn’t I?’ conundrum. I know you carry the fear of never becoming pregnant again – me, too – but there’s every reason to believe you can, hence the ‘was I?’ question is perfectly likely to have been a ‘yes’. I know you know that significantly more pregnancies fail than succeed at that stage, so it’s not discouraging news, if it was. It’s searingly, bowel-wrenchingly disappointing, but not discouraging.

    What sensitivity are the Internet Pee Sticks of Doom? My Compulsive Peestick Disorder has led me to spend a small fortune on the things. With 50mIU, it seems as if you are likely to see the baby’s head emerging shortly before you see a second line: not helpful. The 25mIU seem to depend on the manufacturer: I’ve had varied results. The 10mIU are pretty good, despite their Ebay-ness, and they’re not pricey. There is no evaporation line on the ones I use, hence if you can see a line, ANY line, there’s something going on. Want a handful? I have… ummm… lots.

    You DO have every right to be in a funk. This is infertility, sub fertility and pregnancy loss: this is anguish, misery and frustration. FuckingfuckingFUCKING reproduction. Why does it have to be so bastard difficult?

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    PS
    H IS a fabulously lovely man, and the news that he cooks does not lessen his charm one iota!

    It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have a less emotional-prone partner, I suppose. Two very introspective people in a relationship can sometimes bring about a spiral of self-perpetuating sadness. But sometimes Introspective desperately needs Philosophical to bleed a little, too.

  • Hairy Farmer Family

    PPS
    I’ve just been thinking – the Chalet of Terror thing is still on, is it?

    Christ.

  • Womb For Improvement

    I did wonder at your body’s suspicious activity but decided it wasn’t my place to even proffer a suggestion anything could be happening.

    In retrospect I often wonder if my December 2007 period was not a similar happening and even now it makes me get into a bit of a meltdown, wondering what if. So you know what? You are OK not to be OK. Regardless of what was or wasn’t.

  • MFA Mama

    I will admit to having wondered about the possibility of a pregnancy of some sort, until, as HFWifey mentioned, you tested and got a negative. It would certainly help to explain the worse-than-usual onslaught of the red menace, wouldn’t it? Either which way I think you’ve every right to be upset; your body is not doing what it should and you are suffering as a result. That just plain sucks a goat whether there was a chemical this last time around or not.

  • twangy

    Be the living Hokey! Anyone would be not okay, after all that. It really is okay to be not okay. Go easy on yourself.
    xx

  • Xbox4NappyRash

    I wonder the best & worst everytime I read anything that isn’t textbook.

    Yes or no, you have every right to be in a funk. H too.

    Stick with it guys, all the best.

  • Goosey Lucy

    Well, yes, you probably did have a chemical pregnancy. I certainly thought so at the time but didn’t dare mention it. You have every right to be in a funk. You don’t have to keep pretending everything’s OK. You’ve got a really good reason not to be OK.

  • Minawolf

    You’ve got a really good reason to not be OK.

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  • Aphra Behn

    Oh, my dears. I am so sorry to read this. It sucks.

    Much love for you both.

    A/B

  • Korechronicles

    I’ve been missing in action lately and am really sorry to find that things have been getting worse for you and H. The whole infertility thing is a heavy burden to carry. Not OK seems like a perfectly normal thing to be, in the circumstances.

    xx

  • katie

    No, is definitely not OK.

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